Old Lady thoughts on "Bachelor In Paradise"

Bachelor In Paradise has started its second season of shenanigans, and so far these crazy kids are not disappointing. So as an official "old lady" according to the "I" sisters, this is my Old Lady perspective:

• Let's just start there: The "I" Sisters (virgin Ashley from Chris's season and her slutty tag-along younger sister Lauren). They say some pretty horrible things. As a 30-year-old, I am apparently an old lady, and apparently all old single women are desperate so they just get really drunk and throw themselves at younger men. Or at least this is what I gathered over two different conversations during the two-night premiere. However horrible half of the things that come out of their mouths may be, the other half are along the lines of "make your ponytail more Ariana" which are nuggets that just make my life.
• Speaking of nuggets...always McDonald's nuggets (to settle Ashley I and Jared's deep debate).
• The opening credit sequence is the stuff campy reality TV dreams are made of. If memory serves, the Bachelor franchise really has never had an opening sequence or music at all. So to go from zero to cheesy staged turns toward the camera, popping out of vases, and 70's sitcom font is turning it up a whole bunch of notches and I love it!
• This after show....doing a new show concept live is not an easy thing so I'll withhold full judgment for now. But it needs to be 30 minutes. See examples of after-shows for The Challenge, Party Down South, and pretty much every other reality show that's ever had an after show. And most of those are taped.
• Clare continues to talk to animals, and this season it's a crab in one of her roommates' beds. That's not a euphemism. And seriously, do crabs really walk sideways like that?!

It's now past 10pm on the East Coast so this old lady needs to go to bed.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays AND Mondays at 8pm ET/7pm CT on ABC. Or something like that. It's so many hours of TV to watch....

Liveblogging: The Bachelorette premiere

Ashley H is back with a sexy new hair cut/color and 25 sexy men! Am I jels? Yes. Am I excited for this new season of The Bachelorette? Yes. Is red wine currently in my hand? Hells yes!

Btw, I'm taking a bit of a lax approach to this liveblog because I really want to drink enjoy the premiere. I'll mostly be re-capping during the commercials.

9:09pm - The first segment went to commercial really abruptly, but basically we learned that there's some major potential for douchebaggery this season and Ashley may get her heart broken. So in other words it's going to be a fun season to watch. We also learn that Ashley is so smokin hawt during some b-roll of her teaching a dance class in a mid-rif top!

9:22pm - We just saw the package where we get background information/sob stories about some of the guys. My early favorite by far is William! So hot and just a good mid-western boy. All around mostly hot and fairly nice-seeming except for the lawyer from N'Awlins and Bentley!

9:32pm - Just Ashley and Chris H talkin. But we have confirmation that Bentley is a douche! Never trust anyone named after a car. And just from everything Ashley is saying about her past experience I'm liking her more and more. So much more than Ali!

9:57pm - All the guys have exited the limo. There are so many who are so super cute and sweet! I'm not even going to attempt names at this point (except for William!), but I really like the guy with the camera, pretty much anyone who was from the mid-west (seriously, the Ohio and Michigan guys were killing it!), the winemaker, and the guy who worked with solar thingeys. There were def 3 or 4 guys who I could already peg as going home tonight. And mask guy! Total Phantom of the Opera creeper!

10:10pm - Ooooooh snap it's about to go down between Tim The Drunk and Jeff The Phantom of the Opera!

10:23pm - Tim got drunk, could barely form a sentence during his one on one time with Ashley, and then passed out on a lounge by the pool. Loves Tim! Seriously, as long as he didn't puke on me I would give him a rose. He gets a chance. As long as he doesn't get this drunk on a date again, at least you know he's a good time!

10:52pm - I'm not okay with the following gentlemen being sent home: the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. Or rather: the butcher, the guy from Michigan with the spikey hair (Rob?), and the tall guy with the cool purple and pink tie (Jon?). In my book, a cool tie is as good of a reason as any to keep a guy in the first round. You can tell a lot more from his tie than his name, career, and hometown. Really now, let's not pretend that we actually know more than that about these guys yet.

Liveblogging: The Bachelor finale!

Team Chantal! Well, actually I don't like either of the final two ladies all that much, but I'm def not Team Emily. Really I'm Team Michelle to become The Bachelorette! Here we go...

8:01pm - Boring recap package... Time to load up on snacks and drinks!

8:05pm - In case you somehow missed it, we're in South Africa. Brad's family has flown out to help him pick a lady, and it is so touching how emotional Brad gets when he sees them. He's such a good ole' boy!

