American Idol makes me feel old

As they sung songs from the year they were born, we learned that no American Idol contestant was born before 1984. Thus, I am as old or way older than every contestant. Thus, I am getting pretty damn old. So I voted for the girl who is exactly 10 years younger than me, almost to the day. She's pretty awesome.
One cool thing that American Idol is doing this year is utilizing online voting. Why they didn't use this fairly basic technology earlier idk (too easy?), but they have upped the game and the stalker factor by requiring you to be a Facebook member to vote. And then why not give you the option to automatically send a post to your wall telling all your friends who you voted for? You even get a cool little widget which tells all your 2,000 friends how they too can vote for an increasingly irrelevant talent competition and simultaneously overshare about it! Creepy, but smart promotion.

Actually, American Idol has drastically improved on their talent pool this year. I've begun to truly enjoy following it again. Just don't get me started on the judges...

Groupie Thrust (and other reality show winning concepts)

Television decided to kill the excitement in my life this week by having basically every major reality show come to a close. But never could I think of a better time to get on my high horse and make predictions for who is obviously going to leave reality land victorious...and thus ruin their life forever.

The Celebrity Apprentice (finale Sunday, May 23 at 9pm)

Predicted winner: Bret Michaels

With a high level of innovation and task-winning concepts such as the "Groupie Thrust" workout, it's a given that Bret Michaels is more than qualified to be Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice. Plus The Donald loves publicity, and naming Bret Michaels as the winner would definitely carry the perfect timing and cool factor that Holly Robinson Pete (btw, who?) clearly lacks.

The Biggest Loser (finale Tuesday, May 25th at 8pm)

Predicted winner: Ashley

This one comes down to math. The winner of The Biggest Loser usually loses just under 50% of their starting weight. However, due to the larger starting size of the contestants and the longer length of this season, I think the bar is going to be raised this year on total weight loss percentage. Most boys have a hard time topping 50% without looking anno, Michael could do it but probably not in the time frame, which leaves Ashley who easily has the time and ability to get down to about 185 (she started in the 370's) and look smokin hawt.

Dancing with the Stars (finale Tuesday, May 25th at 9pm)

Predicted winner: Evan Lysacek

I really think he can take out Nicole Scherzinger. He is just as good of a dancer, and I think/hope the American voters are starting to realize she's a huge bitch. My prediction is completely unbiased...despite the fact that Evan is my future husband.

American Idol (finale Wednesday, May 26th at 8pm)

Predicted winner: Lee DeWyze

This is the biggie. The reality show that changes the life AND career of the winner for good, but probs not for the better. Who doesn't want to sign their life and creative control away to a now-irrelevant media monster? Lee has grown on me throughout the season and despite his blahs will probably win. The interesting thing about the final week of Idol is that it's the only time viewers can use defensive voting. If you dislike one contestant, voting for the other directly and strongly effects the outcome being that there are only 2 choices left. A lot of people (myself included) find Crystal Bowersox annoying and will vote for Lee just to ensure that the weird hippie doesn't win.

Siobhan classes it up

...just in time to be eliminated. I was up and down throughout the season about American Idol contestant Siobhan Magnus's signature screaming vocals, but I always hated her signature quirky style. Until last night. Siobhan turned it out with her elimination night dress, a satin colorblocked pink number from Express ($98). This look was a total departure from her usual punky dresses, flat boots, and 80's inspired pieces. It's almost as if girlfriend knew she was going home and wanted to go out with a little class. She looked great showing off her hot little figure, and I'm looooving the dress. My friend Sarah also owns this dress, and both she and Siobhan added a black belt which is a smart move. The ruching on this dress is already super slimming, and adding a belt is a great way to nip in the waist even more and break up the pink.

Kinda agree with eliminating Siobhan (I was over it), and def agree with this fashion statement!

Photo from Fox

So over it

Around this time last year I started live blogging performance nights of the top 12 of American Idol. As much as I'm sure you were all waiting with baited breath for these live blogs to resume, I've decided to not carry on the tradition this year. There's not one contestant left in the game who is making me even want to watch American Idol let alone write about it for two hours every week. Going into the semi-finals I wasn't impressed with the pool of talent, and anyone with a unique vibe, decent voice, or molecule of performance ability has already been voted off. Within the first two weeks we lost Tyler Grady (Jim Morrison meets The Darkness) and Jermaine Sellers (he rocked the onesie, and very successfully channeled Kid Cudi in the fashion dpt). Then Todrick Hall ("Todrick is my name...", dancer, and all around amazingness) and Lilly Scott (lavender blonde, fierce style, and amazing raspy indie-pop voice) were cut just shy of the top 12 which has sucked the excitement (and talent) right out of the show.

Furthermore, I'm pretty sure the producers are messing with our minds and putting words in the judges' mouths to convince us to keep certain undeserving contestants in the game. Why? Who knows. There is no way Lee Dewize still deserves to be here based on voice, yet week after week the judges praise his grating and pitchy performances. Katie Stevens clearly turned out to be a lounge-singing bore, but was dubbed an early favorite so continues to be encouraged on "potential". Plus teenagers are cute and make good human interest stories, right? Michael Lynche was clearly groomed to be a favorite, but actually has talent and provides entertainment so I can't argue. But Crystal Bowersox? Just because she's something different than we've ever had on Idol doesn't mean we have to praise her and let her through. Different doesn't mean better. Side note: does Idol do drug testing?

These are the top 12 singers/performers in the country? Well then I'm sad for us, America. With no standout vocalists AND no standout performers American Idol has totally lost me, and I'm sure I can find something better to do at 8pm on Tuesday nights.

