Today might be the best TV night of all-time

No hyperbole. The best night of ALL. TIME. Why are the networks even doing this to themselves...and to me?!

8pm ET - "Survivor" season premiere on CBS. To me this actually doesn't matter all that much, but to a lot of people "Survivor" is a big deal. And I get it. It's one of the OGs of reality TV, and I have respect for that.

9pm ET - "Empire" season premiere on FOX. This show is changing the game, and not just because it's getting me to watch a scripted show. The ratings during season one earlier this year were unheard of for a new show in today's media landscape. Cookie is one of the best developed (and best dressed) female characters in years. White people are appreciating hip-hop! My mom likes it! This show has it all.

9pm ET - "Modern Family" season premiere on ABC. This is what white people should be watching at 9pm, but won't be.

9:30pm ET - "Big Brother" season finale on CBS. I might be most excited for this. Or "Empire". Don't make me decide. My night would be made if Steve or Liz win HOH and do not take Vanessa to the final two. Justice would be served.

10pm ET - "Nashville" season premiere on ABC. It's like the country version of "Empire", and has managed to last four seasons even though it jumped the shark when Scarlett made friends with that homeless guy. So clearly "Nashville" is legit.

10pm ET - "Million Dollar Listing: LA" on Bravo. Well...I'm excited....


Happy Fall TV Season, everyone!

Bravo continues to provide gems

Bravo had their "upfronts" today, which is a fancy industry term for an announcement of what new TV shows they're planning to brainwash us with.  Here are the shows you'll be addicted to in the coming months, and whether or not I give my stamp of approval.  Click the linkey for actual factual info.


"Silicon Valley" - I did the Googling and yes Randi Zuckerberg is related to Mark, so this show should be legit.  And dramaful.

"Life After Top Chef" - Genius.  As much as I love Blais and Spike though, I really hope they go for the more obscure people as well.  Stephen from TC: DC needs to be back in my life.

"Below Deck" - Lame.  Since they're co-workers they probably won't hook up (as much).  And who wants to watch reality tv about non-rich people?  Ick.

"Huh?" - My thoughts exactly.  Too much technology and no Zuckerbergs.

"SUR" - As much as I love Lisa Van Der Pump, I don't know about this one.  I highly doubt dogs are allowed in the SUR kitchen, and without Giggy I can't fully co-sign this.

"Miss Advised" - A relationship show and a good pun can win me over any day.  Plus I like Emily Morse.

"Newlyweds: The First Year" - Won't work.  There was already THE "Newlyweds" reality show, and adding a subtitle won't hide the fact that this will never measure up to the original.

"Gallery Girls" - No.  First of all, too many characters for us to get to know (7).  Plus no one cares about art.

"LA Shrinks" - Has a chance, but will have to really fight for a spot on my DVR.  This show isn't immediately grabbing my attention, but there is unpredictability in the world of crazies.

"Decades" - This sounds like a soap opera my grandma would have watched in the 80's, but I think it's actually the name of a vintage shop.  So been done before.

"The Kandi Factory" - I'd rather see Kandi Burruss do a show about sex toys than music, but this should still work out okay.  I applaud the Housewives who actually have real skillz to pay the billz.

Unfortunately, several awful Bravo shows have actually been renewed ("Million Dollar Decorators", "Chef Roble & Co", and all time fail "Pregnant in Heels").  And even more unfortunately, "Boys To Manzo" is noticeably absent from the list.

