Liveblogging: The Real Housewives of NJ premiere

9:00pm - Will The Real Housewives of New Jersey be as good sans-Danielle? Probs not, but we're about to find out...
9:02pm - We meet Melissa, Theresa's sister-in-law who is possibly more of a guidette than Theresa. Aaaand drama already...
9:04pm - Wow, seems like all these women ever do is go to Christenings and fight...
9:06pm - Theresa is admitting to being broke...kinda. Joe's fulltime profession is now the pizzeria. Priceless.
9:09pm - Albie and Chris are getting their own (surprisingly normal sized) apartment. That is one bachelor pad I def wouldn't mind visiting ;)
9:11pm - Did Jacqueline get a nosejob? Something looks different...just sayin
9:13pm - Ugh okay Lizzie Grubman would NOT be comforting a crying intern (Ashley) if the cameras weren't around!! #unrealistic
9:19pm - So Ashley is crying about...her own lateness to her internship? And her parents not paying for an apartment? Wahhh...
9:22pm - Theresa and her brother are fighting because he didn't come to her book signing and she doesn't like his wife. Cue introduction package...
9:24pm - New Real Housewife Melissa says she's expected to be a "cook in the kitchen, lady in the parlor, and whore in the bedroom". Classy.
9:29pm - Kathy is the other new Housewife - Theresa's cousin. And she's friends with Melissa. Cue quotes about the importance of "blood family".
9:30pm - Melissa has amazing fashion sense...pink latex and white feathers. So on trend...
9:32pm - Between Kathy and Melissa does anyone on this show not see it as their mission to constantly cook for their family?
9:35pm - I don't get the Manzos' "Cajun Voice". I miss The Ham Game...
9:45pm - And now Melissa had the nerve to steal Theresa's hairdresser?! That's like taking Ramona's pinot grigio.
9:48pm - Ugh not only is Joe walking around shirtless but now Theresa is talking about them having the runs. Vom.
9:50pm - Can someone please change their name to something other than Joe or Guissepe? I'm so lost...
9:52pm - Not going to the church for a Christening is apparently a major snub. Seriously, Theresa, that's pretty bad. Religion etiquette on #RHONJ
9:57pm - Audriana is rocking a Royal Wedding quality hat at the Christening. Fierce lil lady!
10:06pm - Chris Manzo is quitting the Brownstone?!? #EndOfAnEra
10:10pm - I don't like Melissa...but Theresa isn't exactly in the right so far tonight either.
10:14pm - Fist fight at a Christening! Amazing! I was worried about #RHONJ without Danielle but this is good.
10:18pm - Okay I like Kathy!! Good head on her shoulders looking out for the kids!
10:21pm - I've seriously lost track of what's going on. The Joes have been fighting for like a full 5 mins and death threats have been made. Scary.
10:25pm - To add to the confusion, now we're all screaming in Italian and repeatedly saying "You're my father!" Awkward to even watch at this point.
10:28pm - Wait that's it for tonight? Just previews for the season that include Melissa in some latex BritBrit getup. Loves it!
10:30pm - Loved live blogging this premiere! Now watching the replay to fully comprehend what just happened...and hopefully figure out all the Joes.

Not the red leather pants again...

Joining the race for the Best Song by a Reality Star Grammy Award (no, there isn't actually such a thing...settle down, Kathy Griffin) is Simon Van Kempen from The Real Housewives of New York. All songs by reality stars are pretty special, but there are several things that make Simon's "I Am Real" particularly amazing:

The use of great vocab words like "duality" and "preen".

Mentioning "Twitter" in songs always equals musical credibility...

..as does stealing your wife's bad catch phrases ("thug in a cocktail dress").

Simon looks like a scary German WWE wrestler in the picture.

The lyrics flash on the screen during the video! Just like Sesame Street! Actually, we really do need the written lyrics to decipher the combination of Simon's bad singing and annoyingly pretentious accent.

Lastly, "I Am Real" has one of the most poignant concepts for a celebrity - especially a reality star - to sing about: self-importance! Loves it!

Wrong?

I'm pretty sure this goes against all laws of nature, but since all dogs are boys and all cats are girls I suppose it works on some level. On New Year's Eve, Giggy and Grandma Wrinkles got married. This video should be really cute but is actually pretty disturbing.

Gig, really?!? You can do so much better. Grandma Wrinkles is like the cat equivalent of Ma on Ma's Roadhouse, and Giggy is one hot piece and a certified "sex monster". Don't date down.


If you don't know who Giggy and Grandma Wrinkles are (and if not, seriously, why are you reading this blog?), Giggy is Lisa's balding-but-cute dog from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Grandma is Dina's ugly hairless cat from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Giggy was also the winner of Best Reality Pet at Cosmo Radio's 2010 Reality Re-Cap Awards because uh HELLOOOO he's amazing.

The kids are back

Oh no...

