Liveblogging: Bachelor Pad premiere

My computer screen is jacked up which makes it very hard to see what I'm writing, so my apologies if this blog is as incoherent as Kasey's speech patterns. Happy Bachelor Pad premiere everyone!

8:03pm - Rated R standing in front of a graffiti wall with a pulled up hoodie...so is he a white rapper now or something? Also soooo excited for Michelle Money to be here!

8:09pm - "Take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka"?! Wow, I forgot how poetic Kasey can be. That's a quote that needs to be set to music. Shit I hope I'm not giving him any ideas.

8:10pm - Jake for biggest reality whore of the year? I didn't even know networks let you be on two shows at once. (this and Famous Foods)

8:17pm - Who the eff is Erica Rose? Are we sure she isn't actually Devorah Rose from High Society?

8:19pm - Ugh moms should not be going on Bachelor Pad, ELLA! Irresponsible parenting! Sob story or not, good mothers do not go on the smuttiest of reality shows. This rule does not apply to Michelle Money because she's unapologetic about her entertainment value and I loves it!

8:29pm - If Holly was going to kill a muppet to wear as a skirt, couldn't she have at least skinned enough fur off of it to cover her Miss Piggy?

8:35pm - I love how much of a horn dog Blake is being this season! Maybe actually showing some personality will keep him around a bit longer this time.

8:42pm - Rated R jumps on my muppet pun bandwagon. Nice! And agreed, Kasey and Vienna are vom-worthy.

8:45pm - According to Holly, Blake "uses pretty big words which is reallllly attractive." This girl is quickly becoming my favorite person to make fun of. She makes it so easy!

8:47pm - Kirk seems to have gotten uglier which is a shame because I had a pretty big crush on him. At least William is here to bring some hotness! There's a lot of blonde guys on this season which is weird but awesome for eye candy (so my type). Plus blondes have more fun which is better for TV. Obvs.

8:55pm - Jake's cheesy fake-surprised facial expression when meeting Kasey was the best thing I've seen in my life. Proof that reality TV is real because clearly these people can't act.

8:59pm - Jake pulls Kasey aside for a Man Talk to try to clear the Vienna-filled air, and I really wish I could understand what Kasey was saying because I bet it would be pretty dramatic.

9:09pm - Ames and Jackie: first new couple in the house to get a little makey-outey. Good job, Ames! Way to step it up and be a man!

9:11pm - So their first challenge (yah, they do those between having romps in the fantasy suite) is to be suspended in a harness in what's totally a sex position, and hold onto each other for as long as possible.

9:15pm - Holly would rather be drinking, so she lets herself fall. Just had to point that out. Priceless. Mature.

9:24pm - Vienna is so considerate of her boyfriend's health and well being. His leg and back are cramping with intolerable pain, she yells at him because Jake might get immunity. Supportive. Jake wins.

9:28pm - Vienna is a horrible person! But I guess we knew that already. In the hot tub (obviously) she continues to rip him a new one for not winning the challenge and fighting with her on camera. Isn't she actually picking the fight? It seems like their "strategy" coming into the house was to just win every challenge, but how is that a sound strategy? Eventually there would be a challenge about being a decent human being or making responsible decisions with tattoos, and clearly you wouldn't win those.

9:39pm - Rated R is actually (for once) using his lying powers for good after pretending to be in "the main alliance", but secretly being a swing vote. I applaud that, I've watched enough Challenge type shows to know that if you're on the outskirts of the big alliance you will get screwed.

9:43pm - This effing show is going until 11:00 tonight? Didn't plan for this and my computer battery is about to die. Time out. Recharge!

10:54pm - Bachelor Pad may be one of the best shows on TV, but three hours is a bit much even for the most riveting mindless trash. Alliances were formed and broken and secretly formed, and eventually we were left with Rated R and Alli being voted off because they were wishy-washy sneaky bitches. Alli can go as far as I care, but losing Rated R this early is a travesty in the reality world! Like, totes more tragic than the stock market crashing today. Rated R being gone decreases America's level of being entertained and that is not cool.

Live Blogging: Bachelor Pad

This post is brought to you by the modern day Shakespeare...only better and cuter. Thanks to Gia for the insight, she will be missed.

8:02pm - Wow, Shakespeare is already using sophisticated phrases of poetry like "blowing smoke up each other's asses". Great use of figurative language!