"Idol" scandals already...shocker

The American Idol top 24 was announced this week and frankly my dear, I barely give a damn. I've fallen asleep during many of my attempts to watch this season's episodes, even during my beloved Hollywood week, because so far this season has suuuuuucked! (and admittedly I've usually been drunk)

A few weeks ago there was a rumor that Michael Lynch had been DQed (disqualified, not Dairy Queen-ed) because his father prematurely revealed his top 24 success to a local newspaper. Well, it's looking more and more like that was just a rumor because Michael is slated to compete in Wednesday's first male semi-final round. And I'm cool with that because I like this dude.

Then this week the REAL scandal broke involving Chris Golightly. Allegedly, homeboy had been under contract with a boyband and neglected to disclose that information to the producers. The contract ended a month before Golightly's Idol audition so technically he would have been eligible. However, he brushed over the truth about this in his initial paperwork, and apparently his manager effed up and couldn't find the proof that Golightly was a free man, so he was bumped from the competition in the final hour and replaced by Tim Urban. Cue some very creative editing during the top 24 announcement episode. But I'm also fairly cool with this because Tim is quite the hottie in a cougar cub/Zefron kind of way.

First of all, Golightly clearly has his priorities messed up if he was willing to walk away from a perfectly good boyband for American Idol. Secondly, I'm of the mindset that if you have a manager you probably shouldn't be auditioning anyway. I'm all about my Idol being an every-man type. Third of all, with all the shadiness and "lost paperwork" perhaps the Idol producers had to fudge all this to cover the fact the Golightly (btw best name EVER) was actually in-eligible due to Justin Guarini's 10 year racially-ambiguous-white-boy-with-a-fro monopoly. Because Guarini is a diva and can't take the competition.

FOURTH OF ALL, Idol is pissing me off for cutting arguably their best competitor, Thaddeus Johnson. This kid can sing better than most of the people they've had on the show in the past three years, yet somehow he was deemed unworthy of making the semi-finals. Really?!? Maybe they just knew that he would give a fantastic crying/screaming/cursing/locking himself in a bathroom stall fit upon receiving the bad news. And I'm really supposed to believe that it's still about the music?

He's so pretty

The cover art for Adam Lambert's upcoming debut album For Your Entertainment has been released, and quite frankly I hate it. I love me some Glambert, but this cover is some horrible concoction of Scissor Sisters meets Xanadu gone wrong. It also feels a little too airbrushed and not quite raw enough to capture the essence of Adam. Everything is just so glossy and perfect. I like a man who knows his way around a stick of eyeliner, but when a guy does his makeup better than I do that's a problem.

That being said, I wouldn't kick him out of bed. And I'm definitely looking forward to the musics!

Unapologetically TMTH

Danny Noriega is def in my top 5 favorite American Idol contestants of all-time, but unfortunately some people weren't lllli-king it and he was voted off just shy of the top 12 of season 7. Well the world just got a whole lot fiercer because he's back with an original song and video "24/7" that is campy and ferocious and not apologizing for it. This song is so going to be my jam for the rest of summer and if you know me, you know I am not even kidding. It's perfect because Danny is just being himself and giving us what we want. He knows why he has this 15 minutes to work with and he is capitalizing on it with his signature catch phrase "TMTH" (too much to handle) and just-bitchy-enough references/digs to Idol. He even got Kara to guest star as this "Diamonique" girl! (Wait, you mean actually that's NOT her showing off her "singing" skills and being an annoying fame whore?) Plus I think we all love a combination between tweener IM abbreviations and references to buying drinks from people who are not old enough to do so.

Okay, so the lyrics to this song are a hot mess, but it doesn't matter! "24/7" is seriously catchy and totes danceable with the beat alone. And this video with neon light effects and an ample amount of hair flips is the perfect compliment to a pure pop/dance anthem. Plus he gives good face. Danny is one fierce bitch and he knows it, so don't hate on this genius.

Oh, and don't even make the Adam Lambert comparison, they are so not the same.

Bonus round!

Normally I don't blog about Idol results night because nothing actually happens. And I especially wasn't planning on blogging tonight because I wanted to just kick back and relax, but as I've been watching the red carpet on the TV Guide channel my bitchery just couldn't contain itself so here we go. A mini-live blog if you will.

Jason Castro is definitely high. But that's no surprise. Homeboy arrived so early because he woke up from a nap and couldn't find a clock so just but out his blunt and rolled out. But don't worry, he packed one for later.

Also pretty sure Chikezie is drunk. No one wears a sailor hat because they're sober.

I find it very funny when finalists who were the first to be eliminated walk the carpet like they're hot ish. David "I used to be a gay stripper" Hernandez, I'm talking to you. You're actually lucky you were a stripper because otherwise we'd have nothing to remember you by.

They even let someone we don't even remember do the actual red carpet interviews, hi Brandon Rogers! For not doing Idol Gives Back this year they certainly still kept up the charity work.

Bringing back Nick Mitchell aka "Norman Gentle" just made my life!! (remember shiny rainbow shirt guy?) Now all they need is that Nathaniel guy who rocked the lip piercing and Kate Gosselin haircut. And ya know, he was pretty gay too.

Omg, this Black Eyed Peas performance with backup dancers in black and white optical illusion print full body stockings complete with face mask are tripping me out like woah. Jason Castro is loving this. Plus did anyone see the quick shot of Megan Cockery doing some robotic slut dance? Not to mention the boo-boo where clearly either someone said something naughty or the control room staff effed up. Loves the production value this season.

