If "The Bachelor" doesn't work out...

Frank "The Entertainer", who by this time is bona fide VH1 royalty, is finally getting his own reality show. For those of you who aren't familiar with his sexiness, he is best known for I Love New York 2, I Love Money 1 and 2, and living in his very-Italian parents' basement. The show will be called The Entertainer of Love (because VH1 is very creative) and will follow the typical format of a dozen or so skanks competing for The Entertainer's love. Actually I'm predicting these girls won't be skanky so much as just pure po-dunk white trash, or licensed Jersey guidettes. But sadly enough, I don't actually think The Entertainer is enough of a hot mess or on enough substances for this to show to be all that great. Especially compared to recent gems like Daisy of Love.

I probably shouldn't ever admit this, but I find The Entertainer very sexy. Sure he is bat shizit crazy and a total loser, but his body is bangin and I genuinely think he's pretty hot and would be fun to date. For a hot sec I thought about replying to the casting call for The Entertainer of Love, but then I remembered that two of his past "girlfriends" have been New York and Becky Buckwild and that means he definitely has questionable taste...not to mention The Clap.

We also must remember and respect that The Entertainer is the original reality TV toe-sucker, as shown in an infamous hot tub scene from I Love New York. Noting this, what may actually be a better idea for a reality show is to partner The Entertainer with reality TV's newest toe-sucker, Tanner P of The Bachelorette, and have a show called Who Wants To Marry a Foot-Fetishish? They can have challenges like peeling a banana with your feet, toe-painting, and obvi a "foot-job under the dinner table" competition. Now THAT is more along the lines of what a good VH1 show should be!

Burn, Baby, Burn

I'm one of those very lucky girls who has three levels of tan: ghostly, burnt, and I'm-so-burnt-it-hurts-to-wear-clothes-and-should-probably-go-to-the-hospital. Yet summer after summer my vanity kicks in and I wrongfully assume that I can safely get a tan by laying out for "just a little bit" sans sunscreen. Cue the lobster look. This year I finally realized that I'm doing major harm to my skin and putting myself at risk for all types of cancer, so I finally gave into the pressures of SPF30 (which I've learned is the minimum a blonde Irish/Polish gal like me should be wearing).

Most sunscreens can be a pain in the ass to apply every few hours, which may have something to do with my previous aversion, but this summer a new trend in spray-on sunscreens is rocking my world. They are super quick and easy to apply, and it's actually possible to do your back on your own. This unfortunately takes the fun out of asking random hotties to do it for you, but there aren't usually random hotties on your NYC apartment's deserted roofdeck and sunscreen is too important to skip. Most of the major brands have come out with spray sunscreens, but I like Coppertone Sport Continuous Spray SPF 30 for the protection (no burns yet this summer for me!) and the yummy smell (according to my roommate). It retails for about $9.99 or more in major drug stores, but the can does run out much more quickly than its cousin in a bottle. This can def add up, so I've found a great cheapie alternative at Harmon Discount Beauty (a godsend if you live in the tri-state area!) in Harmon's Face Value Continuous Spray Sport Sunscreen SPF 30, only $5.99 in Harmon stores or online. Notice how there are zero similarities in the name or the bottle......sneaky bastards.

Carry on, Sad Panda

I felt it due time that I checked in with news about my good friend, Sad Panda. Since I last wrote about SP, I've had the pleasure of finally seeing him in person! It was a truly great moment in my life. It seems that Sad Panda has taken up a regular Sunday morning post at the corner of Broadway and Wall Street. He's usually seated in a corner by the stock exchange gate and looking quite forlorn. I've encountered him several times now on my way to mass but unfortunately haven't been able to stop and chat because it's early on a Sunday morning so obvi I am running late and hungover.

A change that must be noted about SP's choice in accessories is that the Duane Reade bag is no more, and lately Sad Panda has been seen carrying a small floral patterned purse (seen pictured, from Gothamist). This makes me wonder: perhaps we always wrongly assumed that Sad Panda is a "he"? I'm fine with murses, but no self-respecting male panda would carry a floral bag. Or maybe...Sad Panda is actually a tranny? On SP's Facebook page, he/she chooses not to identify as either gender or state a sexual preference. I like the mystery, but hmmmmm...

But I don't judge. I've come to quite enjoy seeing Sad Panda on a lonely Sunday. As I pass, I've taken to giving a little nod or a slight smile and wave as if to say, "I salute you, Sad Panda, for all that you bring to our fair city. Keep doing what you do."