8:06pm - The kids receive a package with anonymous surveys that they must feel out about each other with amazing questions like "who is the dumbest". Just when I think the challenges cannot get any better THIS happens. I can't wait for the tears to start in 5, 4...

8:09pm - I got strangely excited during the promo for the announcement of the Dancing with the Stars cast. This makes me question my own standards.

8:12pm - Now they all have to guess the results of the survey and get points for correct guesses. Genius.

8:14pm - Elizabeth won "most shallow", but doesn't consider herself shallow OR know what it means.

8:16pm - And Natalie picked herself for "dumbest" which actually shows she's kinda smart, yet STILL gets is wrong. Gwen was voted the dumbest, really? Tenley gets a winning point by correctly guessing this but cannot live with winning the game for calling someone dumb. Can't we just agree all these ladies are equally the dumbest and call it a day?

8:23pm - Omg the crying needs to stop. According to the poll, Natalie will never get married which upsets her greatly (I thought she'd welcome the lifetime of random sex), Wes is a jerk AND can't do simple logic or math, and the girls have a collective secret crush on Dave?!? Ew.

8:26pm - Elizabeth was voted "worst boob job" which was the last question to determine the winners of Tenley and Jesse B. The winners get to have one on one dates this time around which means more sex, and Elizabeth thinks she and Kovacs are on the chopping block and starts what is sure to be an epic make-up-less ugly-cry confessional. Stay tuned for the waterworks, bitches!

8:32pm - Natalie is breaking down obvi, but actually having an intelligent breakthrough about the way she's perceived. You know what, maybe Natalie is really not all that dumb! Elizabeth though is completely shattered that she has a bad boob job. Is this news to her? Does the house not have mirrors?

8:43pm - Ugh I am not going to be able to stomach watching this date b/w Tenley and Kiptyn. T's voice, laugh, and general personality are beyond annoying. Brief pause for food and then promptly losing it...

8:53pm - Jesse B picks Peyton for his one on one date. Which is very chivalrous considering they've already shacked up in the fantasy suite...and everything that goes along with it. I'm happy for them, possibly because Jesse B is by far the hottest guy in the house and my roommates said that of all the girls in the house that I'm most like Peyton. Let me live vicariously through this...

8:55pm - Meanwhile kittens are singing and bunnies are smiling on Tenley and Kiptyn's date.

8:59pm - Omg they're actually going to the fantasy suite...and the doors are closing! I seriously thought Tenley would reject the offer and have a nervous breakdown over the implications. Slut.

9:04pm - I actually really like Tenley's dress (the black strapless with the gold waist). And it totally pains me to say that.

9:11pm - Peyton and Jesse B are totally a perfect redneck couple who will go to state fairs, ear corn dogs, and bet on the pig races. Loves it! Also loves that she's now getting him drunk on martinis, which he's never had before. Get it gurl!

9:17pm - Only now the redneck has gone to a bad level of burping and pouring vodka in champagne. Dude, be classy and respect the champagne. Peyton is not feeling it. Maybe no sexin tonight?

9:20pm - NO SEXIN! Peyton denied the fantasy suite. No sex on Bachelor Pad is a first, this feels weird.

9:40pm - The past 20 minutes have been filled with boring strategy talk and DWTS announcements, but there's finally something relevant to report because voting has begun and Gwen has horrible extensions in.

9:46pm - Kiptyn is being a pussy. He can't vote Gwen off because she hasn't done anything to him and he'd feel bad. Does homeboy know this is a GAME? Does he have balls? Tenley, confirm or deny?

9:56pm - Rose ceremony. Krisily and Wes are going home, and Krisily is going off! Well said lady, people in this house are shady, have no balls, and the couples are annoying as hell. I'm going to miss Shakespeare dearly as well.

Live Blogging: Bachelor Pad

Usually I enjoy a fine glass of 3 Buck Chuck Cab Sav while writing these live blogs, but judging from the previews Bachelor Pad doesn't warrant that kind of class. So Bud Light it is. So excited for this debacle!

8:02pm - Season preview time! Omg if Wes and Gia get together hell will probably freeze over. Homeboy deserves zero happiness.

8:04pm - Wes on crazy Michelle: "If you hook up with her you probably have to worry about her chopping your thang off in the middle of the night." Okay, that quote totally made me like him again...almost.

8:07pm - Omg if Tenley giggles one more time... Yay for Jesse B lookin totally bangable! Back off Natalie.

8:08pm - It's hilarious that Gwen from season 2's age is "??". Actually she looks great. Maybe...37?