8:07pm - After a very long and dramatic pause, Brad reveals that he is 100% considering proposing to someone at the end of this whole process. Well...yah, I think we already knew that didn't we?

8:10pm - Doorbell rings and Chantal arrives. And wait, one of the brothers is Brad's twin?!? They so don't look it. And the other one is younger?!? They're both married though, chillax ladies.

8:14pm - Okay, maybe they do look more alike than I realized. Brad's hotter though. But really, Brad's Mom, you named your sons Brad and Chad?

8:17pm - Chantal is definitely hitting it off with Brad's family, but I guess it's pretty easy to do so when you keep talking about how amazing he is and how much you want to marry him. And she's definitely ready for marriage...just ask her.

8:23pm - Ugh after not hearing it for two weeks I almost forgot how annoying Emily's baby voice was. "Hiiiii..." Her turn to meet the fam.

8:27pm - So Emily tells her sob story, obvi. And hearing the way she tells this story I'm still just not convinced that she's emotionally over her ex and ready to fully give herself to someone else.

8:32pm - Brad's family seems to be totally captivated by Emily and her sob story difficult past. I'm getting worried that she's going to get the sympathy win which pisses me off because I've never seen her and Brad connect on anything other than her situation and her daughter. Who is EMILY, and aside from being the Southern Ken and Barbie how do her and Brad connect as people? Hmmm?

8:39pm - The editing in the conversation between Brad and his mother made it so hard to know who they were talking about at any given moment. She likes Emily better but feels more comfortable around Chantal? Whattt? But the fam is def Team Emily.

8:46pm - For their date, Brad and Chantal are going swimming with sharks. Totes safe. Why do so many dates on this show have to involve the girl being scared and crying?

8:57pm - Chantal presents Brad a present of...a handmade map with all the places they've been labeled? Wow, I didn't realize 5th grade social studies projects were good gifts for the guy by whom you want to be proposed to.

9:05pm - Emily's final date involves a helicopter ride and amazing views. How original for this show!

9:14pm - Why is Emily giving Brad such a hard time about being ready to be a father? Brad is freakin 37 years old and shows every quality of being a great dad. Give a brotha a break.

9:25pm - Brad stares out the window iof his suite in South Africa and contemplates the two women. He's so conflicted! Gosh this is so hard!

9:28pm - Brad knows what woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with! Now it's time to pick out an outrageously expensive but comped engagement ring. And he picks a good one.

9:32pm - The girls are writing in journals and staring longingly into space while touching voiceovers play. Now they're dressing for the big night. Kinda symbolic that Chantal is wearing a vixen-esque black dress with feathers and Emily is wearing angelic white? Pathetic that I'm thinking about symbolism within The Bachelor?

9:40pm - Chantal is up first to talk to Brad, which based on Brad saying he had to do something very difficult probably means she's getting dumped.

9:42pm - "I have stronger feelings for someone else...." Annnnnd cue tears.

9:46pm - The hangy ribbon thing is totally sticking out of Chantal's dress on her left side. AND she just got dumped. All on national television. Poor gal, I was really gunning for her.

9:57pm - Brad is so cute stammering through his proposal speech. Such a great guy. Totes jels.

9:59pm - So many "I love yous" being exchanged. So many kisses. Such a happy ending for the Southern Barbie and Ken. A little too perfect and predictable of story arch for the season that it ended this way, but I can't deny that this is a touching moment. They're so damn happy it's sickening.

10:01pm - But now who's going to be the next Bachelorette? I was actually pretty sure it was going to be Emily (though that would have been such a boring season). We shall find out TONIGHT on Jimmy Kimmel. I'm so stating up late for this. It's like a little kid waiting up for Santa.

Live Blogging: The Bachelorette

I miss Kirk... :*(

8:00pm - Tonight is slated to have yet another dose of scandal...can't wait!

8:03pm - Butttt first they're going to make us sit through introspective commentary and flashbacks of how all the guys are falling sooooo in love with Ali. I love watching the same clips for the thousandth time.

8:07pm - Frank admits he may still be in love with his ex, but is also falling in love with Ali. So he just has to confont Nicole the ex about his feelings. Cue the commercial, the drama has officially started!

8:11pm - Frank admits he hasn't talked to Nicole in months, but thinks she still may have feelings for him too. Who did the dumping in this situation? Oh the mystery!

8:15pm - Frank is talking to Nicole, who was apparently shattered when Frank left her. Frank admits he would think about Nicole and not Ali as he fell asleep at night. This conversation is intense and there are a lot of awkward silences.