Dina's Big Fat Jersey Trash Wedding

VH1 TV Shows Music Videos Celebrity Photos News & Gossip


Oh. My. God. Little did we know Dina Manzo (yes, THAT Dina of The Real Housewives of New Jersey) has been exploiting herself on trash TV for quite some time. Behold a 2007 episode of VH1's My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding which coincidentally aired this afternoon, in the height of Housewives mania. Dina and Tommy's wedding had over 600 guests and was held at The Brownstone, obvi. This video speaks for itself and is absolutely worth the 20 minutes it takes to watch, but some highlights include Dina claiming that she wants a huge ass cake with turtles and balls on it, having a meltdown over the wedding song and not being introduced properly at the reception, and buying an ugly-ass $10,000 wedding dress. Which is actually pretty damn cheap considering that the wedding in total cost over 1.1 million dollars, including $350,000 on flowers alone. To put that in perspective, the national average for wedding costs is $27,000, and I'm pretty sure my hick cousins did theirs for under $3000.

Of course Caroline also makes an appearance because remember, this is Dina's wedding to Caroline's husband's brother. They're not just sisters, they're sisters married to brothers. VH1 should have realized that this was pure genius and signed these hot messes to an exclusive contract before Bravo got their hands on them. Someone is so getting fired when they realize this.

Team Danielle!

All anyone's been able to talk about this week has been The Real Housewives of New Jersey and the Table-Flip Heard Round The World. Last night part 2 of the finale "The Last Supper/Director's Cut" aired, and while I didn't find it as enjoyable as the original (being that you knew exactly what was coming), there were some highlights. From a communication student POV, I thought the 4-way split screens that showed a moment from every camera angle at the same time were a fascinating way to simultaneously experience everyone's reaction to drama such as The Book taking its rightful place at the dinner table [above]. It really made you feel like you were there, and thus made me physically duck to avoid flying red wine. I also really enjoyed the bar scene at the end that was left out of the original finale. The fact that Danielle actually stayed for drinks with the other Housewives and their families with minimal dramz shows that deep down they all must be able to tolerate each other more than the original edit led on.

Which brings me to the part where I want to stick up for Danielle. Yes, she has a past, the extent of which we will probably never know the 100% truth. But does it really matter? As Danielle herself points out, it was 25 years ago. People DO change. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet Danielle and chat for a bit, and coincidentally it was the day before her past started to break big time in the news media. She alluded to embarrassing events that were about to be leaked as much as was allowed by contract, and she came right out and said that it was going to be ugly. However, she came across as very genuine, someone who has truly grown into a caring woman and loving mother. She admitted the fact that she has made some mistakes that she is embarrassed by but has moved away from. And though she is a very strong and tough woman, she seemed genuinely hurt by the people who have wronged and betrayed her, past and present. She was someone that I would want in my company and as a friend, which is much more than I can say about someone like Dina who constantly talks shit about people and I'm pretty sure is still lying about revealing The Book. So despite any of her questionable decisions and sexual shenanigans, I am soooooo Team Danielle. Now all we need is for Bravo to make the t-shirts.

They should call it "sexy hour" ow-ow!

Obivia
SoHo
201 Lafayette Street (b/w Kenmare and Broome Streets)
New York, NY 10012
212-226-4904
www.obivia.com

You know that cute co-worker with whom you hang out occasionally and flirt but are never quite in the right environment to make your move? Make your next happy hour at Obivia and consider it a done deal because this place is sex-y! The dim purple lighting and loungey furniture create the mood, and Obivia's amazing happy hour deals will keep the liquid encouragement flowing. Good happy hour at a lounge say whatttt?!? It's true, Obivia boasts daily hours-o-happiness lasting until anywhere from 8pm-midnight with specials on food and drink such as $12 sangria carafes, $6 wings, and $3 real beef sliders which are probably my new favorite food group. Butttttt if you're into paying hundreds for bottle service they have that too, Obivia keeps it classy. The music is good even though the DJ doesn't take requests, the staff is friendly and quite helpful with special events, and if you need a conversation starter to chat up a hottie you can laugh about the hilarious b-movies playing on Obivia's many video screens. But when it all works out and your trip to Obivia does lead to sexy times, just please don't do it on the couch near me.
Rating: 4 stars

Yes, I will accept this rose *insert tear*

As you can see, I don't oft write about my personal life in this blog. (Unless you would make the argument that television is pretty damn close to my personal life at this point, in which case I would not argue with you.) However, on Saturday I auditioned for The Bachelor in Philadelphia, so I hereby deem this experience as having enough journalistic integrity to blog about. I present you with a play-by-play of the day. Looking back it may have been a hell of a lot easier to just "tweet" as this were happening, but then I would have completely lost all respect for myself and that's not good.