8:10pm - So apparently Nikki and Juan dated or banged or something like that. Why is that awkward? Haven't they all banged each other already? If not they will by the end of episode 2.

8:15pm - Elizabeth as a blonde = thumbs down. Not everyone can be blonde and fabulous biotch!

8:20pm - Craig M is totally channeling R-Pats with his hair. Plus I can see his nips through his shirt. And obvi The Weatherman is not haps.

8:27pm - So Chris Harrison tears the kids away from their mimosas for a second to explain the rules. There will be challenges, and the winner gets a rose. They can give that rose to someone and ask them out on a date. Then each week the guys must vote off a girl and the girls must vote off a guy. Or something like that. Oh yah, and Melissa Rycroft is here.

8:28pm - They're all staying in the same room in bunkbeds. That's pretty awesome.

8:30pm - The girls get together and decide they want to get rid of Craig M first. I fully support that decision, but somehow feel it's not going to be quite that easy...

8:35pm - Ohhhhh the winner of the challenge gets to go on 3 dates! Wrap it up kids. The first challenge is Twister...creative.

8:37pm - Omg Tenley mixed up her left and right feet and was eliminated from Twister. Priceless.

8:39pm - Apparently no one knows their left from their right. Pathetic.

8:40pm - Jessie (girl) also doesn't know her left from her right and Craig M wins. Are we sure they're not fixing this shit?

8:42pm - Ugh okay it's not 3 dates it's 1 date with 3 people. And then Craig gives one girl a rose at the end of the date and makes her safe from elimination. My brain is starting to hurt from the rules of this show and that's not right. Craig and Jessie made a pact they they'd choose each other no matter who won so she's in. Now it looks like the rest of the girls are gonna slut it up to get chosen for the date even though Craig is slimy.

8:51pm - Sex noisesssssss!

8:56pm - Back from the commercial, and the investigation begins: who hooked up last night? Everyone seems to think it's Michelle and Craig, but Michelle is on the deny campaign.

8:58pm - Craig's choices for his date are Jessie, Gwen (nice move inviting the old hot chick, Craig), and Elizabeth (so Craig can win her over since she's leading the anti-Craig campaign).

9:02pm - Craig and the ladies are on a beach date...but nothing interesting is happening other than Elizabeth being a manipulative lil slut.

9:08pm - Natalie is like totally obsessed with Jesse B. That's disappointing. Sadly I think he's actually genuinely reciprocating and not just using her for booty or votes.

9:11pm - So Melissa Rycroft appears and says Craig needs to give out his rose now, and then that girl is the only one who continues on the date where they get a private concert...a totally new date concept for The Bachelor. He chooses Jessie, and Elizabeth and Gwen get in the limo to go back to the house. The concert is by someone no one's ever heard of, who turns out to be the former lead singer of The Calling. Meanwhile in the limo, Elizabeth is team pissed about not getting the rose from a guy she doesn't even like. Great person.

9:20pm - Jesse K and Elizabeth kinda had a thing before this, but he's totally "dumping" her ass because apparently it's not smart to be attached to anyone in this game. Aka, he wants to be able to hook up with other chicks.

9:22pm - Elizabeth is totally bawling. This is awesome.

9:25pm - Michelle is still (rightfully?) mad that Tenley told people she bumped uglies with Craig, so she goes into the bathroom to talk to Tenley about it. This actually seems to me like the mature thing to do, but Tenley is sooooo scared because Michelle "locked her in the bathroom" and made her cry, a lot. Does being on Team Michelle in this situation make me a crazy person by association?

9:33pm - Krisily (?) wants to vote out the strong, "smart" guys like Jesse K and Dave. Natalie tells Dave this because they're "good friends" (she totes wants her Jesse B cake and wants to eat Dave too), and thus possibly turns the guys against Krisily. Meanwhile Elizabeth is totally in love with Jesse K and trying to talk him into some plan that involved them not talking to trick everyone into keeping them in the house.

9:42pm - Every person must individually cast a vote to kick off a member of the opposite sex. I strongly prefer this to them having to come to a team consensus. But Elizabeth is totally trying to rally the girls against the love of her life Jesse K now. Wtf?

9:45pm - Craig M just straight up lied to Michelle and told her he didn't vote for her. He totally did.

9:57pm - Juan and Michelle are auffed. A little crazy and a lot of drama just exited, and that's a shame this early in the game. Team Michelle!