8:18pm - Frank and Nicole are nuzzeling foreheads. Nicole says she can't live without Frank, and apparently he can't live without her either because he says she's the one he wants to be with forever. Now he just needs to fly to Tahiti and tell Ali. SO MUCH DRAMA! But seriously, Frank, that was a quick decision...

8:24pm - In all the Frank drama I almost forgot...this is fantasy suite week!! Thank you for reminding me, Ali. Let the Tahitian sexin begin!

8:26pm - Roberto has the first date, and they're going on a helicopter tour. Wtf is up with the abnormal amount of helicopters this season? This is seriously like the 4th or 5th heli-date. Lame.

8:29pm - Now they're having a picnic and frolicking on a heart-shaped island. Vomit. They're def gettin it on later.

8:40pm - They're at dinner and Roberto is having trouble expressing his emotions, but finally tells Ali that he's falling in love with her. The card from Chris Harrison arrived and Roberto acts all surprised to find a key inside. Well played, sir. Annnnnd they're off to the fantasy suite because Ali "doesn't want to lose a minute of time with him."

8:47pm - Next up is Chris L. And they're going on a boat motha fuckas.

8:51pm - Now they have to swim over to another island for the second part of their date? No thanks, I'd be staying on the motha fuckin boat.

8:52pm - Oh, by "swim" they meant "Ali straddles Chris while he walks over to the island".

8:54pm - Now they're finding pearls, which is actually pretty cool...until Ali uses the pearls as a metaphor for their relationship. Again, lame.

8:58pm - Ugh, Ali's tie dye tunic top is horrific. Fashion Fail!

9:02pm - Chris also opened up with his emotions during dinner. I mean, you pretty much have to at this point to stay in the game. And off to the fantasy suite they go!

9:04pm - Chris L said the L word! Not even just "falling in love", his direct quote was "God I love you!" He's def gettin laid now.

9:10pm - Frank arrives in Tahiti to tell Ali his decision. But first he's going to talk to Chris Harrison. This is going to be an intense 15-20 minutes. Lots of sighing and awkward silences.

9:13pm - You can so tell Chris Harrison wants to punch Frank in the face.

9:22pm - Now Frank and Ali are finally having their talk. This is super hard to watch.

9:27pm - They're both crying. Ali can't understand why Frank didn't bring up Nicole sooner. I mean, duh. It's obviously not a great situation for Ali, but I think Frank handled this as best as he could.

9:30pm - Ali is really upset. But I can't tell whether she's truly upset about losing a shot at love with Frank, or just upset that she got dumped.

9:34pm - Ali, stop mentioning how you gave up your freakin job to be here. No one cares. You say Frank is being selfish, but you're being just as selfish be holding the whole "quitting your job" thing over everyone's heads.

9:47pm - Nothing is really happening...except for my level of "like" for Ali going down and down...

9:56pm - So since Ali has two roses and two guys left they each get one, but she wants to make a big to-do about making sure they're accepting the roses with their whole hearts and fully committing to her. Foreverrrrrrrrr.

10:00pm - "The Men Tell All" next week. Always a good time. There were some serious crazies this season and I can't wait to hear what they have to say.

Live Blogging: The Bachelorette

It's GirlfriendGate 2010 (as opposed to GirlfriendGate 2009 which ended in an impromptu drunk country song). Let the lies begin!

8:02pm - So we're with Ali and the boys in Turkey this week, which is actually pretty cool.

8:03pm - Ali says she's so happy and "nothing can go wrong"...and then Chris Harrison knocks on her hotel door. Which is never a good thing.

8:09pm - That was intense. The producers got a call from former Bachelor contestant Jessie, who was friends with Ali and now apparently wants to get herself remembered before going on Bachelor Pad. (She was the Chris N of Jake's season.) Ali calls Jessie, and Jessie drops the bomb that Justin has a girlfriend and that she's sitting with her right now. Double bomb. Conveniently cameras were there to tape Jessie's side of the call. Cue girlfriend-Jessica sobbing into the phone that Justin told her he was going on the show to further his wrestling career, he would get to the top 3, get famous, make $, and come back and marry her. But Jessica just found out that Justin has ANOTHER secret girlfriend. Triple bomb! So Justin was cheating on Ali with Jessica, and cheating on Jessica with another hoe. Needless to say, Justin and Rated R now both need plane tickets back to Canada.