Saturday, June 13, 2009
6:00am - Wake up, shower, attempt fierce hair and outfit. Flip flops for now, heels and makeup will come later. It's too damn early.

7:40am - Arrive in Chinatown at bus stop. If I'm going to be enough of a crazy person to travel to Philly to attend a cattle call for a reality show, I'm at least going to do it on the cheap with the Chinatown Bus (got the NY->Phil bus for only $1!). I have a moment of "why the hell am I doing this?"

8:15am - The bus departs (fifteen minutes late), and I begin filling out my casting application that I printed from the ABC website. I don't even know if I need this thing, but if so I'm sure as hell going to put some thought into it.

8:50am - What the hell is my unique talent that I'm most proud of? And what does this have to do with whether I'd be a good contender for Bachelor X's love?

10:10am - Arrive in Philadelphia (almost on time) and find a McDonalds in which to grab an Egg McMuffin and apply my face.

11am - The McDonalds lady tells me that I look pretty as I'm wielding a mascara wand. This makes me feel confident (I think). Board local bus to mall slightly outside Philly where the casting will be taking place at a Dave and Busters.

12:30pm - Arrive at mall, and with only thirty minutes to go before the open call starts I am SHOCKED to see no 500-deep line of overly made-up girls . Decide to shop a lil instead of being one of the first to arrive and looking like a tool. Glance around H&M at other girls in cocktail dresses and heels trying to play it off like this is how they always dress for their lazy Saturday shopping.

1:02pm - Enter Dave and Busters and find the casting tucked into a banquet room in the back. A few dozen girls are here, some holding carnations. Did these bitches get chosen and get "roses" already? Dammit! Proceed to the check-in table and am asked to fill out an application (done and done bitches!) and sign a short waver.

1:05pm - Sit down at a table of several girls to begin waiting. Two options: sit in silence and awkwardly stare down the competition, or make awkward small talk. I choose small talk and open with a joke about signing our lives away on the waver. We all did, obvi. (The confessor admits that this waver actually wasn't that bad, suspects that a way harsh one comes later in the process.) Through small talk, I discover that one girl came from Boston and feel less crazy that I took a two-hour stinky bus from New York. I also (thankfully) learn that the carnations have nothing to do with the selection process but are rather promotional items from a cell phone company who are pimping themselves out at today's casting.

1:25pm - A twig-like girl who claims to be 26 but looks about 19 casually mentions that her manager advised her to get to this audition early. After her number is called to go into the interview room, another girl at the table turns to me and asks if she heard Twiggy correctly about being sent to the open call by a manager. I confirm, and we roll our eyes and share a good laugh. Girls continue to rotate in and out of the table as numbers are called and fresh meat arrives. It is around this time where I begin to share a bond with the girls at my table.

1:45pm - A woman with a microphone bearing the name of a local news radio station approaches during a one-on-one convo with my new table-mate claiming that we "seem talkative". New friend turns away leaving me as bait to this reporter. I answer her questions about the casting and my thoughts/intentions on the show. Genuinely caught off guard by a few questions. This girl is good.

1:55pm - Begin to wonder if there are hidden cameras/microphones anywhere on the table or in the room, any moles/spies among the applicants, or any other form of secret evaluation going on during this waiting period. The producers would be very smart to have done so.

2:00pm - A boy sits down at the table...and he's cute! All eyes perk up. The casting is open to "eligible men and women", but save for one dorky guy on the opposite side of the room this may as well be a clam bake. The producers present even admit that they're pretty sure they already have the next Bachelor chosen, but men are invited to give it a go. The attention and conversation at my table takes a noticeable shift in the penile direction.

2:15pm - The topic of conversation turns to what we think they're looking for. I comment that most of the girls here seem fairly down to earth with differing degrees of attractiveness, but there's a few that draw immediate attention because they are sooooooo put together. In my opinion, they're probably either shoo-ins or totally wrong for this show, but personally they're rubbing me the wrong way. I didn't mention any names (because duh I didn't know anyone's name!) but made a motion to an overly-giggly bleach blonde with a perfect fluffy side-ponytail and a red dress which could barely contain her (not that great) breasts. Yes ladies, the claws are coming out.

2:30pm - Finally my number is called and after they take a few snapshots (the PA on camera duty assured me that my eyes were open), I am instructed to sit at a new "on deck" table with about ten other girls. Suddenly exhausted from over an hour of small talk and so not feelin the girls at my new table (including the aforementioned "perfect" blonde and a few prototype Jersey girls), I shut down for a bit and turn to a discarded issue of US Weekly. Rough calculations show at least 30 more minutes of wait time, and Kate Gosselin's dramz is holding my attention more than this lot.

