Live Blogging: Bachelor Pad

This post is brought to you by the modern day Shakespeare...only better and cuter. Thanks to Gia for the insight, she will be missed.

8:02pm - Wow, Shakespeare is already using sophisticated phrases of poetry like "blowing smoke up each other's asses". Great use of figurative language!

8:06pm - The kids receive a package with anonymous surveys that they must feel out about each other with amazing questions like "who is the dumbest". Just when I think the challenges cannot get any better THIS happens. I can't wait for the tears to start in 5, 4...

8:09pm - I got strangely excited during the promo for the announcement of the Dancing with the Stars cast. This makes me question my own standards.

8:12pm - Now they all have to guess the results of the survey and get points for correct guesses. Genius.

8:14pm - Elizabeth won "most shallow", but doesn't consider herself shallow OR know what it means.

8:16pm - And Natalie picked herself for "dumbest" which actually shows she's kinda smart, yet STILL gets is wrong. Gwen was voted the dumbest, really? Tenley gets a winning point by correctly guessing this but cannot live with winning the game for calling someone dumb. Can't we just agree all these ladies are equally the dumbest and call it a day?

8:23pm - Omg the crying needs to stop. According to the poll, Natalie will never get married which upsets her greatly (I thought she'd welcome the lifetime of random sex), Wes is a jerk AND can't do simple logic or math, and the girls have a collective secret crush on Dave?!? Ew.

8:26pm - Elizabeth was voted "worst boob job" which was the last question to determine the winners of Tenley and Jesse B. The winners get to have one on one dates this time around which means more sex, and Elizabeth thinks she and Kovacs are on the chopping block and starts what is sure to be an epic make-up-less ugly-cry confessional. Stay tuned for the waterworks, bitches!

8:32pm - Natalie is breaking down obvi, but actually having an intelligent breakthrough about the way she's perceived. You know what, maybe Natalie is really not all that dumb! Elizabeth though is completely shattered that she has a bad boob job. Is this news to her? Does the house not have mirrors?

8:43pm - Ugh I am not going to be able to stomach watching this date b/w Tenley and Kiptyn. T's voice, laugh, and general personality are beyond annoying. Brief pause for food and then promptly losing it...

8:53pm - Jesse B picks Peyton for his one on one date. Which is very chivalrous considering they've already shacked up in the fantasy suite...and everything that goes along with it. I'm happy for them, possibly because Jesse B is by far the hottest guy in the house and my roommates said that of all the girls in the house that I'm most like Peyton. Let me live vicariously through this...

8:55pm - Meanwhile kittens are singing and bunnies are smiling on Tenley and Kiptyn's date.

8:59pm - Omg they're actually going to the fantasy suite...and the doors are closing! I seriously thought Tenley would reject the offer and have a nervous breakdown over the implications. Slut.

9:04pm - I actually really like Tenley's dress (the black strapless with the gold waist). And it totally pains me to say that.

9:11pm - Peyton and Jesse B are totally a perfect redneck couple who will go to state fairs, ear corn dogs, and bet on the pig races. Loves it! Also loves that she's now getting him drunk on martinis, which he's never had before. Get it gurl!

9:17pm - Only now the redneck has gone to a bad level of burping and pouring vodka in champagne. Dude, be classy and respect the champagne. Peyton is not feeling it. Maybe no sexin tonight?

9:20pm - NO SEXIN! Peyton denied the fantasy suite. No sex on Bachelor Pad is a first, this feels weird.

9:40pm - The past 20 minutes have been filled with boring strategy talk and DWTS announcements, but there's finally something relevant to report because voting has begun and Gwen has horrible extensions in.

9:46pm - Kiptyn is being a pussy. He can't vote Gwen off because she hasn't done anything to him and he'd feel bad. Does homeboy know this is a GAME? Does he have balls? Tenley, confirm or deny?

9:56pm - Rose ceremony. Krisily and Wes are going home, and Krisily is going off! Well said lady, people in this house are shady, have no balls, and the couples are annoying as hell. I'm going to miss Shakespeare dearly as well.

Who WASN'T in the Emmy's opening number?

