Poise is like Herpes: Miss USA 2010

Tonight was the Celebrity Apprentice Reunion The Miss USA pageant brought to you by The Donald and friends. Miss Michigan Rima Fakih won the title and was my favorite for most of the pageant. She is gorgeous and one fierce biotch as proven by her dramatic swimwear walk, graceful recovery from a noticeable stumble, and poses for daysssss. I also was rooting for Rima, who is Lebanese American, because I don't believe we've ever seen a major national pageant queen of Middle-Eastern descent. However, perhaps that factor undeservedly propelled Rima to the title among a final five that was rounded out by blonde white girls. In my opinion, Rima blew it in the final question when she giggily claimed that of course health insurance should cover birth control pills because they're a "controlled substance", "can be costly", and even threw in a thought provoking "hi Mom". Several of the other ladies bombed their questions as well, and at that point the title should have easily gone to Miss Oklahoma who eloquently spoke on behalf of states' rights to make and enforce their own laws. Or it just should have been ME!

Now a few other moments that made this hot mess fun to watch:

"You can't buy poise. It's like Herpes: you either have it or you don't." - Joan Rivers during her backstage color commentary. Sounds like some white trash version of The Countess LuAnn de Lessepes's new song.

One contestant who was wearing a red evening gown with the midriff cut out described her dress as "red, sexy, and flowy...just like me." So you see yourself like a period?

Miss Virginia described her evening gown as "sophisticated in the front". The dress had a high neckline, but a slit right down the middle completely revealing her breasts. But I'll forgive this lack of judgment because she had the best hair in the competition.

Doing a choreographed dance to country music is awkward.

Host Curtis Stone blatantly wanting to sleep with basically every contestant. And his co-host Some Broadcast Chick constantly making awkward jokes about it. But it's okay because basically every contestant wanted to sleep with him too (and why wouldn't they?). One contestant even offered to cook her famous grilled cheese sandwich for him the morning after they you-know-what...

Hooray for Holly's World!

A few months ago the E! network aired a special called Holly's World which chronicled former Girl Next Door Holly Madison's life in Las Vegas while starring in the burlesque(?) show Peepshow. The episode showed Holly rehearsing for the show, lounging by the pool, and lobbying the mayor to help fix Vegas's traffic problem. I got confused at the time when there was only one episode in what looked to be a promising reality show, and I guess E! knew that blondes everywhere were scratching their heads because it's now turning into a series. Holly's World will officially premiere June 13th at 10:30pm (right after Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami obvs).

I've always been a fan of Holly's, so I'm tres excited. This show has a great cast of supporting characters like Holly's dimwitted assistant, Peepshow co-stars and party pals, and probs Criss Angel and Benji Madden (we can hope, right?) They've also staged and taped this show in the perfect tongue in cheek way which proves that Holly doesn't take herself too seriously, a quality that I seriously adore.

The Ham Game: brought to you by the Manzos

The new season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has been pretty blah thus far, but one moment from this week's episode made me laugh so uncontrollably that it hurt as I watched this clip over and over. It felt good.


I'm not quite sure what the objective of The Ham Game is, but it seems like you just throw ham at each other and try to do it when the other person doesn't expect it. The game itself made me lol a lot, but Caroline's reaction was even better. She gets scarily fired up and says things that make no sense such as "There's nothing RESPONSIBLE about The Ham Game." There's nothing responsible about most games, but isn't that why we play them?

I'm seriously worried that if I play The Ham Game around Caroline that she'll hire someone to tie me up and throw me in the Hudson.

Bubblegum tweener pop amazingness

Big Time Rush is easily the best fake show about a real/fake band since S Club 7 in Miami. I discovered this show recently during a lonely night with limited cable in an Atlantic City Hotel room, and I'm kind of obsessed. Big Time Rush airs on Nickelodeon and chronicles the scripted hijinks of real boyband Big Time Rush as they pretend-move to LA to record their first album while living in some sort of compound for kids and teens in the entertainment business. Whether the chicken of the band came before or after the egg of the TV show is unknown, but I don't care because omg they're soooo cute!