Liveblogging: The Real Housewives of NJ premiere

9:00pm - Will The Real Housewives of New Jersey be as good sans-Danielle? Probs not, but we're about to find out...
9:02pm - We meet Melissa, Theresa's sister-in-law who is possibly more of a guidette than Theresa. Aaaand drama already...
9:04pm - Wow, seems like all these women ever do is go to Christenings and fight...
9:06pm - Theresa is admitting to being broke...kinda. Joe's fulltime profession is now the pizzeria. Priceless.
9:09pm - Albie and Chris are getting their own (surprisingly normal sized) apartment. That is one bachelor pad I def wouldn't mind visiting ;)
9:11pm - Did Jacqueline get a nosejob? Something looks different...just sayin
9:13pm - Ugh okay Lizzie Grubman would NOT be comforting a crying intern (Ashley) if the cameras weren't around!! #unrealistic
9:19pm - So Ashley is crying about...her own lateness to her internship? And her parents not paying for an apartment? Wahhh...
9:22pm - Theresa and her brother are fighting because he didn't come to her book signing and she doesn't like his wife. Cue introduction package...
9:24pm - New Real Housewife Melissa says she's expected to be a "cook in the kitchen, lady in the parlor, and whore in the bedroom". Classy.
9:29pm - Kathy is the other new Housewife - Theresa's cousin. And she's friends with Melissa. Cue quotes about the importance of "blood family".
9:30pm - Melissa has amazing fashion sense...pink latex and white feathers. So on trend...
9:32pm - Between Kathy and Melissa does anyone on this show not see it as their mission to constantly cook for their family?
9:35pm - I don't get the Manzos' "Cajun Voice". I miss The Ham Game...
9:45pm - And now Melissa had the nerve to steal Theresa's hairdresser?! That's like taking Ramona's pinot grigio.
9:48pm - Ugh not only is Joe walking around shirtless but now Theresa is talking about them having the runs. Vom.
9:50pm - Can someone please change their name to something other than Joe or Guissepe? I'm so lost...
9:52pm - Not going to the church for a Christening is apparently a major snub. Seriously, Theresa, that's pretty bad. Religion etiquette on #RHONJ
9:57pm - Audriana is rocking a Royal Wedding quality hat at the Christening. Fierce lil lady!
10:06pm - Chris Manzo is quitting the Brownstone?!? #EndOfAnEra
10:10pm - I don't like Melissa...but Theresa isn't exactly in the right so far tonight either.
10:14pm - Fist fight at a Christening! Amazing! I was worried about #RHONJ without Danielle but this is good.
10:18pm - Okay I like Kathy!! Good head on her shoulders looking out for the kids!
10:21pm - I've seriously lost track of what's going on. The Joes have been fighting for like a full 5 mins and death threats have been made. Scary.
10:25pm - To add to the confusion, now we're all screaming in Italian and repeatedly saying "You're my father!" Awkward to even watch at this point.
10:28pm - Wait that's it for tonight? Just previews for the season that include Melissa in some latex BritBrit getup. Loves it!
10:30pm - Loved live blogging this premiere! Now watching the replay to fully comprehend what just happened...and hopefully figure out all the Joes.

Wrong?

I'm pretty sure this goes against all laws of nature, but since all dogs are boys and all cats are girls I suppose it works on some level. On New Year's Eve, Giggy and Grandma Wrinkles got married. This video should be really cute but is actually pretty disturbing.

Gig, really?!? You can do so much better. Grandma Wrinkles is like the cat equivalent of Ma on Ma's Roadhouse, and Giggy is one hot piece and a certified "sex monster". Don't date down.


If you don't know who Giggy and Grandma Wrinkles are (and if not, seriously, why are you reading this blog?), Giggy is Lisa's balding-but-cute dog from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Grandma is Dina's ugly hairless cat from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Giggy was also the winner of Best Reality Pet at Cosmo Radio's 2010 Reality Re-Cap Awards because uh HELLOOOO he's amazing.

Top Chef All-Stars is going to be sweet

Bravo, thank you! You really know how to pick an all-star cast. Season 8 of Top Chef is going to include 18 previous contestants returning for a full season of competition. The cast was announced last night, and I must say there's not one person who I would have wanted to watch not make the list. Maybe Stephen from TC7, but even I know better than to put him on an all-star list. Bravo found the perfect balance between the hot messes with over the top personalities and the people who were truly the best chefs who just missed winning the title. Smart move to bring Tre back, he truly was a kick ass chef who was sent home far too early (8th place). I'm really hoping that Marcel will bust out some new jams like "They say my food lacks salt and pepper, but I'm like yo man, whatever" as well as generally antagonize people. Casey and Jennifer are easily two of the hottest women ever to compete on TC and can still absolutely cook, and male eye candy will be provided in the form of Spike (or Fabio I guess, if you're into suave Italian men with accents).