The opening number of last night's Primetime Emmy Awards was pretty awesome and pretty much all anyone is talking about this morning. Host Jimmy Fallon brought together an all-star, if not somewhat random, group of celebrities to perform in a Glee inspired skit and performance of "Born to Run". Jimmy helps four of the actual Glee clubbers form a group to peform in a competition in order to win $1205, the amount they need to pay for their tickets to the Emmy's (plus $5). Amazing cameos by Tina Fey, Tim Gunn (wish he would have sang), and especially hotness Joel McHale! Kate Gosselin randomly appears too and I almost didn't recognize her in the 20 pounds of makeup and glitter she was wearing, but then lol-ed when I finally did. Sad to say I'm pretty much over this whole Betty White obsession, but if homegirl would have actually gotten on stage and performed I probably would have excused this. Age is no excuse, look at Liza. But who the eff was that other random brunette chick who looks like a cheap version of Lea Michelle? I spent most of the night thinking it was Emmanuelle Chriqui from Entourage, and then this morning researched and researched and researched until finally someone confirmed that it was Nina Dobrev from The Vampire Diaries. Seriously, Jimmy? You couldn't even get the sister from Twilight or something? I guess I can excuse one total Z-lister though because this performance rocked my life.

Celeb sightings: Reality star edition

Spotted: Project Runway season 4 alum Kevin Christiana at the Barrow Street Ale House in the West Village last Thursday. He still looks exactly the same as he did on ProRun back in 2007 is easily recognizable with his signature facial hair. None the less, my gentlemen companion asked how the hell I recognized him, and sadly I had to admit it's because I watch way too much television.

Spotted: Current Top Chef contestant Ed Cotton at the bar of the Smyth Hotel in Tribeca, where he is the executive chef of their Plein Sud restaurant. Friday night I was pre-gaming with some friends who were hotel guests, and in walks a familiar looking man in a chef coat. After having a total omg moment, we went over and talked to him for about 20 minutes. He could not have been cooler! He's still with the girl he was dating during the show, and he has been with Plein Sud since they opened almost 6 months ago (with a slight break to do a lil TV show on Bravo, you may have heard of it...) Apparently there's still no proof about what happened during Pea-Puree-Gate 2010, although to me the case seems pretty obvious and totally rules in Ed's favor. As of press time Ed is one of the final 6 contestants on the show, and I think he has a great shot at the title. Team Ed!

Speed chaos

I don't know how much actual dating went on at last night's "World's Largest Singles Dating Event", but there was a lot of flirting, awkward rejection, and not-so-organized chaos.

SingleAndTheCity.com and Groupon held an event at Slate in an attempt to break the record for the World's Largest Dating Event. I think the number of "daters" for the record was determined by those participating in one of 12 themed speed dating sessions, but like many things at this event that was unclear. Participants bought admission to the party at Slate on Groupon, and then had access to a multitude of activities and freebies throughout the night: a margarita cocktail hour, appetizers, light desserts, "speed gaming" (match-ups in pool and ping pong), free advice from a flirting coach, love tarot card readings, photo booths, free condoms scattered throughout the venue, and the main events of the speed date sessions. Daters were encouraged to sign up for a particular session ahead of time, but this system became irrelevant as the speed dating sessions (especially the later ones as people enjoyed more and more free margs) became more of a free-for-all. Usually speed dating is highly organized and scheduled to a T, but at last night's event daters were coming and going from their "assigned" seats as they pleased. Which unfortunately made the flow of speed dating all but impossible.

I suppose drunk twenty, thirty, and (unfortunately) forty-somethings don't appreciate organization as much as I do, because everyone seemed to be having a really good time. The general mixing areas were crowded, lively, and at times contained more sexual tension than an episode of Gossip Girl. Unfortunately there were probably almost twice as many women as men, so the few really attractive guys had a small harem surrounding them. I did spot several budding one-on-one connections developing deep into the night, and one couple leaving hand in hand after canoodling in the corner for quite some time.

Myself? I was approached a few times by 4's and 5's (along with numerous event photographers), but couldn't snag the attention of any of the guys I really had my eye on. But I got some free drinks, some yummy chicken skewers, and learned that I need to work on my approach anxiety. I suppose when free apps, good people watching, and self-discovery are involved, the night can never be a total loss.