Can someone just silence Kara and inform her that her 15 minutes are over? Seriously annoying. Do not try to mess with Katrina. Long live Bikini Girl!

Of course Adam Lambert's performance with Kiss (and his cage-like jacket/platform boot fashion combo) was amazing and like nothing anyone has ever seen before on the Idol stage. Not that we have much control at this point, but if he doesn't win after that somethin ain't right yo.

Megan Cockery and Daisy de la Hoya of Rock and Daisy of Love fame have nearly identical moon tattoos on their shoulders. Great hoes think alike.

It's now the end, and I'm laughing. Great job voting, America. Here's wrapping up a great season lol. No really, I'm laughing out loud.

Live Blogging: American Idol

Welcome to the final AI live blog of the season. I have my bottle of Andre popped because this is clearly an occasion worthy of celebration. Watching good slaughter def calls for cheap champagne.

8:00pm - Clips of interviews from the pretty one and the god of eyeliner at their first auditions, scenes of past performances, yada yada. Did I mention Adam was my fav from the first audition? Yah, I so called this.

8:02pm - Ryan has dubbed this as "the guy next door vs the guyliner". Couldn't have said it better myself. Translation: boring vs exciting and FIERCE!

8:04pm - Both contestants come out and Kris looks nervous as hell. Well he should be! Ryan also announces that the three performance categories for the night will be a favorite previous performance from the season, a song chosen by creator Simon Fuller, and the new "Idol song" written by Kara. In other words, something boring and horrible about how far they've made it and how they're living their dreams.

8:05pm - Annnnnd we're already in a commercial before any performances have even happened. Cock teases.

8:10pm - Oh hells yes Adam just rose up from the floor wearing a total Neo coat for his "Mad World" performance! Good choice my friend. And he even switches up the vocals from his own performance. Bow down bitches!

8:12pm - Although he left out the big final note. I blame it on the smoke machine...and Kara.

8:15pm - Aren't we past the point where we call Adam's performances "theatrical" as criticism? What, like that's unexpected?

8:18pm - Kris sings "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" (while playing the piano obvi) and I'm pretty sure he's trying to lose on purpose. This could not be more boring and safe.

8:19pm - Could Randy maybe mix another print that doesn't match into his outfit tonight? 2 plaids and a polkadot just aren't enough.

8:21pm - Despite the judges being nice in their comments to Kris (stop, he's a big boy, he can handle the truth), I give round 1 to Adam...obvi.

8:25pm - Simon Fuller's pick for our favorite glamazon: "Change is Gonna Come". And he's giving great constipated face and rocking an amazing shiny silver suit.

8:27pm - Thank goodness he pulled out the big notes on this song, I think he may have needed it after Simon C gave round 1 to Kris (wtf?!)

8:29pm - The judges also seem to have their panties in a bunch over that performance (glad I'm not the only one who has this confusing reaction). They've pretty much agreed it was his best performance of the season!

8:35pm - Kris has been assigned "What's Going On". Unfortunately I think he's actually going to do really well with this. Dammit!

8:38pm - Ugh that was really good! Although it so isn't fair that Kris is hiding behind his guitar and piano all night. But what's up with all this talkity talk about social awareness in song choice tonight? I like my Idol better full of only fluff and rainbows. Round 2 Adam, but it was closer than I'd like to admit.

8:44pm - Adam is making this painful "No Boundaries" song by Kara actually tolerable. Don't love it, these songs written for the first Idol single are always pretty bad, but I can get behind this for what it is with Adam's wide range of vocals and emotion. Well done, and let's just hope that Kris's version is as boring as these songs usually are.

8:48pm - Simon just outright dissed Kara's song. Loves it! But don't love the less-than-enthusiastic critiques from the judges. Do they really think Kris can do any better with that garbage?

8:54pm - Kris, picking up the mic stand and thrusting about will still not make you or this song anything better than mediocre. Nice effort though, number 2.

8:57pm - Without saying so directly, the judges pretty much just told Kris that sucked, he has no shot at winning, and to just enjoy being on the stage while he can. Finally people have been snapped back to reality.

8:59pm - Clearly based on tonight and the whole season Adam deserves to win, but let's get serious for a moment and theorize about this. The interesting thing about the final two is that it's the only time in Idol voting where you can play defence. Throughout the season we vote offensively, voting for the person we like the best or want to save. Since the odds are now 50/50, if you truly dislike a contestant (and in this case I suspect there may be some Lambert-haters), you can vote for their opponent and that vote will directly impede the success of the person you don't like. Therefore, the results tonight really could swing either way, much like the contestants themselves (heh). Also, the fact that Kris has even made it this far, beating out several competitors who were probably more worthy, shows that he does have a an base and does have people voting for him. Tonight is truly an occasion where every vote counts.

That being said, we all know I'm a total Adam-hag, but I'm not sure I want him to win this shindig. Clearly he deserves to, but as an artiste winning may not be the best thing for his career. Simon Fuller basically owns the winner. You are his pet precious for like two years or something like that. You have to put out an album full of safe songs written by the likes of Kara. You have to come back next year and pretend to care. Do we really want that for Adam? Does he even want that? If he really does (which I think he actually may) then let's give it to him. Because if Adam can't be happy with me, well then I just want him to be happy.

Live Blogging: American Idol

8:04pm - I love how they used to have to sing 3 songs when they were in the top 3, but now that they added a useless fourth judge they only have to sing 2. Which means no Clive Davis pick. Kara ruins everything.