3:10pm - My turn for reals now! I am escorted into a back room and sat down for an on-camera, one-on-one interview with a producer, who is impressed that I brought a few computer-printed snapshots with my application. She gives me a clip-on microphone and begins the interview about my hobbies, family, and of course dating life including my lack of serious relationships, why I think I'm still single (way harsh), and why I want to find love on The Bachelor. I think my answers were okay (or at least I was being honest and felt pretty comfortable) but one never knows how she's really being perceived or again, what they're looking for. Find myself wondering (but not wanting to ask) whether I should be looking at the camera, my interviewer, or neither. I think/hope I finally settled on making eye contact with the producer.

3:20pm - Interview over, I'm standing doing a slow twirl so the camera can get a full body shot. Praying that I don't have VPL, but glad that I get to show off the gams. Twirling for the camera doesn't feel awkward or contrived at all *sarcasm*. The producer informs me that they'll be calling in about 4-6 weeks. In hindsight I realize I don't know if this means they'll call either way or only if I've made it past round 1, but let's just say that in mid-July I'll abandon my policy of not screening unknown numbers. She also says that filming will probably begin in mid-October lasting for a few months and asks if I'd be willing to take time off work. I stammer and say that I probably would, but that's a long way off to know where I'll be in life, ya know, recession and all. Must have started babbling because she kindly tells me that I don't need to give a firm answer right now. She says it was nice to meet me and extends her hand, and I realize that she knows every ounce of my pathetic dating life (and is probably laughing on the inside) but I don't even know her name. I ask for it because I feel I at least have the right to know her name if not her sexual history. We shake and I exit Dave and Busters, pausing to say good luck to my new "friends" on the way out. I also notice at the sign in table that there have been not even 100 girls registered for today's casting session. That's about 10 times less than I thought there'd be...that's a good/scary thing.

3:23pm - The inner analyzation of the interview starts (and will probably continue for 4-6 weeks). Did the fact that she told me the filming dates and asked if I could take time off mean I have a shot? I didn't hear them ask any other girls that...or did I?

6:45pm - After the bus ride back to downtown Philadelphia, getting caught in the rain, and a delish chicken carbonara sub at Quiznos (note to self, these will need to cease if chosen as a semi-finalist), I am hastily ushered onto a bus to New York (I hope) by a high strung Chinese woman. Realize that I must scream "walk of shame" with wet hair now in a messy ponytail, my high heels in one hand, and (promotional) carnation flowers in the other. Perhaps this whole experience was just one big walk/bus ride of shame from Manhattan to Philadelphia trying to find love, but every now and then those can lead to real relationships...right?


Stay tuned...

If heaven were a bar...

123 Burger Shot Beer
Hell's Kitchen
738 10th Avenue (b/w 50th and 51st Streets)
New York, NY 10019
646-833-0575
www.123burgershotbeer.com/

First let's just lay out the obvious: the name translates to $1 burger sliders, $2 shots, and $3 beers. And there's no catch. Awesome! Put all of that into what can best be described as a "trendy sportsbar" atmosphere with fun music and I have died and gone to bar heaven. Of course there are restrictions, but for the most part the gimmick rings true and makes for one hella fun (and cheap!) night. Even at a peak time on Saturday night we were able to get a table at which to enjoy our treats. But far from deserted, 123 was still brimming with a lively but breathable crowd. Our waitress was helpful and friendly, and I'm confident enough in my sexuality to admit that she looked damn good in her uniform booty shorts. Yah, 123 has a slight Hooters thing going on in that area, but think more sporty-hot girls next door than blonde silicone bimbos. Come with friends and indulge in glorious $30 beer towers and $45 burger platters to maximize your glutton buck. Or go at them alone, I don't judge.
Rating: 4.5 stars

Unapologetically TMTH

Danny Noriega is def in my top 5 favorite American Idol contestants of all-time, but unfortunately some people weren't lllli-king it and he was voted off just shy of the top 12 of season 7. Well the world just got a whole lot fiercer because he's back with an original song and video "24/7" that is campy and ferocious and not apologizing for it. This song is so going to be my jam for the rest of summer and if you know me, you know I am not even kidding. It's perfect because Danny is just being himself and giving us what we want. He knows why he has this 15 minutes to work with and he is capitalizing on it with his signature catch phrase "TMTH" (too much to handle) and just-bitchy-enough references/digs to Idol. He even got Kara to guest star as this "Diamonique" girl! (Wait, you mean actually that's NOT her showing off her "singing" skills and being an annoying fame whore?) Plus I think we all love a combination between tweener IM abbreviations and references to buying drinks from people who are not old enough to do so.