8:17pm - Ali and Chris H go to the guys suite where Ali makes a speech and just starts slamming Justin. She actually gets pretty snarky, I like it. Justin denies that he has a girlfriend and walks out of the hotel. Ali and the cameras are chasing him. Homeboy won't talk. It's a good thing Rated R got his cast off because it looks like he's about to walk all the way back to Canada. Ali just keeps shouting "You're gonna regret this."

8:22pm - Now Justin is now coming back to talk. He's finally admitting he's not into Ali, but denying any scheming.

8:24pm - Ali is Team Pissed and pulling the "I gave up everything for love and you did THIS" card. It's the most real I've seen her act all season.

8:26pm - As Justin literally walks out of the show for good, they're playing lovey voicemails that Justin has left for Jessica while being away. It's actually a really poetic moment of showcasing the two personas that Justin and Rated R showed the world. Cudos, editors.

8:31pm - Poor Craig R. He has a terrible namesake, he's easily the least good looking guy left, and he still didn't get his much desired (and needed) one on one date. Ty got it instead, but he also hasn't has a one on one so I can't call injustice.

8:34pm - They're at some kind of Turkish spa........no, bathhouse! Ow ow! Ali is wearing a spa outfit made out of a table cloth, and they're both wearing really weird sandals. Not sexy.

8:37pm - The group date card comes and Craig R's name is on it, which means that Frank is getting a second one on one. So NOW I am calling injustice. Meanwhile Ali and Ty are rubbing each other down and basically having sex in the bathhouse, which is okay because I think that's what bathhouses are historically for.

8:45pm - Ty's foot is so in his mouth. Part of the downfall of his previous marriage was not being able to accept that his wife worked full time. He's saying this to Ali of all people (we all know his history), but then seams to have an "oh shit" moment and totally backtracks by saying he learned and from it and has changed. So awkward...

8:49pm - ...but he gets the rose and they're dancing in the streets of Istanbul. Though Ali still has "concerns".

8:59pm - The group date involves "olive oil wrestling" vs professionals to compete for alone time. Ironic considering "The Wrestler" just got ousted. Watching this is just plain uncomfortable.

9:01pm - So the guys compete against each other and somehow Craig R wins and will get alone time with Ali. Good for him, all is now fair in love and olive oil wrestling.

9:11pm - During Craig R's one on one time there are literally fireworks...in the city of Istanbul. Watching Craig and Ali though is pretty boring, but so is this episode since GirlfriendGate 2010 ended.

9:21pm - Frank and Ali are at a market. Frank is making me lol a lot about pistachios and silly hats. Loves him.

9:23pm - They just bought a fucking carpet. They are officially an old married couple. This episode just got a whole lot funnier in the last five minutes.

9:29pm - THERE WAS JUST A COMMERCIAL FOR BACHELOR PAD!! Excited.

9:30pm - The carpet is now officially the third wheel on this date. I feel for ya, carpet.

9:34pm - They get all deep in conversation while dining in the middle of this pool or something like that. I have no idea what's going on, but Frank and the carpet get a rose.

9:45pm - Ali already knows who she wants to eliminate and there will be no cocktail party. Nunca. Right to the rose ceremony.

9:47pm - So this means Craig R is totes gone, right? Most of Ali's decisions have had a direct correlation to looks. (except for the unceremonious elimination of Jesse, sigh...)

9:53pm - Rose ceremony time. Annnnnd we have Roberto, Chris L, and...

9:54pm - Kirk. So Craig R is going home. The eliminations this season have been too damn predictable to keep the show interesting.

10:00pm - Coming up on The Bachelorette: major dramz. And then during the credits they show a blooper clip of Ty doing the "Risky Business" slide in costume while playing guitar and singing what seems to be "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". The unlimited supply of alcohol is getting to these guys, they now think they're on Rock of Love Bus.

Live Blogging: The Bachelorette

Live blogging is back bitches! American Idol got lame so I decided to kick it up a notch with a totally not lame show: The Bachelorette. You know what else is totally "not" lame? Ali wearing Converse with a ballgown.

This blog post is brought to you by Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon. And by "brought to you by" I mean I'm drinking a lot of it.

8:01pm - Kirk has a big secret to reveal tonight. Ali is so smitten with him I really don't think much could be a deal breaker at this point. It's probably lame anyway.

8:04pm - Finally a 2 on 1 date this week! Loves it! And they have to compete for the 1 on 1 date by writing a love poem. Maybe someone will get real original and play the guitar too...

8:06pm - Poetry + Icelandic phrases + these morons = awkward

8:11pm - Kasey says "guard and protect her heart". Haven't heard that one before...