I think 18 contestants may be a bit too many, but since we already know the names and the personalities it should still be manageable to follow in the early episodes. Plus the large number of contestants likely means exciting double eliminations or being eliminated on Quick Fires to speed up the process. Top Chef All-Stars is being taped in New York City, so I'm just hoping for the chance to stalk them possibly have a totally random TC sighting.

Manzo Matchmaker

The Manzo brothers, Albie and Chris, will be among the "millionaires" being match-made by Patti Stanger on the upcoming season of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker. The boys of course gained fame as Caroline's wisecracking sons on fellow Bravo show The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Season 4 of Millionaire Matchmaker is set to take place in New York City.

Over the past month or so casting calls for female daters for MM4 have been popping up left and right and creating quite the excitement among Manhattan's single women. I've been actively ignoring these castings because I'm saving myself for The Bachelor, but I may have to make an exception if it would mean a shot at dating a Manzo brother. The Manzos are looking for "brunette, Italian, Catholic girls" (me=no, no, yes!), but I still think I'm a great match for them. One out of three ain't bad right? Plus my family knows about The Ham Game and thinks it's hilarious, so I really think everything will just gel with me and Albie and/or Chris. I don't even care that they're not technically millionaires on their own merit, I'd make the perfect wife to the eventual car wash/strip club moguls. And seriously, they are pretty cute. Don't judge me.

"Top Chef" afraid to get freaky?

Top Chef: DC started this week which means the summer TV lineup just got a huge boost, but I need to take umbrage with the first elimination decision for more reasons than one. John got eliminated during the premiere for his maple puff thingey, but it seemed like other contestants got harsher criticism like Jaqueline and Stephen the "hick" from Ohio. (eff you, Tracey, for saying that. don't get me started on you...) I thought the judges would have given John bravery points for attempting a dessert, but then again after seven seasons everyone should know better than to make a dessert on Top Chef. And if you absolutely have to, you make fruit.

More interestingly, I've been noticing a pattern with the first eliminated contestants over the past two seasons of Top Chef. They seem to be quickly eliminating the "freaks" with little culinary reason, which surprises me from a liberal network like Bravo. Are they scared or something? Are they worried the one conservative Bible-loving straight male who watches Bravo is going to be too weirded out? Jen, a young woman with huge gauged ear piercings and neck tats, was eliminated first from Top Chef: Las Vegas, followed by dread-locked John from the DC season who seemed to really love his maple trees if ya know what I mean. The remaining contestants are pretty white-bread, with the exception of flamboyant Arnold who hired a personal stylist and got a facial in preparation for the show (I'm also pretty sure he's a drag performer, unconfirmed though). Clearly he's my favorite.

C'mon, Bravo. Grow a pair and keep the "freaks". America can handle a bad tat or unwashed dreads as long as they bring it. (Hello? Crystal Bowersox?)

The Ham Game: brought to you by the Manzos

The new season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has been pretty blah thus far, but one moment from this week's episode made me laugh so uncontrollably that it hurt as I watched this clip over and over. It felt good.


I'm not quite sure what the objective of The Ham Game is, but it seems like you just throw ham at each other and try to do it when the other person doesn't expect it. The game itself made me lol a lot, but Caroline's reaction was even better. She gets scarily fired up and says things that make no sense such as "There's nothing RESPONSIBLE about The Ham Game." There's nothing responsible about most games, but isn't that why we play them?

I'm seriously worried that if I play The Ham Game around Caroline that she'll hire someone to tie me up and throw me in the Hudson.

Observations from the Jerz

Here's the hot topics that came from last night's season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey:

-Dina is slowly becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. Why does she now not have any family members in the background of her title slide? What happened to her daughter Lexi? I mean, can't they just throw a bigass picture of Grandma Wrinkles (cat, not family member) up in there? Grandma Wrinkles and her new pussy Ladybug got about 15 minutes of airtime last night, but Dina's people family was nowhere to be seen. Also, Ladybug is possibly even more "special looking" than Grandma Wrinkles.

