I need to stop watching teen shows

There's been quite a bit of buzz surrounding MTV's new scripted comedy The Hard Times of RJ Berger. The premise of the show is simple, genius, and yet juvenile at the same time: a teen nerd becomes famous for his huge penis. Well not "famous", but like "high school famous" which is almost more important than real fame. I'm really enjoying this show because they're pushing buttons about as much as a show geared toward teens can (in the most recent episode the mom masturbates on the clothes dryer), but I'm a little perplexed by the casting choice for RJ.

Paul Iacono does a fine job as the title character, but isn't he a little too hot to be playing one of the biggest dorks in school? I don't have a cougar crush on him or anything (for once) but Paul is fairly good looking and while small, not scrawny at all. Just take a moment to observe the pecks next time RJ wears a tight t-shirt. Warning: he does this a lot. They've also styled RJ more mis-matched hipster than clueless dork, which then puzzles me as to why he's such an outcast. Plus, why don't more girls wanna bang him now that they know what he's packing? To be continued...it looks like at some point in the season RJ is going to get some.

PS - MICKEY PARKE makes a cameo later in the season!! Mickey freakin Parke from 2ge+her! Okay, actually actor Alex Solowitz who played Mickey Park in the hit MTV movie and TV series 2ge+her...about an awesome fictional boyband. Mickey Parke has one ho, and one ho only, and that's Mickey Parke fool! Guess MTV still had contractual obligations with him after 2ge+her was abruptly cancelled. (RIP, QT...)

Bubblegum tweener pop amazingness

Big Time Rush is easily the best fake show about a real/fake band since S Club 7 in Miami. I discovered this show recently during a lonely night with limited cable in an Atlantic City Hotel room, and I'm kind of obsessed. Big Time Rush airs on Nickelodeon and chronicles the scripted hijinks of real boyband Big Time Rush as they pretend-move to LA to record their first album while living in some sort of compound for kids and teens in the entertainment business. Whether the chicken of the band came before or after the egg of the TV show is unknown, but I don't care because omg they're soooo cute!

From a "musical" standpoint, Big Time Rush is the perfect boyband because it's literally impossible to decide which member is the hottest (though I'm leaning toward Kendall, second from left). The characters on the show are in only high school, and even in real life not a single member is old enough to legally drink alcohol. Perfect. The music is also really catchy with tunes like "Halfway There" and "Big Time". Although, their romantic single "Any Kind of Guy" totally sends the wrong message to the youngins saying they'll be any kind of guy us girls want just to get in our pants impress us. Don't pretend to be who you aren't just to get a date, kids. From a television standpoint, this show has the perfect storm of physical comedy, innocent flirtations, musical numbers, and fat jokes needed to impress Nick's target audience of tweens...and apparently twenty-something entertainment bloggers.

Kendall, I don't care if you are 19 playing a 16-year-old...wanna bang?

"Idol" scandals already...shocker

The American Idol top 24 was announced this week and frankly my dear, I barely give a damn. I've fallen asleep during many of my attempts to watch this season's episodes, even during my beloved Hollywood week, because so far this season has suuuuuucked! (and admittedly I've usually been drunk)

A few weeks ago there was a rumor that Michael Lynch had been DQed (disqualified, not Dairy Queen-ed) because his father prematurely revealed his top 24 success to a local newspaper. Well, it's looking more and more like that was just a rumor because Michael is slated to compete in Wednesday's first male semi-final round. And I'm cool with that because I like this dude.

Then this week the REAL scandal broke involving Chris Golightly. Allegedly, homeboy had been under contract with a boyband and neglected to disclose that information to the producers. The contract ended a month before Golightly's Idol audition so technically he would have been eligible. However, he brushed over the truth about this in his initial paperwork, and apparently his manager effed up and couldn't find the proof that Golightly was a free man, so he was bumped from the competition in the final hour and replaced by Tim Urban. Cue some very creative editing during the top 24 announcement episode. But I'm also fairly cool with this because Tim is quite the hottie in a cougar cub/Zefron kind of way.