Those were my exact words when I found out that the Babelgum kids (famous for their Jersey Shore re-make among others) had re-made The Real Housweives of New Jersey. Nothing good can come of this...except for everything good. Like is that seriously a boy playing Caroline? Good casting?



http://wwwbabelgum.com/5007094/kids-reenact-real-housewives-nj.html

Bi-polar much, Danielle?

Wtf? Isn't this Danielle's good friend Danny who she needed so badly to protect her at the Brownstone? How quickly the tides turn in this crazy lady's head. To be fair they probably both have a bit of crazy in them, but to go from needing someone to protect you to calling them a "celebrity stalker" is juuuuust a bit of a 180. YOU kept inviting him out, crazy bitch!

It's a shame, I used to really like Danielle and just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her everything was going to be okay. Clearly I was wrong.

Update: This is NOT Danielle's Brownstone bodyguard, that's Danny Provenzano. HOW MANY EX-CON FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE?!?

Danielle Staub’s past has come back to
haunt her and now the police are involved, RadarOnline.com has
learned exclusively. Danny Aguilar, a convicted felon who was once charged as
Staub’s co-defendant, called the Real Housewives of New Jersey star on Sunday
night demanding $100,000 he says she still owes him for bailing her out years
ago with some big time drug dealers.

Aguilar told RadarOnline.com “My money got her out of trouble with these
drug dealers. They wanted her dead and I didn’t want them to kill her. I paid
for it. We all got popped, everyone went to jail and she snitched.” Staub was
arrested in Miami in 1986 along with Aguilar for extortion and intent to
distribute cocaine. Staub entered into a plea bargain with prosecutors and
agreed to testify against Aguilar and others in exchange for five years
probation and mandatory cocaine testing. Aguliar went to prison.

Aguilar told RadarOnline.com in an exclusive interview that his
conversation with Staub on Sunday night quickly turned ugly, with Staub calling
Aguilar a “celebrity stalker.” She threatened to sue him for defamation of
character. Aguilar says he told Staub “I’m the ‘Real McCoy, I’m the one that did
15 years in a federal penitentiary over you. I’m no stalker.”

Staub contacted police, RadarOnline.com learned. And 15 minutes after they
hung up the phone, Aguilar claims a detective from the Wayne, NJ police
department called him and told him stalking is a crime in New
Jersey.

Manzo Matchmaker

The Manzo brothers, Albie and Chris, will be among the "millionaires" being match-made by Patti Stanger on the upcoming season of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. The boys of course gained fame as Caroline's wisecracking sons on fellow Bravo show The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Season 4 of Millionaire Matchmaker is set to take place in New York City.

Over the past month or so casting calls for female daters for MM4 have been popping up left and right and creating quite the excitement among Manhattan's single women. I've been actively ignoring these castings because I'm saving myself for The Bachelor, but I may have to make an exception if it would mean a shot at dating a Manzo brother. The Manzos are looking for "brunette, Italian, Catholic girls" (me=no, no, yes!), but I still think I'm a great match for them. One out of three ain't bad right? Plus my family knows about The Ham Game and thinks it's hilarious, so I really think everything will just gel with me and Albie and/or Chris. I don't even care that they're not technically millionaires on their own merit, I'd make the perfect wife to the eventual car wash/strip club moguls. And seriously, they are pretty cute. Don't judge me.

The Ham Game: brought to you by the Manzos

The new season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has been pretty blah thus far, but one moment from this week's episode made me laugh so uncontrollably that it hurt as I watched this clip over and over. It felt good.


I'm not quite sure what the objective of The Ham Game is, but it seems like you just throw ham at each other and try to do it when the other person doesn't expect it. The game itself made me lol a lot, but Caroline's reaction was even better. She gets scarily fired up and says things that make no sense such as "There's nothing RESPONSIBLE about The Ham Game." There's nothing responsible about most games, but isn't that why we play them?

I'm seriously worried that if I play The Ham Game around Caroline that she'll hire someone to tie me up and throw me in the Hudson.

Observations from the Jerz

Here's the hot topics that came from last night's season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey:

-Dina is slowly becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. Why does she now not have any family members in the background of her title slide? What happened to her daughter Lexi? I mean, can't they just throw a bigass picture of Grandma Wrinkles (cat, not family member) up in there? Grandma Wrinkles and her new pussy Ladybug got about 15 minutes of airtime last night, but Dina's people family was nowhere to be seen. Also, Ladybug is possibly even more "special looking" than Grandma Wrinkles.

-When are we going to see The Real Housepets of Bravo? Seriously this is a great idea. I could watch Ginger, Grandma Wrinkles, and Kim's wig all day.

-Caroline's daughter Lauren has a new boyfriend, Vito. Obviously she is dating a guy named Vito, and it should come as no surprise that he's her brother Albie's best friend. That's just how it happens in Jersey, now Chris just has to date Vito's sister.

-Caroline's husband Albert lost a lot of weight and apparently got all hot and stuff. It's obvious that they're now having a ton of sex which kinda grosses me out.