8:06pm - I have no clue what the hell this song Paula picked for Danny actually is, but he's killing it. He so needed to after last week's catastrophe.

8:14pm - Kris has chipped blue nail polish on during his at-home visit when he's checking his "surprise" cell phone with his song assignment text. Someone's been spending too much time with Glambert.

8:16pm - And his version of "Apologize" is boring me to tears. Even his pretty face can't keep me entertained through this crap. Because it actually isn't as pretty as I originally thought.

8:20pm - Why are the judges even pretending like that was finals-worthy? I hate how they're rigging their comments this season!! At least Simon is putting these bitches in their place.

8:25pm - Now look at the god of eyeliner's nails. Flawless, un-chipped, and fierce!

8:28pm - If you just watched Adam's performance of U2's "One", along with the two mediocre-messes that preceded it, and still don't think that Adam deserves to win...you don't deserve to be watching this show and clearly aren't cool enough to be reading this blog. We are not friends.

8:31pm - As fierce as The Glambert usually is, let it be known that he is wearing a Canadian Tuxedo tonight. Hot mess.

8:36pm - That is a rockin remix of Toto that is playing in the "Carrie Underwood is so goodhearted because she does a forced visit to an African village" video clip. Though somewhat expected.

8:39pm - We just wasted a whole segment between commercials to watch Carrie Underwood play with starving orphans. Really?

8:45pm- The Gokster just seduced every woman in America into voting for him with "You Are So Beautiful To Me". Yet I'm still voting for the gay guy. Go figure.

8:49pm - The judges swooned over it. And The Gokster made a heart with his fingers. Welcome to the finals.

8:50pm - Kris Allen, who they conveniently remind us is from Arkansas, is singing Kanye West's "Heartless". One of these things is not like the other one... Good vocal I guess but what the hell was that? Awkward turtle...

8:52pm - America, STOP LISTENING TO THE JUDGES RIGHT NOW!! They are messing with your brains. That was awkwardly bad, NOT innovative. Did you see the episode of that performing arts high school show on MTV where the annoying white girl sang "Heartless" in the school talent show, or "showcase" as it's called when these schools take themselves too seriously? Yah, Kris was worse.

8:57pm - Adam, you need to kick so much ass to counteract the manipulation these judges are pulling tonight! I am worried for you. Work! *snaps fingers*

9:00pm - Homeboy turned it out with "Cryin" (early Aerosmith, right Kara?). And thank goodness. That was incredible.

9:03pm - Annnnnd what time is it? If this isn't a Gokster/Glambert finale there is something wrong with the world. If Adam gets cut I refuse to watch next week because I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of him in the group numbers wasting his best years waving a rose in the back of a corps, because he's better than that.

Cookie to anyone who gets the movie reference.

Live Blogging: American Idol

8:02pm - So Ryan tells us there's been some dramz on set this week with things collapsing and shit, so I say they just make American Idol: The Action Movie. Damn good marketing ploy if I ever saw one. Also, the contestants will be doing duets tonight which should be nice and shiteous.

8:06pm - Slash is our mentor. Has anyone ever seen his eyes, for reals? He's a shady one if you ask me.

8:08pm - The god of eyeliner and glitter is debuting yet another new hair-cut and another fierce makeup look. And some man-cleve! I hate to admit it, but though Adam claims this was his favorite theme week, his performance is kind of boring me. Awesome obvi, but more expected and safe than previous weeks.

8:10pm - Kara took it upon herself to play dress-up for the theme this week wearing a studded leather jacket and some sort of slicked back glam-rock hairdo. Even the contestants got the memo that theme weeks don't mean we play dress-up...unless the producers make us. The judges loved Adam's performance, obvi. He's so pretttttty

8:17pm - This week, Allison went with Adam to his "hair girl" of over two years. Why does it not surprise me that Adam has a hair girl? Def an improvement on the look for Allison. Learn from the master, bitches!

8:19pm - So we know she can sing or whatevs, but something just sounds off about Allison's voice this week.

8:21pm - Simon suggests that Allison should have sang Queen's "Somebody to Love". Blank look on face, Allison has clearly never heard of this song. Unacceptable, she is offic dead in my book.

8:28pm - Oh goody, here's one of the promised inagural duets between Kris and Danny! It's that "Renegade" song by Styx that I always try to sing but never know the words. I can't understand them any better the way The Gokster sings them either. Nor have I ever seen such a lack of chemistry between two people on stage. So are we supposed to be judging them on this ish?

8:31pm - It seems that the judges are just as confused as I am. That's refreshing.

8:37pm - Man Candy Allen is doing "Come Together" by the Beatles. This can't possibly turn out well...

8:40pm - I believe Simon used this analogy once before, but Kris's performance was like a kitten trying to be a tiger. Gold star if anyone can find the reference. May have been Kellie Pickler.

8:42pm - Instead Simon goes with a new analogy, that the performance was like eating ice for lunch, it leaves one with nothing to remember afterwards. I say eating ice for lunch makes you skinnyyyyy. The judges pretty much agree it was bad.

8:43pm - The Gokey singing "Dream On" also cannot possibly turn out well. Stay tuned.

8:49pm - Yeahhhhh, that was just terrible. I'm also going to retract my statement about not playing dress-up. Yes, you shouldn't necessarily dress the theme, but it also doesn't work if you're singing Aerosmith while dressed like a second grade teacher, DANNY GOKEY.

