8:02pm - Wow, Shakespeare is already using sophisticated phrases of poetry like "blowing smoke up each other's asses". Great use of figurative language!
8:06pm - The kids receive a package with anonymous surveys that they must feel out about each other with amazing questions like "who is the dumbest". Just when I think the challenges cannot get any better THIS happens. I can't wait for the tears to start in 5, 4...
8:09pm - I got strangely excited during the promo for the announcement of the Dancing with the Stars cast. This makes me question my own standards.
8:12pm - Now they all have to guess the results of the survey and get points for correct guesses. Genius.
8:14pm - Elizabeth won "most shallow", but doesn't consider herself shallow OR know what it means.
8:16pm - And Natalie picked herself for "dumbest" which actually shows she's kinda smart, yet STILL gets is wrong. Gwen was voted the dumbest, really? Tenley gets a winning point by correctly guessing this but cannot live with winning the game for calling someone dumb. Can't we just agree all these ladies are equally the dumbest and call it a day?
8:23pm - Omg the crying needs to stop. According to the poll, Natalie will never get married which upsets her greatly (I thought she'd welcome the lifetime of random sex), Wes is a jerk AND can't do simple logic or math, and the girls have a collective secret crush on Dave?!? Ew.
8:26pm - Elizabeth was voted "worst boob job" which was the last question to determine the winners of Tenley and Jesse B. The winners get to have one on one dates this time around which means more sex, and Elizabeth thinks she and Kovacs are on the chopping block and starts what is sure to be an epic make-up-less ugly-cry confessional. Stay tuned for the waterworks, bitches!
8:32pm - Natalie is breaking down obvi, but actually having an intelligent breakthrough about the way she's perceived. You know what, maybe Natalie is really not all that dumb! Elizabeth though is completely shattered that she has a bad boob job. Is this news to her? Does the house not have mirrors?
8:43pm - Ugh I am not going to be able to stomach watching this date b/w Tenley and Kiptyn. T's voice, laugh, and general personality are beyond annoying. Brief pause for food and then promptly losing it...
8:53pm - Jesse B picks Peyton for his one on one date. Which is very chivalrous considering they've already shacked up in the fantasy suite...and everything that goes along with it. I'm happy for them, possibly because Jesse B is by far the hottest guy in the house and my roommates said that of all the girls in the house that I'm most like Peyton. Let me live vicariously through this...
8:55pm - Meanwhile kittens are singing and bunnies are smiling on Tenley and Kiptyn's date.
8:59pm - Omg they're actually going to the fantasy suite...and the doors are closing! I seriously thought Tenley would reject the offer and have a nervous breakdown over the implications. Slut.
9:04pm - I actually really like Tenley's dress (the black strapless with the gold waist). And it totally pains me to say that.
9:11pm - Peyton and Jesse B are totally a perfect redneck couple who will go to state fairs, ear corn dogs, and bet on the pig races. Loves it! Also loves that she's now getting him drunk on martinis, which he's never had before. Get it gurl!
9:17pm - Only now the redneck has gone to a bad level of burping and pouring vodka in champagne. Dude, be classy and respect the champagne. Peyton is not feeling it. Maybe no sexin tonight?
9:20pm - NO SEXIN! Peyton denied the fantasy suite. No sex on Bachelor Pad is a first, this feels weird.
9:40pm - The past 20 minutes have been filled with boring strategy talk and DWTS announcements, but there's finally something relevant to report because voting has begun and Gwen has horrible extensions in.
9:46pm - Kiptyn is being a pussy. He can't vote Gwen off because she hasn't done anything to him and he'd feel bad. Does homeboy know this is a GAME? Does he have balls? Tenley, confirm or deny?
9:56pm - Rose ceremony. Krisily and Wes are going home, and Krisily is going off! Well said lady, people in this house are shady, have no balls, and the couples are annoying as hell. I'm going to miss Shakespeare dearly as well.
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