Liveblogging: Bachelor Pad premiere

My computer screen is jacked up which makes it very hard to see what I'm writing, so my apologies if this blog is as incoherent as Kasey's speech patterns. Happy Bachelor Pad premiere everyone!

8:03pm - Rated R standing in front of a graffiti wall with a pulled up hoodie...so is he a white rapper now or something? Also soooo excited for Michelle Money to be here!

8:09pm - "Take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka"?! Wow, I forgot how poetic Kasey can be. That's a quote that needs to be set to music. Shit I hope I'm not giving him any ideas.

8:10pm - Jake for biggest reality whore of the year? I didn't even know networks let you be on two shows at once. (this and Famous Foods)

8:17pm - Who the eff is Erica Rose? Are we sure she isn't actually Devorah Rose from High Society?

8:19pm - Ugh moms should not be going on Bachelor Pad, ELLA! Irresponsible parenting! Sob story or not, good mothers do not go on the smuttiest of reality shows. This rule does not apply to Michelle Money because she's unapologetic about her entertainment value and I loves it!

8:29pm - If Holly was going to kill a muppet to wear as a skirt, couldn't she have at least skinned enough fur off of it to cover her Miss Piggy?

8:35pm - I love how much of a horn dog Blake is being this season! Maybe actually showing some personality will keep him around a bit longer this time.

8:42pm - Rated R jumps on my muppet pun bandwagon. Nice! And agreed, Kasey and Vienna are vom-worthy.

8:45pm - According to Holly, Blake "uses pretty big words which is reallllly attractive." This girl is quickly becoming my favorite person to make fun of. She makes it so easy!

8:47pm - Kirk seems to have gotten uglier which is a shame because I had a pretty big crush on him. At least William is here to bring some hotness! There's a lot of blonde guys on this season which is weird but awesome for eye candy (so my type). Plus blondes have more fun which is better for TV. Obvs.

8:55pm - Jake's cheesy fake-surprised facial expression when meeting Kasey was the best thing I've seen in my life. Proof that reality TV is real because clearly these people can't act.

8:59pm - Jake pulls Kasey aside for a Man Talk to try to clear the Vienna-filled air, and I really wish I could understand what Kasey was saying because I bet it would be pretty dramatic.

9:09pm - Ames and Jackie: first new couple in the house to get a little makey-outey. Good job, Ames! Way to step it up and be a man!

9:11pm - So their first challenge (yah, they do those between having romps in the fantasy suite) is to be suspended in a harness in what's totally a sex position, and hold onto each other for as long as possible.

9:15pm - Holly would rather be drinking, so she lets herself fall. Just had to point that out. Priceless. Mature.

9:24pm - Vienna is so considerate of her boyfriend's health and well being. His leg and back are cramping with intolerable pain, she yells at him because Jake might get immunity. Supportive. Jake wins.

9:28pm - Vienna is a horrible person! But I guess we knew that already. In the hot tub (obviously) she continues to rip him a new one for not winning the challenge and fighting with her on camera. Isn't she actually picking the fight? It seems like their "strategy" coming into the house was to just win every challenge, but how is that a sound strategy? Eventually there would be a challenge about being a decent human being or making responsible decisions with tattoos, and clearly you wouldn't win those.

9:39pm - Rated R is actually (for once) using his lying powers for good after pretending to be in "the main alliance", but secretly being a swing vote. I applaud that, I've watched enough Challenge type shows to know that if you're on the outskirts of the big alliance you will get screwed.

9:43pm - This effing show is going until 11:00 tonight? Didn't plan for this and my computer battery is about to die. Time out. Recharge!

10:54pm - Bachelor Pad may be one of the best shows on TV, but three hours is a bit much even for the most riveting mindless trash. Alliances were formed and broken and secretly formed, and eventually we were left with Rated R and Alli being voted off because they were wishy-washy sneaky bitches. Alli can go as far as I care, but losing Rated R this early is a travesty in the reality world! Like, totes more tragic than the stock market crashing today. Rated R being gone decreases America's level of being entertained and that is not cool.