8:14pm - Poor Chris N. This guy has got the short end of the stick all season and then majorly bombed his poem.

8:16pm - Kirk gets the 1 on 1. Sex to commence in...10 minutes.

8:22pm - Ali and Kirk are shopping for Icelandic fashions including man-shrugs. Omg they just bought MATCHING sweaters. Nothing good can come of that. Nunca.

8:26pm - Kasey and Rated R are going on the 2 on 1 date! The producers are doing an especially good job at evil/entertaining predicaments this year.

8:30pm - I officially apologize for questioning the validity of Kirk's secret. I am an asshole. He had major health problems 5 years ago after living in an asbestos filled shitty college house.

8:33pm - Ali thinks it's inspiring and all that. Obvi. And "inspiring" = rose.

8:37pm - Kasey has gone off the deep end even more. He got the tattoo to "be a man". He's a Kasey Kale: dreamer, a believer, he loves to love and loves to give. That monologue was inspiring.

8:41pm - So there are ponies involved on the group date? Fill in your own sexual metaphor.

8:43pm - Now there are caves involved. Fill in the sexual blank.

8:44pm - Justin got his cast removed. It was "one small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R". His words, I couldn't make up something that cheesy if I tried.

8:54pm - Ali conveniently has a bikini on under her snowsuit. Because that's normal. Sexy times in the hot spring.

8:57pm - Frank is freaking out over not having time with Ali. But not doing anything about it. Homeboy is probably the most insecure 31-year-old man I've ever seen.

9:01pm - "It's like the Beauty and the Beast rooooose!" Has Ali never seen a rose before? Because last time I checked she has given or received over a dozen roses in the past year. The group date rose goes to...Cowboy Ty.

9:10pm - There's a helicopter involved for the third time this season on the 2 on 1 date. Please don't let Krazy Kasey in for fear of another amazing helicopter love song. They're flying over the erupting volcano that changed the world back in April. Actually this could make for a pretty entertaining Kasey song...

9:19pm - I really don't see Ali connecting with Rated R, but then again he isn't being a douche bag and screwing it up either. This 2 on 1 could go either way.

9:20pm - "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Well, he's not really capable of that so my money's now on Rated R ftw.

9:22pm - Omg I just seriously used "ftw" in a sentence. Self respect=0. AND HERE COMES KASEY'S TATTOO REVEAL!!! Surprisingly Ali doesn't seem that freaked out. Wtf?

9:24pm - Justin gets the rose. Maybe she was more freaked out by the tat than she let on. She's pulling the whole "you're going to make some other girl so happy" breakup speech. Annnnnd Kasey is left on the side of a volcano. Way harsher than Robby being left on the side of the train track during B'lette: Jillian.

9:27pm - According to Justin there were actually two roses given. I think he's going to make a bad tattoo joke, but then he says "one to Justin, and one to Rated R". Oh dear. I thought we just eliminated the Krazy one.

9:32pm - So I'm just thinking...We've NEVER seen Chris N get one on one time with Ali. His defining moment of the season was his awkward poem earlier tonight. Is he just not very interesting on camera after edits, or are he and Ali really not spending time together? If homeboy doesn't have a major breakthrough tonight he has to be eliminated, right?

9:35pm - Craig R made a joke magic market tattoo. Gotta love the last ditch efforts.

9:37pm - Chris N finally gets his moment! Yet has no personality other than claiming his ex said he was "funny" and he likes Mexican food. Def husband material.

9:40pm - Ugh Roberto's hot, we get it.

9:44pm - Brief pause while I open another bottle of 2 3 Buck Chuck. Don't judge, there were only 2.5 glasses left in the first one.

9:47pm - Oh snap, Chris Harrison! He thinks Ali may be afraid to let herself fall in love and said it to her face. Could be. CH is the man.

9:54pm - Rose ceremony time bitches! And Kirk is wearing the matching sweater. Darling. He, Rated R, and Ty already have roses. The rest go to...

9:56pm - ......Frank, Chris L, Roberto. Anyone surprised?

9:58pm - Craig R is in, Chris N is out. And thus ends another shocking edition of The Bachelorette: Ali tries to be Real. Ugh this chick really gets on my nerves. I think despite his unexplained love of Mexican food Chris N had some relationship potential. Kasey isn't here to bring the Krazy anymore, Rated R can walk, what do we have to look forward to?

10:00pm - Oh yah, of course they're going to Istanbul, Turkey! Hopefully someone will get high on hookah and do something dumb. Next week we find out that one of the boys has a girlfriend back home, Wes style. I've tried desperately to avoid spoilers so I'm guessing...Rated R? Guesses in the comments por favor.