8:52pm - So the judges pretty much agree that Gokey sucked, but they try to cover it to save him because the producers told them to. I'd also like to take this (and every) opportunity to point out what a moron Kara is by recommending that Gokey stick to more "early Aerosmith" like "Cryin" and "Crazy", which were released in 1993 and 1994 respectively. When was "Dream On" released? Oh yah, 1976. Booyah. Dumb bitch.

8:59pm - Now it's Adam and Allison's turn to embarrass themselves in a duet, and the god of emo is giving us what we really want by wearing tight spandex pants that show off his...less than impressive package. Not that I'll ever get to tap that. Damn. This performance was hot though dog.

9:00pm - We runneth over time again, but the bottom 2 are def going to be Man Candy and Allison because Adam is a rock god as the judges reminded us enough times tonight, and the producers will never let Hokey in the bottom. Ever. Me thinks that like Megan Cockery before him, pretty can't keep Kris Allen here any longer.

Give my regards to Broadway, they clearly need them

The nominations for the 2009 Tony Awards were announced today and while they were pretty much what you'd expect with Billy Elliot leading the pack, there was one choice which made me question the credibility of whoever chose these nominations. It also made me sad for the state of the Great White Way in general if pickins really are this slim.

Constantine Maroulis was nominated for Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical for Rock of Ages. I didn't even know we were taking this show seriously as a Broadway musi-cal. Need I mention that Constantine is a washed-up American Idol 6th place winner from four years ago? I'll admit that once upon a time I was enchanted by his flowing locks, melodic voice and famous smoldering stares, but I didn't think that ish could cut it on Broadway! Clearly I was wrong. But even I have grown up and realized that Constantine is a greasy douche bag, so why haven't the people whose opinions really matter?

Also, noticeably absent from the Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Play nominations was Harry Potter's penis. Clearly this is an oversight. That lil guy did a damn good job. I guess compared to Constantine even a legitimate penis isn't enough of a dick to get a Tony nomination. Sad.

Live Blogging: American Idol

8:02pm - Songs from the Rat Pack era...oh hells yes. I'm lovin this already.

8:04pm - Jamie Foxx as a mentor? Finally Paula has a reason to blame it on the aa a-a-aa a-a-aa a-a-aalcohol.

8:12pm - Kris "Eye Candy" Allen absolutely seduced every girl in America with that performance of "The Way You Look Tonight". It doesn't even matter anymore if he can sing, homeboy is just damn sexy in that suit and skinny tie.

8:15pm - Simon just compared Kris Allen to a dog and called his performance "wet." Simon, stop letting your kinky fantasies affect your judging.

8:22pm - Finally Allison is wearing a half decent outfit and hairstyle...if you can overlook how many ostriches had to die to make her skirt.

8:27pm - So obvi Allison can sing and according to the judges she's all grown up singing a ballad and that good stuff, but Simon still thinks she might be in trouble because of her lack of confidence. I can't help but think he might be right. Plus, I really just wanna see an all boy top 4.

8:33pm - Ugly Justin is so not gonna attempt "My Funny Valentine". The ultimate Idol heartthrob, Greek God Constantine Maroulis, did this one 4 years ago and killed it. Should be untouchable especially since Matt G clearly doesn't have the hotness to compete.

8:35pm - Is it just me or was that hella short and was his singing really squeaky and awkward?

8:37pm - Mixed reviews from the judges, but Simon is lovin this ish. We shall see, Matt G, we shall see...

8:44pm - Even Jamie Foxx knows the Gokster actually ain't all that. He even got "all up in his grill" to tell him so! Danny does look damn sexy tonight though, glad to see the glasses are back.

8:46pm - I spoke too soon. Gokey totally turned it out at the end. Andddddd he officially won me back.

8:49pm - Judges' consensus? No one in the corner has swagga like Gokey.

8:54pm - When the god of eyeliner met Jamie Foxx.......yah I have no ideas what just happened either in that mentor session.

8:56pm - Adam is gettin all angry and gritty up in this one. Better watch out for this fierce bitch!

8:59pm - Simon says Randy complaining about Adam's theatrics is like complaining that a cow "moos". Quote of the night, thanks S. Luv me some Broadway glitz and Lambert strutting down the stairs.

So the bottom 3 (will they do 3?) will be Kris, Allison, and Ugly Justin. This is a tough call, but I think UG's two week lucky streak may be over and he may be going back to the Nsync cover band that so desperately needs him. But I'd rather see Allison go. The more penises left in this competition, the better.

Live Blogging: American Idol

8:00pm - Quentin Tarantino is joining us this week as the Idols sing songs from the movies. And Ryan actually let him say the "This.....................is American Idol" line. But the pause was much shorter than Ryan gives. Five bucks says someone sings "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" tonight.

8:03pm - They acknowledged the fact that they ranneth over time last week and that they are no longer capable of producing a well-run show. Apparently there's too much talk time. That's what happens when you add a fourth judge!! I blame Kara...for everything bad in life.

8:06pm - This is quickly turning into an infomercial for Quentin Tarantino. Because THAT'S what I tuned in to see.

8:07pm - So called it with the Aerosmith song choice. Thanks, Allison. Now give me my money bitches!

8:11pm - Yes the girl can sing and pretty much turned it out tonight, but Hot Topic outfits and awkward leg movements do not make a star.

8:16pm - Can someone remind me where QT (ha) earned the right to coach people in their singing? And why Anoop Dog decided it was appropriator to cut the sleeves off of a perfectly good blazer and wear it over a button down with a tie and call it a performance outfit? I think I preferred the days when he was wearing hoodies and singing Usher to this adult contemporary Bryan Adams crap.