-When are we going to see The Real Housepets of Bravo? Seriously this is a great idea. I could watch Ginger, Grandma Wrinkles, and Kim's wig all day.

-Caroline's daughter Lauren has a new boyfriend, Vito. Obviously she is dating a guy named Vito, and it should come as no surprise that he's her brother Albie's best friend. That's just how it happens in Jersey, now Chris just has to date Vito's sister.

-Caroline's husband Albert lost a lot of weight and apparently got all hot and stuff. It's obvious that they're now having a ton of sex which kinda grosses me out.

-Danielle and her new bff Kim D are scary together. These bitches will literally cut you.

-Yet Kim seems to be a traitor, making nice with the Manzos and saying she's not all that close with Danielle. Did I miss something or is Kim going to be a new Housewife? Homegirl is working her camera time.

-According to Teresa, you need to marry a Jewish guy but then make him 180 cans of Italian tomato sauce per year. But not when you're on your period. Her daughter Gia is grossed out, not because of periods or crushing tomatoes, but because she doesn't want to marry a Jewish guy.

-This season better get more interesting. Fast.

Patti Stanger gets sloppy seconds...again

Almost a year ago I wrote about Cara who was such a reality whore so desperate to find love that she went on not one but two reality dating shows, Mama's Boys and then Millionaire Matchmaker. Unfortunately, this week Patti Stanger once again got reality sloppy seconds in the form of "Loves It".





I couldn't shake the feeling that we had seen this girl before, and after much intense pondering I realized she was originally known as Nicole, the Minnie-Mouse voiced girl from Paris Hilton's My New BFF season 2. I gotta give this girl props, it shows true reality whoring to crash tapings for a second reality show after being eliminated from your first. Perseverance is a good thing, right?

It's "Top Chef", not "Top SexPot"

On Wednesday Michael Voltaggio was crowned the winner of Top Chef: Las Vegas, season 6 of the popular Bravo series. Though Mike had a good showing throughout the competition, the winner of Top Chef has historically been decided almost solely by the dishes made in the final challenge and has not been cumulative by any means. Looking at the judges' comments shown during the finale, it certainly didn't seem like Michael's food was their favorite that night. I thought it looked like almost certainly they were going to choose Brian Voltaggio (brotherly rivalries are obvi great for ratings), especially since he banged out a great dessert and Michael pretty much blew it.

Speaking of banging and blowing, how hot is Michael Voltaggio? He's such a badass and can be a total douche bag, but it totally works. Michael is sexy and was one of the only standout personalities during this season, which to some extent may have accounted for his win in what was by far the closest matchup in Top Chef history between the brothers V and Kevin Gillespie. No randos snuck into the finale (Lisa in season 4, Carla in season 5), so the choice of a winner had to come down to tiny mistakes in the cooking...or who's win could make for the best story line. Sorry Kevin, but even if you didn't make some crucial mistakes I saw a plot with it coming down to the two brothers a mile away.

Top Chef is also probably the hardest reality show for a viewer to truly judge accurately through the televizzle, and thus the easiest for the producers to have say in the outcome. Compared to a purely visual art like fashion (Project Runway) or auditory art like music (American Idol), the culinary world is roughly only 20% visual and largely 80% taste, a sense which cannot be experienced by a viewer. We have the judges' comments to help us, but there is mucho editing which will never allow the viewer to receive the full story. We can follow Top Chef and know who we want to win, but it's pretty much impossible for anyone (even a culinary expert viewer) but Tom and Padma to really know who deserves to win.

Was Michael a strong contender for the title? Surely. Was his food the best during the finale? We'll never know. Would I hit it? Obvi.

Did Bravo not get the memo?

Last night during the Real Housewives of Atlanta season premiere, Bravo played a shortened version of this commercial for the new season of Project Runway. Premiering August 20th. On LIFETIME.

After all the legal dramz that went down over the network switch for ProRun, why the hell would Bravo run a commercial for their competitor? Do they even realize how D-list that makes them look? It's like, "Look at one of the most popular and credible shows on reality tv that we lost and had to create a rip-off show to replace. It's great, change the channel and go watch this!" Seriously, Bravo, I thought you were better than that.