"Bachelor Pad" cast delivers the crazy

Last week I mentioned the in-production reality show Bachelor Pad which will feature favorite Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants of the past year and 1/2 all time. The cast was revealed yesterday and they did not disappoint. I was literally cheering as I read down the list. Only 3 of my predictions made the cut, but that's okay because they brought some crazy that I didn't even remember like Man-Code David and Don't-Kiss-Me Elizabeth.

I didn't realize guys from Ali's season were eligible, but I welcome the inclusion of rivals Jonathan The Weatherman and certified crazy person Craig M, and especially the hotness that is Jesse! Jesse and Kiptyn need to have an ab contest, I'll be glad to judge. The David/Juan rivalry should also be interesting to watch evolve, please don't be sallys and make up on the first day. My only complaint is Tenley. I like her as a person but she's not all that interesting, and frankly is killing her class level by doing this show. And we learned recently that money (there's a $250,000 prize) can't buy you class, sweetie.

Bachelor Pad will premiere August 9th, shortly after Ali tricks some poor sap into falling in love with her.

Why do people keep stealing my dream jobs?

Wannabe DeAnna Pappas Melissa Rycroft is slated to be the co-host of a new reality spin-off Bachelor Pad along with Chris Harrison. The show will feature standout former contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette living together in a mansion, competing in challenges and essentially having group orgies in the hot tub. Hosting this show would make me almost as happy as being on the show itself, so damn youuuu Melissa! Jealousy...

I've been hearing murmurs of this spin-off show for awhile and am glad it came to fruition. My perfect casting choices would include:

Wes, Jillian's season - "Everybody's gonna know his nameeeeeee." Total douche bag but he will do anything for fame so will probably see him here.

Michelle, Jake's season - Total crazypants cryer. Needs love and therapy badly.

Greg, DeAnna's season - Homeboy literally ripped off his shirt and howled at the moon after being eliminated in the first episode.

Kiptyn, Jillian's season - Just for some eye candy.

Shayne Lamas, Matt's season - Reality whore.

Roslyn, Jake's season - Even sluttier reality whore.

Bob Guiney, Trista's season and former Bachelor - Divorced and ready to mingle!

Channy, Jake's season - Asian chick who told Jake he could land his plane on his landing strip anytime. Eliminated in the first episode, obvi.

Jesse, DeAnna's season winner - Knows he's lucky to have any chance at talking to hot chicks. And always ready to party!

Go back to your home on Reality-Whore Island!

Tonight the much anticipated episode of The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love (couldn't resist typing the full title) aired where a contestant has an "inappropriate relationship with someone in the house". When the extended preview that teased this first started airing I totes thought there was going to be some lesbian action. However, ABC did a botch job of keeping the secret and within two days after last week's premiere the whole world knew that contestant Rozlyn Papa had an affair with a producer.

This really pissed me off because: 1) I HATE reality TV spoilers! 2) How could anyone disrespect the Bachelor process so badly, thus basically disrespecting love in general? And 3) It was so blah and predictable that the perpetrator was the most likely fame whore (and actual whore) in the house.

It didn't take much to see that beautiful yet blase model/make-up artist Rozlyn was only there for the cameras. I hope that she's not planning to add "actress" to her resume after her pathetic performance at being surprised or upset that she was being kicked out of the house. Homegirl could not have cared less, and if she truly was innocent as she has been claiming in recent interviews, I would think she would have fought a little harder to stay in the house and fight for LOVE...or at least another few episodes of air-time.

Fashion Week Diaries: Day 2

Cynthia Steffe show at The Tents. I must confess that I'm actually not as fabulous as I sometimes try to make myself out to be, and today I was reminded of that as I got my seat assignment for standing room. Blah to the ego, plus it's even more torture on the feet. I managed to get an upgrade to fourth row eventually, but it still hurt. Sitting front row were singer Ciara and Jillian Harris from The Bachelorette. No Ed in sight, but I'm happy to report that she was wearing her butt ugly engagement ring. I'm also happy to report that she is pretty! So some people need to stop the hating, Joel McHale, maybe sometimes homegirl just doesn't photograph well.

The clothes at Cynthia Steffe were amazing, very fun, flirty, and feminine. Lots of rompers which I love, and a decent portion of the looks were in pastel colors or featured this pastel abstract floral print that matched the paper that the invitations were printed on...loves it! The collection also included a section of glittery metallic looks including a to die for silver glittery fringed mini-skirt that would probably be TMTH for most people but I'm completely obsessed with.