8:21pm - The god of emo eyeliner got a haircut. Don't worry, he of course is still rocking a man bang. Take it as you will.

8:23pm - I have no idea what fierceness I just witnessed, but it's official that Adam Lambert does a smoky eye better than I do and can do no wrong performance wise. Let alone the fact that homeboy hit notes that do not exist during "Born to Be Wild". I also saw a lot of his crotch in his stage-slides. Nice.

8:31pm - Ugly Justin is trying to seduce me with this "Have You Every Really Loved A Woman" business telling me that I'm special and I'm the one and a bunch of other lies. Okay, it's kinda working.

8:33pm - ...until he hit some godawful high note and ruined it. You almost had me there, Giraud!

8:41pm - Danny Gokey has eyes under those glasses? Put them back on, you're losing your swagga. Loved him at the beginning, but he's really starting to bore me and the screaming is getting old.

8:50pm - I have no idea what Kris Allen is singing or if he's even singing words at all. All indulgent mumbling and whispering sweet musical nothings. Just take it off already!

8:58pm - Lil Rounds: Terrible bangs/hair extensions, boring and shaky performance. This girl is simply not as good as she originally lead us to believe.

9:00pm - And we're over time again. Even silencing the judges half the time didn't work out for them. Who's floor managing and directing the timing of this crap? Are we even professionals here? Is this a major network? My homies and former colleagues at Pirate Televizzle at Seton Hall University did a better job at television. Inexcusable.

9:01pm - However, watching Simon putting Lil in her mediocre place and watching Lil fight back was almost worth Fox's bad job at making television.

9:03pm - Put simply bottom 3: Lil, Man Candy Kris, and Anoop Dog. Bye bye Lil. Twas good knowing you while we still thought you had a lil somethin somethin of talent in ya.

Live Blogging: American Idol

Slightly tipsy...this should be good.

8:00pm - Do you ever wonder whether Seacrest purposely tries to drag out the pause for as long as he can when he says "This..............is American Idol"? But I do love "songs from the year you were born" week. Yay 1984!

8:05pm - The Gokester is singing "Stand By Me". I can already feel the potential for a lot of wailing.

8:07pm - But he turns it out and the judges love it. Shocker. Another good week for the Gokester.

8:14pm - Eye Candy Kris Allen not only gets the loudest scream this side of Jonas-ville anytime they say his name, but he was also born well after me which makes me feel weird. And here I thought he was one of the older contestants. I mean, homeboy is married and on a successful national singing competition and I'm sittin here drunk on my couch in dirty sweatpants, single, writing about said singing competition. Cheers y'all.

8:16pm - Sometime between the beginning and end of my pathetic rant Kris sang his song and it was so boring I forgot to pay attention.

8:19pm - Lil Rounds is older than me...by about a week and a half. 1984 bitches wooo! You sing that Tina Turner, girlfriend!

8:23pm - I don't understand why week after week the judges slam Lil Rounds's performance...homegirl is better than most of the other rejects up in this shiz. If she's not meant to be singing Tina-like songs then what IS she meant to be singing?

8:29pm - Anoop is expected to apologize for his actions toward the judges but that hoe who got kicked off last week isn't?!? Glad to see he grew up from the hoodies to the striped grandpa cardigan though.

8:32pm - Cindy Lauper, Anoop? Really? Do we need more reasons to compare you to a drunk frat boy, or rather, sorority girl singing karaoke on a dare in a bar?

8:34pm - Am I really that drunk? How are the judges loving this shit?

8:41pm - Scott MacIntyre decided to cheat on the piano with a guitar this week. For reals, is he even playing that or are these props? And that singing, especially the high note at end was truly truly painful.

8:47pm - Allison was born in 1992. I feel so freakin old... And does season go by where somebody doesn't sing "I Can't Make You Love Me"? AND really Allison, after last week's fashion catastrophe you wear this black witch costume with chains? It's a damn good thing this girl can sing.

8:56pm - If Matt Giraud is sick of being compared to Justin you'd never know it by his fashion choices (because we've never seen a tilted fedora and leather jacket before) and soulful arrangement of "Part Time Lovers". Still uglier.

8:58pm - I hate that I liked the performance though.

9:01pm - American Idol runneth over.

9:02pm - Adam Lambert's video package (heh) is probably one of the most priceless 30 seconds of television I've seen in awhile. When discussing his childhood, Adam's mother gushes that Adam was into everything: books, music, etc. Whereupon his father interjects "not so much sports though". Spoken like a true wannabe football dad. The god of eyeliner proceeds to admit that he pretty much just liked to play dress up. Youtube this slip pronto or just wait for it to make it's inevitable appearance on The Soup this weekend. Unpause DVR, watch performance, and let the master show us how it's done...

9:04pm - So I didn't know they had emo music in 1982, but leave it to Lambert to find the first ever emo song written in history. That of course no one else has ever heard. And then sing it so that only dogs can hear. With only dim blue stage lights on and obvi tears in his eyes and sadness in his heart. But by that I mean it was AWESOME!

9:05pm - Simon gives it a standing O. Has this ever happened?!? Hot damn.

9:06pm - So I guess we'll go with a crapshoot bottom three of Blind Guy, Allison, and Lil? Can this maybe be Blind Guy's week to go home? Down with sympathy voting!

Live Blogging: American Idol

So we meet again, American Idol. It's been soooooo long...

8:03pm - We're referring to the contestants as "artists"? HA!

8:04pm - Wtf kind of theme is "most popular downloads on itunes?" That can be basically anything! I hate when they give them basically a free pass with these loosey-goosey themes.