Yet, as much as I wanted to hate on Lifetime's version of ProRun, it looks just as great as in the good ole days and so does Models of the Runway. I'm hanging my head and changing into my mom jeans in shame because I will be watching.

PC, I feel for ya

NYC Prep (aka The Real Gossip Girls of New York) has been on Bravo for about two weeks now and in general is a quality reality show combining just the right amount of trainwreck and legitimate study of a specific sub-culture. We're talkin Emmy worthy shit right here. Well part of last night's episode struck a lil too close to home and got me thinking...



Go to near the end of this clip, or just watch the whole thing for the fifth time like I did. PC (whom I consider to be by far the most interesting cast member on the show) gets stood up on a blind date. Last night I was also scheduled to have a date with a guy I really didn't know who neglected to call me to make final arrangements. Not as bas as being stood up but still felt really awesome. PC makes a comment that it sucks to put yourself out there and try something slightly out of your comfort zone, only for it to blow up in your face. Which is basically how I feel about dating at the moment. It effin sucks to go through a dating dry spell, try really hard to make yourself open and meet people in every way possible, and then finally get a date that ends up not happening due to the inconsiderate nature of another person. It makes you feel un-dateable and like nothing good will ever come to you. Even if you didn't get your hopes up or put that much stock into the date, it's a really big let down and a slap in the face.

So I feel for PC, I feel for myself, and I feel for everyone out there who has been single for a long ass time, not you bitches who just got out of relationships and are loooooooving being single. It's only fun for so long, and you're just going to turn around and get into another relationship in four months anyway while those of us like PC and I will probably still be all alone. This whole dating thing can so suck it, and leave it to NYC Prep to show us a glimmer into the perils of being single and effin lonely.

Team Danielle!

All anyone's been able to talk about this week has been The Real Housewives of New Jersey and the Table-Flip Heard Round The World. Last night part 2 of the finale "The Last Supper/Director's Cut" aired, and while I didn't find it as enjoyable as the original (being that you knew exactly what was coming), there were some highlights. From a communication student POV, I thought the 4-way split screens that showed a moment from every camera angle at the same time were a fascinating way to simultaneously experience everyone's reaction to drama such as The Book taking its rightful place at the dinner table [above]. It really made you feel like you were there, and thus made me physically duck to avoid flying red wine. I also really enjoyed the bar scene at the end that was left out of the original finale. The fact that Danielle actually stayed for drinks with the other Housewives and their families with minimal dramz shows that deep down they all must be able to tolerate each other more than the original edit led on.

Which brings me to the part where I want to stick up for Danielle. Yes, she has a past, the extent of which we will probably never know the 100% truth. But does it really matter? As Danielle herself points out, it was 25 years ago. People DO change. A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to meet Danielle and chat for a bit, and coincidentally it was the day before her past started to break big time in the news media. She alluded to embarrassing events that were about to be leaked as much as was allowed by contract, and she came right out and said that it was going to be ugly. However, she came across as very genuine, someone who has truly grown into a caring woman and loving mother. She admitted the fact that she has made some mistakes that she is embarrassed by but has moved away from. And though she is a very strong and tough woman, she seemed genuinely hurt by the people who have wronged and betrayed her, past and present. She was someone that I would want in my company and as a friend, which is much more than I can say about someone like Dina who constantly talks shit about people and I'm pretty sure is still lying about revealing The Book. So despite any of her questionable decisions and sexual shenanigans, I am soooooo Team Danielle. Now all we need is for Bravo to make the t-shirts.

Reality whores strike again

Everyone keeps coming up to me telling me about this dumb slut from last Thursday's episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo and how funny she is...as if I haven't seen it. Please, bitches, you're working with the master. Yes, Cara Quici is dumb and hilarious on Millionaire, but I'll one up ya. Cara has been whoring herself out on reality tv for some time now, notably as a reject on NBC's recent train wreck, Mama's Boys. I mean, this hoe is quickly making her way to Megan Hauserman level. If you haven't experienced Cara bringing her charm and grace to basic cable then just watch this hot mess:

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At least she finally got a date...