Proving once again that dorks are hot

Um, hello? Neville Longbottom got hot!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 had their New York premiere on Monday, and the majority of the British cast crossed the ocean to walk the red carpet. I've never been shy about my love for Daniel Radcliffe, but I think he's been ousted from the top of my Hogwarts crush list. Behold Matthew Lewis who plays dorky and sometimes daft Neville Longbottom. Holy hell did he go through a transformation. He's practically unrecognizable from the awkward kid who started the series ten years ago...though in the later films I started to see that he was possibly not completely tragic in the looks department. Now at age 22, Matthew Lewis looked dapper and sexy on Monday's red carpet (not to mention that he now has about ten inches in height on Radcliffe). Hollywood watch out, this guy has leading man potential!

The Edge of Glory video...not so edgy

The (relatively) subdued music video for Lady Gaga's "The Edge of Glory" hit the web today, and I'm kinda underwhelmed. No Jesus biker gangs? No alien births? No prison lesbians making out? This video under any other name would be a pretty cool video, but we've come to expect such shock value from the Lady. Maybe the restraint is what makes it shocking? Either way, I still love this bitch.

Although, is anyone else getting major Rent vibes from this video? Even a touch of Brooklyn: The Musical?

My tummy is excited

At least two Potbellys (-ies?) are set to open in Manhattan in the coming months. Or "soon-ish" as the window of the soon-to-be Rockefeller Center concourse location boasts. The other location I've spotted is on Maiden Lane in the 2 Gold building retail strip, making it perfect for me to have one Potbelly by my office and one by my home. Clearly Potbelly's corporate offices have no consideration for my own growing potbelly.

Admittedly I've never actually had a Potbelly sandwich, but my friends in Washington D.C. and Chicago rave about them so much that I can almost vicariously taste the deliciousness through their descriptions. And I cannot wait to have another option for yummy carb-filled comfort lunches.

Liveblogging: The Bachelorette premiere

Ashley H is back with a sexy new hair cut/color and 25 sexy men! Am I jels? Yes. Am I excited for this new season of The Bachelorette? Yes. Is red wine currently in my hand? Hells yes!

Btw, I'm taking a bit of a lax approach to this liveblog because I really want to drink enjoy the premiere. I'll mostly be re-capping during the commercials.

9:09pm - The first segment went to commercial really abruptly, but basically we learned that there's some major potential for douchebaggery this season and Ashley may get her heart broken. So in other words it's going to be a fun season to watch. We also learn that Ashley is so smokin hawt during some b-roll of her teaching a dance class in a mid-rif top!

9:22pm - We just saw the package where we get background information/sob stories about some of the guys. My early favorite by far is William! So hot and just a good mid-western boy. All around mostly hot and fairly nice-seeming except for the lawyer from N'Awlins and Bentley!

9:32pm - Just Ashley and Chris H talkin. But we have confirmation that Bentley is a douche! Never trust anyone named after a car. And just from everything Ashley is saying about her past experience I'm liking her more and more. So much more than Ali!

9:57pm - All the guys have exited the limo. There are so many who are so super cute and sweet! I'm not even going to attempt names at this point (except for William!), but I really like the guy with the camera, pretty much anyone who was from the mid-west (seriously, the Ohio and Michigan guys were killing it!), the winemaker, and the guy who worked with solar thingeys. There were def 3 or 4 guys who I could already peg as going home tonight. And mask guy! Total Phantom of the Opera creeper!

10:10pm - Ooooooh snap it's about to go down between Tim The Drunk and Jeff The Phantom of the Opera!

10:23pm - Tim got drunk, could barely form a sentence during his one on one time with Ashley, and then passed out on a lounge by the pool. Loves Tim! Seriously, as long as he didn't puke on me I would give him a rose. He gets a chance. As long as he doesn't get this drunk on a date again, at least you know he's a good time!

10:52pm - I'm not okay with the following gentlemen being sent home: the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. Or rather: the butcher, the guy from Michigan with the spikey hair (Rob?), and the tall guy with the cool purple and pink tie (Jon?). In my book, a cool tie is as good of a reason as any to keep a guy in the first round. You can tell a lot more from his tie than his name, career, and hometown. Really now, let's not pretend that we actually know more than that about these guys yet.