First of all, Golightly clearly has his priorities messed up if he was willing to walk away from a perfectly good boyband for American Idol. Secondly, I'm of the mindset that if you have a manager you probably shouldn't be auditioning anyway. I'm all about my Idol being an every-man type. Third of all, with all the shadiness and "lost paperwork" perhaps the Idol producers had to fudge all this to cover the fact the Golightly (btw best name EVER) was actually in-eligible due to Justin Guarini's 10 year racially-ambiguous-white-boy-with-a-fro monopoly. Because Guarini is a diva and can't take the competition.

FOURTH OF ALL, Idol is pissing me off for cutting arguably their best competitor, Thaddeus Johnson. This kid can sing better than most of the people they've had on the show in the past three years, yet somehow he was deemed unworthy of making the semi-finals. Really?!? Maybe they just knew that he would give a fantastic crying/screaming/cursing/locking himself in a bathroom stall fit upon receiving the bad news. And I'm really supposed to believe that it's still about the music?

What the world needs now is...

BOYBANDS! Or more specifically The Boyband For The Next Generation. Perez Hilton and some other peepz who are important in the music industry are setting out to assemble the next great male musical ensemble featuring singing, dancing, hair gel and probably some amazing matching outfits. Boys between the ages of 13 and 21 can audition by submitting videos of their talents to the project's website, and PLEASE DO because I need more 13-21 year old boys in the media to drool over.

I could not be more excited about this project, because we all know the best boybands are made by wannabe Svengalis manufacturing acts through mass auditions and forcing together young men who may or may not get along. The only thing that could make it better is doing it in front of a reality TV camera (if they're smart, it will come). I still have every episode of O-Town's Making The Band on video cassette and treasure those precious television and musical moments. Plus, the world in general could use a pick-me-up. 1998-2001 was a pretty upbeat era, and I attribute much of it to Chris Kirkpatrick's dreads and Nick Carter's falsetto. I'll take that stimulus package any day...

Jazz hands!

Though they can't seem to hold it together as a network to produce a single episode of American Idol that runs on time, Fox is getting both myself and critics a little excited with Glee, a new show for summer/fall that will be premiering during May sweeps. Glee will be previewing on May 19th and tells the story of a young teacher who takes over as the director of a rag-tag, seemingly talentless high school glee club. And of course there will be major dramz and love stories wrapped in with riveting musical numbers featuring some of Broadway's biggest stars. The musical theatre dork in me is bursting at the seams and pirouetting around my television set. Glee is being created and produced by Ryan Murphy who previously worked his magic with Nip/Tuck, but don't expect the smut and general absurdity to carry over, this is kind of a family show.

However, myself and girls everywhere are probably going to be getting their panties in a bunch over Matthew Morrison who plays said teacher turned glee club aficionado. Matthew has done a ton of Broadway which would be a turn-off for most girls, but it makes me really horny seeing sexy men spontaneously burst into song. Upping the hotness factor even more, he was briefly in the boyband LMNT (formed from several O-Town rejects and friends, best known for the musical masterpiece "Juliet"), but he's smart so he quit that shiz before most people even knew it existed.

Hotties, jazz hands, and melodramatic high school plot lines? Yah, I'm on board.

Dear "Stallionaires"...

Dear "Stallionaires" (Real and Chance...and their brother who looks like Andre 3000),

I know you think you're very tough. I mean, you have an amazing reality show and all, and you managed to survive being in love with New York. But let's talk about your music, as seen on tonight's episode of "A Real Chance at Love". Last time I checked, if you want to be taken seriously as hip hop artists, you might not want your breakout song to sound like something LFO wrote in 1998, complete with lyrics about girls in the summer.

Just a thought.

That being said, where can I cop that shiiiiiit?

Best,
Megan

Dear "High School Musical 3"...

Dear "High School Musical 3",

Nsync called. They want their music video dance scenes back.

Sincerely,
Megan


.....and just for the record I did "not" fight tears during the graduation scene.