No Pants Epic Fails

There's a lot of annoying hipster shit that goes on in New York City, but No Pants Subway Ride day has got to be the most obnoxious day of the year.  As if the concept isn't bad enough, people clearly do not know the proper way to behave in public when wearing only their skivvies. If there is one at all. This is evidenced in the following things I witnessed around Union Square today:

1. Girls in Forever 21 trying on jeans in the middle of the store. You wouldn't take off your clothes to try on jeans out in the open any other day, so just because you have easy access does not make this okay.

2. People having the balls to even enter Whole Foods in only underwears, let alone browse the hot food section. This is a frickin grocery store. I'm trying to buy a chick pea salad, I should not be able to see your pubic hair.

To make matters worse, it's never the people you'd actually want to see pants-less that participate in these things, is it?

Diet: Day 1

BREAKFAST--1/2 GRAPEFRUIT, 1 SLICE TOAST, 2 TBS. PEANUT BUTTER, COFFEE OR TEA
I usually don't eat breakfast so I'm looking at this meal as something to compensate for the light lunches in the system.  The toast with peanut butter was great, but I'm realizing that I don't actually like grapefruits very much despite their amazing smell.  They have a sour aftertaste, plus how the hell do you actually eat the things?  Fork?  Do you peel them?  Who knows. Conversely, I'm learning that I really do like tea.  Off to a good start for the day.

LUNCH--1/2 CUP TUNA, 1 SLICE TOAST, COFFEE OR TEA
Due to meetings at work, I didn't eat lunch until about 3pm (ideally would have been about 1:30 or 2pm).  I was doing okay with hunger though.  I had absolutely no problem with the assigned foods in this meal, but I had to eat so slowly just to convince myself that I was eating a fulfilling meal.  By the time I left the office three and a half hours later I was struggling.  And then tortured myself by walking past McDonalds, Red Lobster (who currently has Endless Shrimp), and numerous other tempting street food vendors.  At this point I want every food I see, am questioning how I'm going to get through these three days, and cannot wait to get home for dinner.

DINNER--2 SLICES ANY TYPE OF MEAT (ABOUT 3OZ), 1 CUP GREEN BEANS, 1/2 BANANA, 1 SMALL APPLE, 1 CUP VANILLA ICE CREAM
This was definitely a turnaround point.  For my meat, I chose sliced lunch meat turkey.  As I was preparing my meal, I immediately noticed that I was getting a lot more food than at lunch.  And I hadn't even scooped out the ice cream yet!  Dinner was satisfying and tasted great.  I don't eat a lot of fruit in my daily life, but found myself wondering why after thoroughly enjoying the apple and banana. (eeple and baneenee?) I'm not a big dessert person and was full enough to have easily skipped the ice cream, but in the interest of following the plan exactly as prescribed I forced it down my throat.  And it was good.

I then prepared the hard boiled eggs for tomorrow and the rest of the cycle (a new skill I Googled and taught myself), feeling good and confident about this process.

Diet? :/

I've decided to try a new diet, and it's been suggested that I blog about it. Though dieting is less than fabulous, I suppose at this point in the progression of this blog any post is better than no post.  No?

There are many variations of this diet, but it's known as the "3 Day Diet" or "The Military Diet".  You're on for three days, off for four.  Though I'm assuming "off" doesn't mean you're allowed to eat The Baconator.

The version of the plan I'm following is below, and looking it over makes me feel confident that this is a diet I can realistically stick to.  I love food and hate small portions, and it seems like I will still have a decent quantity of food and a fair amount of yummyness.  Hot dogs?  Hell yes!  I went grocery shopping for the week last night and started the diet today.  Stay tuned...

