Live Blogging: American Idol

8:02pm - So Ryan tells us there's been some dramz on set this week with things collapsing and shit, so I say they just make American Idol: The Action Movie. Damn good marketing ploy if I ever saw one. Also, the contestants will be doing duets tonight which should be nice and shiteous.

8:06pm - Slash is our mentor. Has anyone ever seen his eyes, for reals? He's a shady one if you ask me.

8:08pm - The god of eyeliner and glitter is debuting yet another new hair-cut and another fierce makeup look. And some man-cleve! I hate to admit it, but though Adam claims this was his favorite theme week, his performance is kind of boring me. Awesome obvi, but more expected and safe than previous weeks.

8:10pm - Kara took it upon herself to play dress-up for the theme this week wearing a studded leather jacket and some sort of slicked back glam-rock hairdo. Even the contestants got the memo that theme weeks don't mean we play dress-up...unless the producers make us. The judges loved Adam's performance, obvi. He's so pretttttty

8:17pm - This week, Allison went with Adam to his "hair girl" of over two years. Why does it not surprise me that Adam has a hair girl? Def an improvement on the look for Allison. Learn from the master, bitches!

8:19pm - So we know she can sing or whatevs, but something just sounds off about Allison's voice this week.

8:21pm - Simon suggests that Allison should have sang Queen's "Somebody to Love". Blank look on face, Allison has clearly never heard of this song. Unacceptable, she is offic dead in my book.

8:28pm - Oh goody, here's one of the promised inagural duets between Kris and Danny! It's that "Renegade" song by Styx that I always try to sing but never know the words. I can't understand them any better the way The Gokster sings them either. Nor have I ever seen such a lack of chemistry between two people on stage. So are we supposed to be judging them on this ish?

8:31pm - It seems that the judges are just as confused as I am. That's refreshing.

8:37pm - Man Candy Allen is doing "Come Together" by the Beatles. This can't possibly turn out well...

8:40pm - I believe Simon used this analogy once before, but Kris's performance was like a kitten trying to be a tiger. Gold star if anyone can find the reference. May have been Kellie Pickler.

8:42pm - Instead Simon goes with a new analogy, that the performance was like eating ice for lunch, it leaves one with nothing to remember afterwards. I say eating ice for lunch makes you skinnyyyyy. The judges pretty much agree it was bad.

8:43pm - The Gokey singing "Dream On" also cannot possibly turn out well. Stay tuned.

8:49pm - Yeahhhhh, that was just terrible. I'm also going to retract my statement about not playing dress-up. Yes, you shouldn't necessarily dress the theme, but it also doesn't work if you're singing Aerosmith while dressed like a second grade teacher, DANNY GOKEY.

8:52pm - So the judges pretty much agree that Gokey sucked, but they try to cover it to save him because the producers told them to. I'd also like to take this (and every) opportunity to point out what a moron Kara is by recommending that Gokey stick to more "early Aerosmith" like "Cryin" and "Crazy", which were released in 1993 and 1994 respectively. When was "Dream On" released? Oh yah, 1976. Booyah. Dumb bitch.

8:59pm - Now it's Adam and Allison's turn to embarrass themselves in a duet, and the god of emo is giving us what we really want by wearing tight spandex pants that show off his...less than impressive package. Not that I'll ever get to tap that. Damn. This performance was hot though dog.

9:00pm - We runneth over time again, but the bottom 2 are def going to be Man Candy and Allison because Adam is a rock god as the judges reminded us enough times tonight, and the producers will never let Hokey in the bottom. Ever. Me thinks that like Megan Cockery before him, pretty can't keep Kris Allen here any longer.