This blog post is brought to you by Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon. And by "brought to you by" I mean I'm drinking a lot of it.
8:01pm - Kirk has a big secret to reveal tonight. Ali is so smitten with him I really don't think much could be a deal breaker at this point. It's probably lame anyway.
8:04pm - Finally a 2 on 1 date this week! Loves it! And they have to compete for the 1 on 1 date by writing a love poem. Maybe someone will get real original and play the guitar too...
8:06pm - Poetry + Icelandic phrases + these morons = awkward
8:11pm - Kasey says "guard and protect her heart". Haven't heard that one before...
8:14pm - Poor Chris N. This guy has got the short end of the stick all season and then majorly bombed his poem.
8:16pm - Kirk gets the 1 on 1. Sex to commence in...10 minutes.
8:22pm - Ali and Kirk are shopping for Icelandic fashions including man-shrugs. Omg they just bought MATCHING sweaters. Nothing good can come of that. Nunca.
8:26pm - Kasey and Rated R are going on the 2 on 1 date! The producers are doing an especially good job at evil/entertaining predicaments this year.
8:30pm - I officially apologize for questioning the validity of Kirk's secret. I am an asshole. He had major health problems 5 years ago after living in an asbestos filled shitty college house.
8:33pm - Ali thinks it's inspiring and all that. Obvi. And "inspiring" = rose.
8:37pm - Kasey has gone off the deep end even more. He got the tattoo to "be a man". He's a Kasey Kale: dreamer, a believer, he loves to love and loves to give. That monologue was inspiring.
8:41pm - So there are ponies involved on the group date? Fill in your own sexual metaphor.
8:43pm - Now there are caves involved. Fill in the sexual blank.
8:44pm - Justin got his cast removed. It was "one small step for Justin, one giant leap for Rated R". His words, I couldn't make up something that cheesy if I tried.
8:54pm - Ali conveniently has a bikini on under her snowsuit. Because that's normal. Sexy times in the hot spring.
8:57pm - Frank is freaking out over not having time with Ali. But not doing anything about it. Homeboy is probably the most insecure 31-year-old man I've ever seen.
9:01pm - "It's like the Beauty and the Beast rooooose!" Has Ali never seen a rose before? Because last time I checked she has given or received over a dozen roses in the past year. The group date rose goes to...Cowboy Ty.
9:10pm - There's a helicopter involved for the third time this season on the 2 on 1 date. Please don't let Krazy Kasey in for fear of another amazing helicopter love song. They're flying over the erupting volcano that changed the world back in April. Actually this could make for a pretty entertaining Kasey song...
9:19pm - I really don't see Ali connecting with Rated R, but then again he isn't being a douche bag and screwing it up either. This 2 on 1 could go either way.
9:20pm - "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." Well, he's not really capable of that so my money's now on Rated R ftw.
9:22pm - Omg I just seriously used "ftw" in a sentence. Self respect=0. AND HERE COMES KASEY'S TATTOO REVEAL!!! Surprisingly Ali doesn't seem that freaked out. Wtf?
9:24pm - Justin gets the rose. Maybe she was more freaked out by the tat than she let on. She's pulling the whole "you're going to make some other girl so happy" breakup speech. Annnnnd Kasey is left on the side of a volcano. Way harsher than Robby being left on the side of the train track during B'lette: Jillian.
9:27pm - According to Justin there were actually two roses given. I think he's going to make a bad tattoo joke, but then he says "one to Justin, and one to Rated R". Oh dear. I thought we just eliminated the Krazy one.
9:32pm - So I'm just thinking...We've NEVER seen Chris N get one on one time with Ali. His defining moment of the season was his awkward poem earlier tonight. Is he just not very interesting on camera after edits, or are he and Ali really not spending time together? If homeboy doesn't have a major breakthrough tonight he has to be eliminated, right?
9:35pm - Craig R made a joke magic market tattoo. Gotta love the last ditch efforts.
9:37pm - Chris N finally gets his moment! Yet has no personality other than claiming his ex said he was "funny" and he likes Mexican food. Def husband material.
9:40pm - Ugh Roberto's hot, we get it.
9:44pm - Brief pause while I open another bottle of 2 3 Buck Chuck. Don't judge, there were only 2.5 glasses left in the first one.
9:47pm - Oh snap, Chris Harrison! He thinks Ali may be afraid to let herself fall in love and said it to her face. Could be. CH is the man.
9:54pm - Rose ceremony time bitches! And Kirk is wearing the matching sweater. Darling. He, Rated R, and Ty already have roses. The rest go to...
9:56pm - ......Frank, Chris L, Roberto. Anyone surprised?
9:58pm - Craig R is in, Chris N is out. And thus ends another shocking edition of The Bachelorette: Ali tries to be Real. Ugh this chick really gets on my nerves. I think despite his unexplained love of Mexican food Chris N had some relationship potential. Kasey isn't here to bring the Krazy anymore, Rated R can walk, what do we have to look forward to?
10:00pm - Oh yah, of course they're going to Istanbul, Turkey! Hopefully someone will get high on hookah and do something dumb. Next week we find out that one of the boys has a girlfriend back home, Wes style. I've tried desperately to avoid spoilers so I'm guessing...Rated R? Guesses in the comments por favor.
3 comments:
omg Kasey's voice! he needs to go to voice rehab!
Oh good ole Ejklsdjfwile;vnmelkjs'sergj, my favorite friend from Europe. I'm glad someone enjoyed his presence.
I'm so loving your Bachlorette commentary and cannot wait until you come down to Philly in July!!
And my recaptcha was efers, which I also love.
My guess as well....Entertainment Wrestler = Ulterior Motive. Obvi.
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