From a "musical" standpoint, Big Time Rush is the perfect boyband because it's literally impossible to decide which member is the hottest (though I'm leaning toward Kendall, second from left). The characters on the show are in only high school, and even in real life not a single member is old enough to legally drink alcohol. Perfect. The music is also really catchy with tunes like "Halfway There" and "Big Time". Although, their romantic single "Any Kind of Guy" totally sends the wrong message to the youngins saying they'll be any kind of guy us girls want just to get in our pants impress us. Don't pretend to be who you aren't just to get a date, kids. From a television standpoint, this show has the perfect storm of physical comedy, innocent flirtations, musical numbers, and fat jokes needed to impress Nick's target audience of tweens...and apparently twenty-something entertainment bloggers.

Kendall, I don't care if you are 19 playing a 16-year-old...wanna bang?

Kind of a hipster Copacabana

Home Sweet Home
Lower East Side
131 Chrystie Street (b/w Delancey and Broome Streets)
New York, NY 10002
212-226-5708
www.homesweethomebar.com

First of all, every time I come here (usually Fridays) one of my friends loses something, so you know that means you had a fun night. Home Sweet Home is what would happen if your mom's basement had cool lighting, a great DJ, and 300+ of your closest friends ready to get drunk and dance. The decor is randomly chic including mismatched vintagey furniture, stuffed animals (not of the teddy-bear variety), and kick ass chandeliers. This underground bar with cement floors with a low ceiling definitely is reminiscent of a dingy basement, but that's a good thing because it feels like you're...well, at home. Find Home Sweet Home by the unmarked entryway with a staircase and fancy chandelier, and don't be surprised or frustrated if they charge a teensy cover, it's worth it. A narrow bar area leads to a dance floor in the back where hipsters, downtown fashionistas, and other creatively dressed twenty-somethings wiggle around to Motown, early rock and roll, and a few carefully selected tracks from the 70's-90's. Because there's probably over 300 people packed into this tiny basement, space is pretty tight and a fight has been known to break out...but within 2 minutes that fight will probably just turn into a dance battle so no need to worry. Load up on the cheap drinks, dance to music that you probably don't know but will become your new favorite, and use the lack of space to "accidentally" grope one of the many cute guys at Home Sweet Home.
Rating: 4.5 stars

Last call...for cookies

This is a very important announcement. You only have about two hours left to get Girl Scout Cookies until spring 2011. This is serious.

I grew up either selling Girl Scout Cookies myself or buying them from the lil tots in my neighborhood, but since the children of NYC are clearly too corrupt to join the Girl Scouts other measures had to be taken. The Girl Scouts of New York City have set up four Cookie Cupboards throughout the boroughs so New Yorkers can still get our fill of minty and shortbread and coconut goodness. Cookies are sold at these locations in any quantity with no need for advance order...and for only $3.50 per box! In Manhattan that's seriously cheaper than you can get a small box of Oreos. I visited the Cookie Cupboard on 23rd Street today and stocked up on Thin Mints for the next year, so now I can stuff my face on lonely nights while supporting a good cause. Thank goodness I did because today is the LAST DAY the Cookie Cupboards are open, and in Manhattan only until 4:30pm. So get there you gluttons!

Observations from the Jerz

Here's the hot topics that came from last night's season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey:

-Dina is slowly becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. Why does she now not have any family members in the background of her title slide? What happened to her daughter Lexi? I mean, can't they just throw a bigass picture of Grandma Wrinkles (cat, not family member) up in there? Grandma Wrinkles and her new pussy Ladybug got about 15 minutes of airtime last night, but Dina's people family was nowhere to be seen. Also, Ladybug is possibly even more "special looking" than Grandma Wrinkles.

-When are we going to see The Real Housepets of Bravo? Seriously this is a great idea. I could watch Ginger, Grandma Wrinkles, and Kim's wig all day.

-Caroline's daughter Lauren has a new boyfriend, Vito. Obviously she is dating a guy named Vito, and it should come as no surprise that he's her brother Albie's best friend. That's just how it happens in Jersey, now Chris just has to date Vito's sister.

-Caroline's husband Albert lost a lot of weight and apparently got all hot and stuff. It's obvious that they're now having a ton of sex which kinda grosses me out.

-Danielle and her new bff Kim D are scary together. These bitches will literally cut you.

-Yet Kim seems to be a traitor, making nice with the Manzos and saying she's not all that close with Danielle. Did I miss something or is Kim going to be a new Housewife? Homegirl is working her camera time.

-According to Teresa, you need to marry a Jewish guy but then make him 180 cans of Italian tomato sauce per year. But not when you're on your period. Her daughter Gia is grossed out, not because of periods or crushing tomatoes, but because she doesn't want to marry a Jewish guy.

-This season better get more interesting. Fast.