DAY 1: BREAKFAST--1/2 GRAPEFRUIT, 1 SLICE TOAST, 2 TBS. PEANUT BUTTER, COFFEE OR TEA

LUNCH--1/2 CUP TUNA, 1 SLICE TOAST, COFFEE OR TEA

DINNER--2 SLICES ANY TYPE OF MEAT (ABOUT 3OZ), 1 CUP GREEN BEANS, 1/2 BANANA, 1 SMALL APPLE, 1 CUP VANILLA ICE CREAM

DAY 2: BREAKFAST--1 EGG, 1 SLICE TOAST, 1/2 BANANA

LUNCH--1 CUP COTTAGE CHEESE (OR 1 SLICE CHEDDAR CHEESE), 1 HARD BOILED EGG, 5

SALTINE CRACKERS

DINNER--2 HOT DOGS, (no buns), 1 CUP BROCCOLI, 1/2 CUP CARROTS, 1/2 BANANA, 1/2 CUP VANILLA ICE CREAM

DAY 3: BREAKFAST--5 SALTINE CRACKERS, 1 SLICE CHEDDAR CHEESE, 1 SMALL APPLE

LUNCH--1 HARD BOILED EGG, 1 SLICE TOAST

DINNER--1 CUP TUNA, 1/2 BANANA, 1 CUP VANILLA ICE CREAM

DIET WORKS ON CHEMICAL BREAKDOWN AND IS PROVEN. DO NOT VARY OR SUBSTITUTE ANY OF THE ABOVE FOODS. SALT AND PEPPER MAY BE USED, BUT DO NOT USE ANY OTHER SEASONING. DIET IS TO BE USED THREE DAYS AT A TIME.

IN THREE DAYS, YOU SHOULD LOSE 10 POUNDS. AFTER THREE DAYS OF DIETING, YOU CAN EAT YOUR NORMAL FOODS, BUT DO NOT OVER DO IT. AFTER YOUR 4 DAYS OF NORMAL EATING, START BACK ON THE 3 DAY DIET. YOU CAN LOSE UP TO 40 POUNDS IN A MONTH IF YOU STICK TO THIS DIET. IT IS A SAFE DIET.

REMEMBER: DO NOT EAT BETWEEN MEALS!

NOTE: COFFEE OR TEA THE FIRST TWO MEALS OF DAY ONE ONLY. WATER ONLY FROM THEN ON.

Bravo continues to provide gems

Bravo had their "upfronts" today, which is a fancy industry term for an announcement of what new TV shows they're planning to brainwash us with.  Here are the shows you'll be addicted to in the coming months, and whether or not I give my stamp of approval.  Click the linkey for actual factual info.


"Silicon Valley" - I did the Googling and yes Randi Zuckerberg is related to Mark, so this show should be legit.  And dramaful.

"Life After Top Chef" - Genius.  As much as I love Blais and Spike though, I really hope they go for the more obscure people as well.  Stephen from TC: DC needs to be back in my life.

"Below Deck" - Lame.  Since they're co-workers they probably won't hook up (as much).  And who wants to watch reality tv about non-rich people?  Ick.

"Huh?" - My thoughts exactly.  Too much technology and no Zuckerbergs.

"SUR" - As much as I love Lisa Van Der Pump, I don't know about this one.  I highly doubt dogs are allowed in the SUR kitchen, and without Giggy I can't fully co-sign this.

"Miss Advised" - A relationship show and a good pun can win me over any day.  Plus I like Emily Morse.

"Newlyweds: The First Year" - Won't work.  There was already THE "Newlyweds" reality show, and adding a subtitle won't hide the fact that this will never measure up to the original.

"Gallery Girls" - No.  First of all, too many characters for us to get to know (7).  Plus no one cares about art.

"LA Shrinks" - Has a chance, but will have to really fight for a spot on my DVR.  This show isn't immediately grabbing my attention, but there is unpredictability in the world of crazies.

"Decades" - This sounds like a soap opera my grandma would have watched in the 80's, but I think it's actually the name of a vintage shop.  So been done before.

"The Kandi Factory" - I'd rather see Kandi Burruss do a show about sex toys than music, but this should still work out okay.  I applaud the Housewives who actually have real skillz to pay the billz.

Unfortunately, several awful Bravo shows have actually been renewed ("Million Dollar Decorators", "Chef Roble & Co", and all time fail "Pregnant in Heels").  And even more unfortunately, "Boys To Manzo" is noticeably absent from the list.

Happy Fashion Week!

To kick off New York Fashion Week and my (hopeful) return to blogging, everyone needs to see this.  And don't even pretend it's not true because you biotches know you have said this s*it.  I totes have.  And I agree that I'm soooo not eating til Fashion Week so...good thing it's Fashion Week.



http://knowyourmeme.com/videos/29312-shit-girls-say

Liveblogging: Bachelor Pad premiere

My computer screen is jacked up which makes it very hard to see what I'm writing, so my apologies if this blog is as incoherent as Kasey's speech patterns. Happy Bachelor Pad premiere everyone!

8:03pm - Rated R standing in front of a graffiti wall with a pulled up hoodie...so is he a white rapper now or something? Also soooo excited for Michelle Money to be here!