I try not to focus too much on sad things, but I'd like to take a moment to say how breathtaking last night's WTC symbolic light beam display was. I live literally a block away from where the light beams originate (which is actually 3 blocks from Ground Zero) and had to stop in my tracks on my way home to appreciate their beauty. Yes I felt slightly awkward standing in the middle of the street staring, but I think too often New Yorkers don't take the time to stop and smell the roses.

Yes, I will accept this rose *insert tear*

As you can see, I don't oft write about my personal life in this blog. (Unless you would make the argument that television is pretty damn close to my personal life at this point, in which case I would not argue with you.) However, on Saturday I auditioned for The Bachelor in Philadelphia, so I hereby deem this experience as having enough journalistic integrity to blog about. I present you with a play-by-play of the day. Looking back it may have been a hell of a lot easier to just "tweet" as this were happening, but then I would have completely lost all respect for myself and that's not good.


Saturday, June 13, 2009
6:00am - Wake up, shower, attempt fierce hair and outfit. Flip flops for now, heels and makeup will come later. It's too damn early.

7:40am - Arrive in Chinatown at bus stop. If I'm going to be enough of a crazy person to travel to Philly to attend a cattle call for a reality show, I'm at least going to do it on the cheap with the Chinatown Bus (got the NY->Phil bus for only $1!). I have a moment of "why the hell am I doing this?"

8:15am - The bus departs (fifteen minutes late), and I begin filling out my casting application that I printed from the ABC website. I don't even know if I need this thing, but if so I'm sure as hell going to put some thought into it.

8:50am - What the hell is my unique talent that I'm most proud of? And what does this have to do with whether I'd be a good contender for Bachelor X's love?

10:10am - Arrive in Philadelphia (almost on time) and find a McDonalds in which to grab an Egg McMuffin and apply my face.

11am - The McDonalds lady tells me that I look pretty as I'm wielding a mascara wand. This makes me feel confident (I think). Board local bus to mall slightly outside Philly where the casting will be taking place at a Dave and Busters.

12:30pm - Arrive at mall, and with only thirty minutes to go before the open call starts I am SHOCKED to see no 500-deep line of overly made-up girls . Decide to shop a lil instead of being one of the first to arrive and looking like a tool. Glance around H&M at other girls in cocktail dresses and heels trying to play it off like this is how they always dress for their lazy Saturday shopping.

1:02pm - Enter Dave and Busters and find the casting tucked into a banquet room in the back. A few dozen girls are here, some holding carnations. Did these bitches get chosen and get "roses" already? Dammit! Proceed to the check-in table and am asked to fill out an application (done and done bitches!) and sign a short waver.

1:05pm - Sit down at a table of several girls to begin waiting. Two options: sit in silence and awkwardly stare down the competition, or make awkward small talk. I choose small talk and open with a joke about signing our lives away on the waver. We all did, obvi. (The confessor admits that this waver actually wasn't that bad, suspects that a way harsh one comes later in the process.) Through small talk, I discover that one girl came from Boston and feel less crazy that I took a two-hour stinky bus from New York. I also (thankfully) learn that the carnations have nothing to do with the selection process but are rather promotional items from a cell phone company who are pimping themselves out at today's casting.

1:25pm - A twig-like girl who claims to be 26 but looks about 19 casually mentions that her manager advised her to get to this audition early. After her number is called to go into the interview room, another girl at the table turns to me and asks if she heard Twiggy correctly about being sent to the open call by a manager. I confirm, and we roll our eyes and share a good laugh. Girls continue to rotate in and out of the table as numbers are called and fresh meat arrives. It is around this time where I begin to share a bond with the girls at my table.

1:45pm - A woman with a microphone bearing the name of a local news radio station approaches during a one-on-one convo with my new table-mate claiming that we "seem talkative". New friend turns away leaving me as bait to this reporter. I answer her questions about the casting and my thoughts/intentions on the show. Genuinely caught off guard by a few questions. This girl is good.

1:55pm - Begin to wonder if there are hidden cameras/microphones anywhere on the table or in the room, any moles/spies among the applicants, or any other form of secret evaluation going on during this waiting period. The producers would be very smart to have done so.

2:00pm - A boy sits down at the table...and he's cute! All eyes perk up. The casting is open to "eligible men and women", but save for one dorky guy on the opposite side of the room this may as well be a clam bake. The producers present even admit that they're pretty sure they already have the next Bachelor chosen, but men are invited to give it a go. The attention and conversation at my table takes a noticeable shift in the penile direction.