Liveblogging: The Real Housewives of NJ premiere

9:00pm - Will The Real Housewives of New Jersey be as good sans-Danielle? Probs not, but we're about to find out...
9:02pm - We meet Melissa, Theresa's sister-in-law who is possibly more of a guidette than Theresa. Aaaand drama already...
9:04pm - Wow, seems like all these women ever do is go to Christenings and fight...
9:06pm - Theresa is admitting to being broke...kinda. Joe's fulltime profession is now the pizzeria. Priceless.
9:09pm - Albie and Chris are getting their own (surprisingly normal sized) apartment. That is one bachelor pad I def wouldn't mind visiting ;)
9:11pm - Did Jacqueline get a nosejob? Something looks different...just sayin
9:13pm - Ugh okay Lizzie Grubman would NOT be comforting a crying intern (Ashley) if the cameras weren't around!! #unrealistic
9:19pm - So Ashley is crying about...her own lateness to her internship? And her parents not paying for an apartment? Wahhh...
9:22pm - Theresa and her brother are fighting because he didn't come to her book signing and she doesn't like his wife. Cue introduction package...
9:24pm - New Real Housewife Melissa says she's expected to be a "cook in the kitchen, lady in the parlor, and whore in the bedroom". Classy.
9:29pm - Kathy is the other new Housewife - Theresa's cousin. And she's friends with Melissa. Cue quotes about the importance of "blood family".
9:30pm - Melissa has amazing fashion sense...pink latex and white feathers. So on trend...
9:32pm - Between Kathy and Melissa does anyone on this show not see it as their mission to constantly cook for their family?
9:35pm - I don't get the Manzos' "Cajun Voice". I miss The Ham Game...
9:45pm - And now Melissa had the nerve to steal Theresa's hairdresser?! That's like taking Ramona's pinot grigio.
9:48pm - Ugh not only is Joe walking around shirtless but now Theresa is talking about them having the runs. Vom.
9:50pm - Can someone please change their name to something other than Joe or Guissepe? I'm so lost...
9:52pm - Not going to the church for a Christening is apparently a major snub. Seriously, Theresa, that's pretty bad. Religion etiquette on #RHONJ
9:57pm - Audriana is rocking a Royal Wedding quality hat at the Christening. Fierce lil lady!
10:06pm - Chris Manzo is quitting the Brownstone?!? #EndOfAnEra
10:10pm - I don't like Melissa...but Theresa isn't exactly in the right so far tonight either.
10:14pm - Fist fight at a Christening! Amazing! I was worried about #RHONJ without Danielle but this is good.
10:18pm - Okay I like Kathy!! Good head on her shoulders looking out for the kids!
10:21pm - I've seriously lost track of what's going on. The Joes have been fighting for like a full 5 mins and death threats have been made. Scary.
10:25pm - To add to the confusion, now we're all screaming in Italian and repeatedly saying "You're my father!" Awkward to even watch at this point.
10:28pm - Wait that's it for tonight? Just previews for the season that include Melissa in some latex BritBrit getup. Loves it!
10:30pm - Loved live blogging this premiere! Now watching the replay to fully comprehend what just happened...and hopefully figure out all the Joes.

Not the red leather pants again...

Joining the race for the Best Song by a Reality Star Grammy Award (no, there isn't actually such a thing...settle down, Kathy Griffin) is Simon Van Kempen from The Real Housewives of New York. All songs by reality stars are pretty special, but there are several things that make Simon's "I Am Real" particularly amazing:

The use of great vocab words like "duality" and "preen".

Mentioning "Twitter" in songs always equals musical credibility...

..as does stealing your wife's bad catch phrases ("thug in a cocktail dress").

Simon looks like a scary German WWE wrestler in the picture.

The lyrics flash on the screen during the video! Just like Sesame Street! Actually, we really do need the written lyrics to decipher the combination of Simon's bad singing and annoyingly pretentious accent.

Lastly, "I Am Real" has one of the most poignant concepts for a celebrity - especially a reality star - to sing about: self-importance! Loves it!