8:09pm - "Take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka"?! Wow, I forgot how poetic Kasey can be. That's a quote that needs to be set to music. Shit I hope I'm not giving him any ideas.

8:10pm - Jake for biggest reality whore of the year? I didn't even know networks let you be on two shows at once. (this and Famous Foods)

8:17pm - Who the eff is Erica Rose? Are we sure she isn't actually Devorah Rose from High Society?

8:19pm - Ugh moms should not be going on Bachelor Pad, ELLA! Irresponsible parenting! Sob story or not, good mothers do not go on the smuttiest of reality shows. This rule does not apply to Michelle Money because she's unapologetic about her entertainment value and I loves it!

8:29pm - If Holly was going to kill a muppet to wear as a skirt, couldn't she have at least skinned enough fur off of it to cover her Miss Piggy?

8:35pm - I love how much of a horn dog Blake is being this season! Maybe actually showing some personality will keep him around a bit longer this time.

8:42pm - Rated R jumps on my muppet pun bandwagon. Nice! And agreed, Kasey and Vienna are vom-worthy.

8:45pm - According to Holly, Blake "uses pretty big words which is reallllly attractive." This girl is quickly becoming my favorite person to make fun of. She makes it so easy!

8:47pm - Kirk seems to have gotten uglier which is a shame because I had a pretty big crush on him. At least William is here to bring some hotness! There's a lot of blonde guys on this season which is weird but awesome for eye candy (so my type). Plus blondes have more fun which is better for TV. Obvs.

8:55pm - Jake's cheesy fake-surprised facial expression when meeting Kasey was the best thing I've seen in my life. Proof that reality TV is real because clearly these people can't act.

8:59pm - Jake pulls Kasey aside for a Man Talk to try to clear the Vienna-filled air, and I really wish I could understand what Kasey was saying because I bet it would be pretty dramatic.

9:09pm - Ames and Jackie: first new couple in the house to get a little makey-outey. Good job, Ames! Way to step it up and be a man!

9:11pm - So their first challenge (yah, they do those between having romps in the fantasy suite) is to be suspended in a harness in what's totally a sex position, and hold onto each other for as long as possible.

9:15pm - Holly would rather be drinking, so she lets herself fall. Just had to point that out. Priceless. Mature.

9:24pm - Vienna is so considerate of her boyfriend's health and well being. His leg and back are cramping with intolerable pain, she yells at him because Jake might get immunity. Supportive. Jake wins.

9:28pm - Vienna is a horrible person! But I guess we knew that already. In the hot tub (obviously) she continues to rip him a new one for not winning the challenge and fighting with her on camera. Isn't she actually picking the fight? It seems like their "strategy" coming into the house was to just win every challenge, but how is that a sound strategy? Eventually there would be a challenge about being a decent human being or making responsible decisions with tattoos, and clearly you wouldn't win those.

9:39pm - Rated R is actually (for once) using his lying powers for good after pretending to be in "the main alliance", but secretly being a swing vote. I applaud that, I've watched enough Challenge type shows to know that if you're on the outskirts of the big alliance you will get screwed.

9:43pm - This effing show is going until 11:00 tonight? Didn't plan for this and my computer battery is about to die. Time out. Recharge!

10:54pm - Bachelor Pad may be one of the best shows on TV, but three hours is a bit much even for the most riveting mindless trash. Alliances were formed and broken and secretly formed, and eventually we were left with Rated R and Alli being voted off because they were wishy-washy sneaky bitches. Alli can go as far as I care, but losing Rated R this early is a travesty in the reality world! Like, totes more tragic than the stock market crashing today. Rated R being gone decreases America's level of being entertained and that is not cool.

Proving once again that dorks are hot

Um, hello? Neville Longbottom got hot!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 had their New York premiere on Monday, and the majority of the British cast crossed the ocean to walk the red carpet. I've never been shy about my love for Daniel Radcliffe, but I think he's been ousted from the top of my Hogwarts crush list. Behold Matthew Lewis who plays dorky and sometimes daft Neville Longbottom. Holy hell did he go through a transformation. He's practically unrecognizable from the awkward kid who started the series ten years ago...though in the later films I started to see that he was possibly not completely tragic in the looks department. Now at age 22, Matthew Lewis looked dapper and sexy on Monday's red carpet (not to mention that he now has about ten inches in height on Radcliffe). Hollywood watch out, this guy has leading man potential!