8:07pm - Thank you, Anoop, for an excellent carbon copy karaoke version of Usher. And what's with the shoulder chain? This one should evoke a lot of cliche phrases from the judges...

8:15pm - "Megan Joy" aka Megan COCKery is singing Bob Marley. Get yo lighters up, mon!

8:18pm - Bad hair, bad jewelry, bad singing. Pretty can no longer save this hoe even with the judges.

8:20pm - Although I do kinda want her necklace with the big gold glittery "M" medallion. Except even as I type that I realize how tacky it sounds.

8:28pm - As much as I want to love Danny Gokey singing Rascal Flatts, I'm so not feelin this. But everyone's still gonna vote for this ish anyway.

8:30pm - And the judges love it. Obvi.

8:33pm - Is Allison even playing that guitar? Or are we allowed props now on Idol? Plus you just shouldn't touch No Doubt. Sanjaya taught us that two years ago during the ponyhawk incident.

8:36pm - The judges hate Allison's hair and wardrobe. Her hair does pretty much look like a spikey reverse mullet porcupine thing. Tis the curse of trying to attempt No Doubt! Just don't peoples!

8:43pm - Scott is gonna try something different and "strip things down, make things intimate, just him and the piano" with some Billy Joel. And this is different than what he's been doing for the past two months because...?

8:45pm - And the bad spikey hair gods have also paid a visit to Scott. I'll refrain from the obvious joke. I mean, homeboy looks like Frankenstein.

8:47pm - I was underwhelmed but the judges love it. Guess Blind Guy still ain't goin anywhere.

8:53pm - Is anyone surprised that Ugly Justin is singing "The Fray"? Anyone? Bueller?

8:55pm - And he isn't even doing it justice. Why the screaming, UJ?

8:59pm - Holy pantyline, Lil Rounds! And singing Celine? Really? This ish is painful.

9:02pm - Ryan's back manages to walk in the judges shot. Priceless! Someone's getting fired at Fox tonight.

9:04pm - Aww, Ryan, don't bring the kids into this! And YOU out there, no sympathy votes just because Lil has adorable daughters!

9:09pm - Ohhhh so THAT's why we have this bullshit "most downloaded" theme, so we can do some more blatant product placement for itunes. I'm so disappointed in you, Idol, yet not entirely surprised.

9:11pm - Thankfully the bad hair gods did not strike the god of emo tonight. And he's giving an amazing performance with some amazing pelvic thrusting. That's what we like to see!

9:17pm - So I heard Idol was scheduled to be an hour and twenty minutes tonight. We're still currently in commercial and have one contestant, Paula's ramblings, and clips from the night to go. Good luck with that.

9:21pm - Decent job by Kris Allen, but he needs to tighten up the t-shirt. I don't think anyone is even listening to his vocals anymore, especially when he's showing a bit of man-cleavage.

9:23pm - Good God can Megan please be in the bottom 3 this week? This hoe will probably be there (hopefully) along with Allison and Matt "Ugly Justin" Giraud. If there's any justice left in the world, Megan will go home.

Live Blogging: American Idol

8:01pm - Why are the judges holding hands as they walk out? Ew. And "shocking elimination of Alexis Grace last week"? Who was shocked, the conspiring producers?

8:06pm - Motown Week. Holy Botox, Smokey Robinson!

8:09pm - Ugly Justin starts us off tonight. Sorry, still don't want to "get it on" with you.

8:13pm - Matt G a front runner? Ehhh I wouldn't go that far.

8:20pm - Kris "Eye Candy" Allen is obvi super hot but boring and forgettable. My God I sound like Simon. Homeboy needs to give America what they want and sex it up a bit!

8:29pm - Do you think Scott even realizes how little his outfit matches?

8:33pm - Thank you, Scott, for another boring performance behind the piano. Yay for the awkward backup singers!

8:35pm - Please tell me I'm not seeing the bulge I think I am in Blind Guy's too-tight pink pants...

8:39pm - Does anyone understand why Paula just gave Simon crayons and a coloring book? And did Ryan really just ask Scott how he knew he was wearing pink pants? Not that I wasn't thinking the same thing, but I just didn't know you were allowed to say shit like that on television.

8:44pm - Has Megan Corkery like totes dropped her last name now? Guess it's just "Megan Joy" now. Must be her old stripper name.

8:46pm - And what is this hot mess of a vocal performance? So this season's Kristy Lee Cook...but sluttier.

8:55pm - Anoop is also delivering one hot mess of a performance...but in a weirdly sexy way. But homeboy def needs to do something about those brows.

8:58pm - Did Paula change rings during the commercial break? For reals, she had on some shiny golfball before and switched to some black shiny cockroach looking thing. Watch the tape you know I'm right, bitches!

8:59pm - How the hell did the judges actually think that was a good performance? Conspiracy!

9:08pm - Go back to drilling oil, Oil Man! You don't belong here! And wtf is that hideous gold choker with a dog tag? Where do they even find these people? GOSH!

9:18pm - Everything else on this show has been a hot mess, but Lil Rounds's shoes during her one-on-one with Smokey are FIERCE!

9:20pm - This is Lil Rounds's week. Girlfriend is turnin it out!

9:24pm - Wtf with the negativity, Randy, Kara, and Simon? I thought the judges would be creaming their pants over this shiz. Conspiracy!

9:32pm - The god of eyeliner is channeling Zefron in "Hairspray" with the look...that's hot.

9:34pm - Simply amazing. No one can touch the Lambert. Don't even TRY to argue with me on this.