Okay, so the lyrics to this song are a hot mess, but it doesn't matter! "24/7" is seriously catchy and totes danceable with the beat alone. And this video with neon light effects and an ample amount of hair flips is the perfect compliment to a pure pop/dance anthem. Plus he gives good face. Danny is one fierce bitch and he knows it, so don't hate on this genius.

Oh, and don't even make the Adam Lambert comparison, they are so not the same.

Deep thoughts on reality TV

Ponder this: In ten years, will the kids from Jon and Kate Plus 8 qualify as child stars? Because you know there's no way they're all going to turn out normal. Even without the "fame", growing up in that kind of family they still have a 50/50 chance of having serious issues and needing extensive therapy. Add the paps, divorce dramz, and never knowing what life is like without a camera crew present and you have at least one coke-whore and drug lord in that group (my predictions are Alexis and Collin). I've often wondered and tried to picture what the kids will look and act like when they're in their teens, and since there's a 0% chance that Jon and Kate's marriage or this reality show will last that long I figure the "child stars all grown up" documentaries are my only way of keeping tabs on the +8. So I sure hope that they'll qualify as child stars!

By the way, the new season of Jon and Kate is simply amazing, so worth watching for the not-so-subtle digs and the blatantly crumbling marriage. Great success for something that was supposed to be an innocent family show! Good job pickin that one, TLC.

When in Vegas...

My taste in movies is very sophisticated, so therefore I have been looking forward to The Hangover more than is respectable to admit. The Hangover tells the story of a Vegas bachelor party gone wrong where 4 guys get totally wasted, lose the groom the day before the wedding, and have to figure out what actually happened on their wild night that no one can remember...shocker. There are babies, tigers, Jagermeister, and strippers involved so obviously this movie is groundbreaking in its comedic stylings.

Truth be told though, it actually is surprisingly different than most other typical guy comedies. Though the situations that the characters experience are very over-the-top and outrageous, it somehow always feels realistic (well, somewhat) and never treads on slapstick territory. I attribute this to the casting choices in The Hangover which are far removed from the usual rotating group of Apatow/"Frat Pack" guys who would seem to be shoo-ins. With the predictable cast of Owen Wilson, Paul Rudd, and Will Farrel, this movie would take an entirely different and in my opinion less effective vibe. Casting less recognizable actors and relative newcomers to the big screen like Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis brought a different and more subdued acting style to what could have been a very typical movie.

Not to mention the fact that Bradley Cooper brings a level of sexiness that Will Farrel couldn't dream of matching even with the best 70's stash. I highly doubt this was the desired effect of the director, but I just about died when B-Coops walked out in the black suit. I really need to tap that. And shirtless scenes are never a bad thing. If casting a ridiculously hot guy (again, a very atypical casting choice for this genre of film) and adding several subtle melt-worthy moments were actually a discrete plan to engage the female audience who were dragged to The Hangover with their boyfriends then cudos, producers, well played.

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Mix my Vegas/Bradley Cooper fetish in with the great one-liners and quirky scenarios that this movie brings and you have me in the palm of your hand. I think guys will agree too, but obvi for very different reasons. Overall, it's def a hit.

Who-the-eff Rehab?

The cast of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew season 3 was just announced, and now more than ever before I think we need to look up "celebrity" in the dictionary. And no, urbandictionary.com does not count. Pick up the book version, readin' is power y'all! But my standards are gutter-low, so if I don't consider these people celebrities there is no chance in hell that anyone else is going to.

If your only claim to fame is a reality show, you should not be going on another reality show that has "celebrity" in the title. You are not a celebrity. I'm not talking about the Stephen Baldwins of the world who have a famous family, did one lousy movie ten years ago, or appeared in 80's Tiger Beat centerfolds. Stephen is more of a celebrity than this year's hot mess rehab-ers could ever dream of being. I'm talking to you, Joey Kovar and Lisa D'Amato. (Ugh, why did I even waste the energy typing their last names? Nobody knows these losers...) Joey was the guido on The Real World: Hollywood (worst season EVER) for a hot sec before leaving to go into rehab. Guess that didn't work out so much. Lisa was a reject from cycle 5 of America's Next Top Model who got drunk and talked to trees (interpret it as you may). That was 7 seasons ago! Survey says: irrelevant!

But I really shouldn't be making fun of people who are struggling with addiction or the reality shows that exploit them. That's not nice. Oh, who am I kidding. If they put this crap on basic cable they are just asking for it!