-Danielle and her new bff Kim D are scary together. These bitches will literally cut you.

-Yet Kim seems to be a traitor, making nice with the Manzos and saying she's not all that close with Danielle. Did I miss something or is Kim going to be a new Housewife? Homegirl is working her camera time.

-According to Teresa, you need to marry a Jewish guy but then make him 180 cans of Italian tomato sauce per year. But not when you're on your period. Her daughter Gia is grossed out, not because of periods or crushing tomatoes, but because she doesn't want to marry a Jewish guy.

-This season better get more interesting. Fast.

Real Housewife reveals her "Secrets" at party in LES

One of New York's most famous yentas is spilling her secrets in a new book, and this time her whole family is getting in on the act. Last night I attended the book party for Secrets of a Jewish Mother by Real Housewife Jill Zarin, her mother Gloria Kamen, and sister Lisa Wexler (released tomorrow, April 15). The party was held at Zarin Fabrics in the Lower East Side and most of the usual suspects were in attendance: Bobby and Ally Zarin, Ramona Singer, Kelly Bensimon, the Countess LuAnn des Lesseps. No Bethenny in case anyone thought there was a smidgen of a change she'd be there. Also noticeably absent, much to my dismay, was Ginger! Other guests included Jersey Housewife Caroline Manzo (who is surprisingly prettier in person) with daughter Lauren, and new NY Housewife Jennifer Gilbert who seemed to fit into the group quite well.

The setting of a red carpet event in a fabric store was slightly cramped and awkward, but somewhat made sense given the family values of the book (not to mention the dollars saved on a venue fee). Another nice touch were the Jill, Gloria, and Lisa themed specialty cocktails with X Rated liquor, but I stuck with the personal bottles of Pop Champagne drank through a straw which obvi makes it very classy. I got a short preview of the book when meeting Jill at work a month ago and loved the familiar, direct, heartwarming voice and sage advice. Secrets of a Jewish Mother is released tomorrow and I can't wait to read the whole thing. Mazel, Jill!

Dina's Big Fat Jersey Trash Wedding

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Oh. My. God. Little did we know Dina Manzo (yes, THAT Dina of The Real Housewives of New Jersey) has been exploiting herself on trash TV for quite some time. Behold a 2007 episode of VH1's My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding which coincidentally aired this afternoon, in the height of Housewives mania. Dina and Tommy's wedding had over 600 guests and was held at The Brownstone, obvi. This video speaks for itself and is absolutely worth the 20 minutes it takes to watch, but some highlights include Dina claiming that she wants a huge ass cake with turtles and balls on it, having a meltdown over the wedding song and not being introduced properly at the reception, and buying an ugly-ass $10,000 wedding dress. Which is actually pretty damn cheap considering that the wedding in total cost over 1.1 million dollars, including $350,000 on flowers alone. To put that in perspective, the national average for wedding costs is $27,000, and I'm pretty sure my hick cousins did theirs for under $3000.

Of course Caroline also makes an appearance because remember, this is Dina's wedding to Caroline's husband's brother. They're not just sisters, they're sisters married to brothers. VH1 should have realized that this was pure genius and signed these hot messes to an exclusive contract before Bravo got their hands on them. Someone is so getting fired when they realize this.

Team Danielle!

All anyone's been able to talk about this week has been The Real Housewives of New Jersey and the Table-Flip Heard Round The World. Last night part 2 of the finale "The Last Supper/Director's Cut" aired, and while I didn't find it as enjoyable as the original (being that you knew exactly what was coming), there were some highlights. From a communication student POV, I thought the 4-way split screens that showed a moment from every camera angle at the same time were a fascinating way to simultaneously experience everyone's reaction to drama such as The Book taking its rightful place at the dinner table [above]. It really made you feel like you were there, and thus made me physically duck to avoid flying red wine. I also really enjoyed the bar scene at the end that was left out of the original finale. The fact that Danielle actually stayed for drinks with the other Housewives and their families with minimal dramz shows that deep down they all must be able to tolerate each other more than the original edit led on.

Which brings me to the part where I want to stick up for Danielle. Yes, she has a past, the extent of which we will probably never know the 100% truth. But does it really matter? As Danielle herself points out, it was 25 years ago. People DO change. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet Danielle and chat for a bit, and coincidentally it was the day before her past started to break big time in the news media. She alluded to embarrassing events that were about to be leaked as much as was allowed by contract, and she came right out and said that it was going to be ugly. However, she came across as very genuine, someone who has truly grown into a caring woman and loving mother. She admitted the fact that she has made some mistakes that she is embarrassed by but has moved away from. And though she is a very strong and tough woman, she seemed genuinely hurt by the people who have wronged and betrayed her, past and present. She was someone that I would want in my company and as a friend, which is much more than I can say about someone like Dina who constantly talks shit about people and I'm pretty sure is still lying about revealing The Book. So despite any of her questionable decisions and sexual shenanigans, I am soooooo Team Danielle. Now all we need is for Bravo to make the t-shirts.