2:15pm - The topic of conversation turns to what we think they're looking for. I comment that most of the girls here seem fairly down to earth with differing degrees of attractiveness, but there's a few that draw immediate attention because they are sooooooo put together. In my opinion, they're probably either shoo-ins or totally wrong for this show, but personally they're rubbing me the wrong way. I didn't mention any names (because duh I didn't know anyone's name!) but made a motion to an overly-giggly bleach blonde with a perfect fluffy side-ponytail and a red dress which could barely contain her (not that great) breasts. Yes ladies, the claws are coming out.

2:30pm - Finally my number is called and after they take a few snapshots (the PA on camera duty assured me that my eyes were open), I am instructed to sit at a new "on deck" table with about ten other girls. Suddenly exhausted from over an hour of small talk and so not feelin the girls at my new table (including the aforementioned "perfect" blonde and a few prototype Jersey girls), I shut down for a bit and turn to a discarded issue of US Weekly. Rough calculations show at least 30 more minutes of wait time, and Kate Gosselin's dramz is holding my attention more than this lot.

3:10pm - My turn for reals now! I am escorted into a back room and sat down for an on-camera, one-on-one interview with a producer, who is impressed that I brought a few computer-printed snapshots with my application. She gives me a clip-on microphone and begins the interview about my hobbies, family, and of course dating life including my lack of serious relationships, why I think I'm still single (way harsh), and why I want to find love on The Bachelor. I think my answers were okay (or at least I was being honest and felt pretty comfortable) but one never knows how she's really being perceived or again, what they're looking for. Find myself wondering (but not wanting to ask) whether I should be looking at the camera, my interviewer, or neither. I think/hope I finally settled on making eye contact with the producer.

3:20pm - Interview over, I'm standing doing a slow twirl so the camera can get a full body shot. Praying that I don't have VPL, but glad that I get to show off the gams. Twirling for the camera doesn't feel awkward or contrived at all *sarcasm*. The producer informs me that they'll be calling in about 4-6 weeks. In hindsight I realize I don't know if this means they'll call either way or only if I've made it past round 1, but let's just say that in mid-July I'll abandon my policy of not screening unknown numbers. She also says that filming will probably begin in mid-October lasting for a few months and asks if I'd be willing to take time off work. I stammer and say that I probably would, but that's a long way off to know where I'll be in life, ya know, recession and all. Must have started babbling because she kindly tells me that I don't need to give a firm answer right now. She says it was nice to meet me and extends her hand, and I realize that she knows every ounce of my pathetic dating life (and is probably laughing on the inside) but I don't even know her name. I ask for it because I feel I at least have the right to know her name if not her sexual history. We shake and I exit Dave and Busters, pausing to say good luck to my new "friends" on the way out. I also notice at the sign in table that there have been not even 100 girls registered for today's casting session. That's about 10 times less than I thought there'd be...that's a good/scary thing.

3:23pm - The inner analyzation of the interview starts (and will probably continue for 4-6 weeks). Did the fact that she told me the filming dates and asked if I could take time off mean I have a shot? I didn't hear them ask any other girls that...or did I?

6:45pm - After the bus ride back to downtown Philadelphia, getting caught in the rain, and a delish chicken carbonara sub at Quiznos (note to self, these will need to cease if chosen as a semi-finalist), I am hastily ushered onto a bus to New York (I hope) by a high strung Chinese woman. Realize that I must scream "walk of shame" with wet hair now in a messy ponytail, my high heels in one hand, and (promotional) carnation flowers in the other. Perhaps this whole experience was just one big walk/bus ride of shame from Manhattan to Philadelphia trying to find love, but every now and then those can lead to real relationships...right?


Stay tuned...

Almost vom-worthy...but not quite

Just when I was about to go vom from the maple syrup that was the Gossip Girl season finale, they saved it in the last 4 minutes. Thank goodness because I was thisclose to throwing in the towel and giving up on the third season where coincidentally most of the main characters are still going to be in Manhattan, shocker. They threw in just the right amount of dramatic cliff hangers to make up for the rest of the episode where we celebrated how much we love everyone and how important our high school friendships are. Give me a break, high school sucked and in real life most of these people would lose touch before Chuck can cheat on Blair with one of his college professors.

Now off to watch Jillian inevitably get her heart broken all over again on the season premiere of The Bachelorette. I kid, I actually really like Jillian and wish her the best, but we can't ignore the obvi. xoxo.