9:44pm - The Gokster...lookin good! And love the dance moves with the backup singers. A lil cheese never hurt anyone.

9:51pm - Allison (who I tend to forget even exists), what's up with the mumbling? At least it'll cover her ass if she forgets the words because she's not even SAYING words!

9:54pm - ...AND Paula has a drawn on mustache. It's officially time for this night to end.

9:59pm - So I'll put out my predictions which are sure to be wrong...Bottom 3: Megan Joy, Allison, and Oil Man, with Oil Man going home? Ehhh why do I even try? Just vote Lambert!

There goes that theory...

The rumor that the final 4 of American Idol were already pre-chosen was proven false this week when Alexis Grace was eliminated from the competition. Alexis even had an opportunity to "sing for her life" and win the judges' one free pass that they're allowed to hand out this season, which would have given the judges an opportunity to veto the public vote and "uphold the producers' wishes", but no such luck for Miss Grace.

Call me naive, but I refuse to believe that Idol, or any reality show for that matter, is fixed. It would simply crush my girlish hopes and dreams and defeat the purpose of getting carpal tunnel from dialing to vote for two straight hours. Reality TV is real dammit!

Live Blogging: American Idol

Before we begin, I'd just like to note that I saw last week's castoff, Jorge Nunez, doing interviews at my place of work today. Homeboy was staring wide-eyed like a kid in a candy store and is clearly just amazed to be in Amer-i-ca.

8:00pm - Damn Adam Lambert is looking fierrrrce tonight! *claps like an idoit*

8:01pm - Shamrock projections, Irish music, and green lights? No they are not...

8:04pm - Very few weeks make me more excited than country week. Except Broadway week. Unfortunately Simon put the stop on that one circa season 4. Let the HOE-down begin!

8:08pm - Wtf is this interesting mic squeeze and bromance with the harmonica player that Oil Man (Michael Sarver) has going on? He looks way too comfortable squeezing cylindrical objects.

8:10pm - Who dressed Kara in a silver latex Hefty bag? And 2002 called, they want their necklace back.

8:12pm - Oil Man is starting to look hot...I must really need to get some.

8:20pm - Allison Ira-whatever is good, thank goodness she ditched the Avril look tonight.

8:23pm - Randy Travis is more than a tad creepy. And has a mis-shapen head. Awkward winking at Kris "Please just take your shirt off" Allen.

8:25pm - Go ahead cameraman, keep showing that close up of Kris that shows his wedding-ringed hand. Remind us what we cannot have. *Swoon*

8:27pm - Simon likes it? Wtf? I thought I just liked Kris because I wanna bang it out. I didn't realize he was actually talented too. Score!

8:34pm - Lil Rounds: For not being into country, way to pick a song that's just about as country as you can get, "Independence Day" by Martina McBride. Good job with that one. This is going to be a hot mess.

8:36pm - ...and it is.

8:39pm - Simon messed up this bitch's name, calling her "Little". And he does NOT have to apologize for it!

8:41pm - The god of eyeliner, emo, tears, and self tanning is up next!!! And besides being fabulous, he's pretty good at music too.

8:46pm - Randy Travis is obvi not haps with Adam Lambert's middle-eastern version of "Ring of Fire".

8:47pm - Adam Lambert, stop seducing me with your eyes and soft melodic voice. I'm well aware that I have no chance of getting with this.

8:58pm - Excuse my un-PC-ness, but why is the blind guy still here?

9:02pm - Randy and others, you haven't seen "those hot crazy unbelievable" vocals from Scott because he doesn't have them! You let him through this far just because he's blind!!! (Omg every discrimination organization can just come and arrest me right now, I probably deserve it.)

9:10pm - Remember in the first round of auditions when Alexis Grace was mad boring and kinda white trash-ish, and the judges told her to come back with some sass/personality? Think she just put a pink streak in her hair, did a smokey eye, and sat back saying "I'm edgy now, right?"

9:19pm - Please tell me Danny Gokey is not going to attempt to sing Carrie Underwood. This makes me sad for him and for Carrie. And why is he wearing a winter coat indoors...in LA?

9:23pm - Yet the judges like it. Conspiracy! Paula's probably sleeping with him...and if she's not, she should certainly try. And thank you, Simon, for calling him out on the jacket.

9:32pm - What is it with Anoop-Dog and hoodies? I thought they had stylists up in this ish? At least he's rocking some manly argyle this time around and not gym class worthy bright blue.

9:36pm - And apparently Anoop-Dog is back in the HOUSE! I think that's left to be seen.

9:42pm - Megan Joy Corkery (who like most Megans on reality tv, brings disgrace to the name) certainly likes to dress for the occasion. Last week she dressed like a slutty robin and this week she dressed like an old-west prostitute.

9:44pm - But the bitch is hot and can kinda sing.

9:45pm - Coughing for votes?

9:52pm - Oh great, Matt Giraud aka Ugly-Justin is giving us another wonderful rendition of a Carrie Underwood song. Do you think they forced a minimum number of people to lay homage to our former Idol?

9:54pm - Ehhh, it actually wasn't so bad.

9:56pm - "Matt Buble". Haha funny joke, Ryan.

9:59pm - Annnnnd I get ready to dial 866-idols-05 for the God of Egyptian Eyeliner Fabulousness. Bottom 3 prediction: Blind Guy, "Little" Rounds, and Megan Joy. Going home: With no affirmative action figured in, Blind Guy. See you next Tuesday bitches! (And don't hate on me for calling it like it is!)