Live Blogging: Bachelor Pad

Usually I enjoy a fine glass of 3 Buck Chuck Cab Sav while writing these live blogs, but judging from the previews Bachelor Pad doesn't warrant that kind of class. So Bud Light it is. So excited for this debacle!

8:02pm - Season preview time! Omg if Wes and Gia get together hell will probably freeze over. Homeboy deserves zero happiness.

8:04pm - Wes on crazy Michelle: "If you hook up with her you probably have to worry about her chopping your thang off in the middle of the night." Okay, that quote totally made me like him again...almost.

8:07pm - Omg if Tenley giggles one more time... Yay for Jesse B lookin totally bangable! Back off Natalie.

8:08pm - It's hilarious that Gwen from season 2's age is "??". Actually she looks great. Maybe...37?

8:10pm - So apparently Nikki and Juan dated or banged or something like that. Why is that awkward? Haven't they all banged each other already? If not they will by the end of episode 2.

8:15pm - Elizabeth as a blonde = thumbs down. Not everyone can be blonde and fabulous biotch!

8:20pm - Craig M is totally channeling R-Pats with his hair. Plus I can see his nips through his shirt. And obvi The Weatherman is not haps.

8:27pm - So Chris Harrison tears the kids away from their mimosas for a second to explain the rules. There will be challenges, and the winner gets a rose. They can give that rose to someone and ask them out on a date. Then each week the guys must vote off a girl and the girls must vote off a guy. Or something like that. Oh yah, and Melissa Rycroft is here.

8:28pm - They're all staying in the same room in bunkbeds. That's pretty awesome.

8:30pm - The girls get together and decide they want to get rid of Craig M first. I fully support that decision, but somehow feel it's not going to be quite that easy...

8:35pm - Ohhhhh the winner of the challenge gets to go on 3 dates! Wrap it up kids. The first challenge is Twister...creative.

8:37pm - Omg Tenley mixed up her left and right feet and was eliminated from Twister. Priceless.

8:39pm - Apparently no one knows their left from their right. Pathetic.

8:40pm - Jessie (girl) also doesn't know her left from her right and Craig M wins. Are we sure they're not fixing this shit?

8:42pm - Ugh okay it's not 3 dates it's 1 date with 3 people. And then Craig gives one girl a rose at the end of the date and makes her safe from elimination. My brain is starting to hurt from the rules of this show and that's not right. Craig and Jessie made a pact they they'd choose each other no matter who won so she's in. Now it looks like the rest of the girls are gonna slut it up to get chosen for the date even though Craig is slimy.

8:51pm - Sex noisesssssss!

8:56pm - Back from the commercial, and the investigation begins: who hooked up last night? Everyone seems to think it's Michelle and Craig, but Michelle is on the deny campaign.

8:58pm - Craig's choices for his date are Jessie, Gwen (nice move inviting the old hot chick, Craig), and Elizabeth (so Craig can win her over since she's leading the anti-Craig campaign).

9:02pm - Craig and the ladies are on a beach date...but nothing interesting is happening other than Elizabeth being a manipulative lil slut.

9:08pm - Natalie is like totally obsessed with Jesse B. That's disappointing. Sadly I think he's actually genuinely reciprocating and not just using her for booty or votes.

9:11pm - So Melissa Rycroft appears and says Craig needs to give out his rose now, and then that girl is the only one who continues on the date where they get a private concert...a totally new date concept for The Bachelor. He chooses Jessie, and Elizabeth and Gwen get in the limo to go back to the house. The concert is by someone no one's ever heard of, who turns out to be the former lead singer of The Calling. Meanwhile in the limo, Elizabeth is team pissed about not getting the rose from a guy she doesn't even like. Great person.

9:20pm - Jesse K and Elizabeth kinda had a thing before this, but he's totally "dumping" her ass because apparently it's not smart to be attached to anyone in this game. Aka, he wants to be able to hook up with other chicks.

9:22pm - Elizabeth is totally bawling. This is awesome.

9:25pm - Michelle is still (rightfully?) mad that Tenley told people she bumped uglies with Craig, so she goes into the bathroom to talk to Tenley about it. This actually seems to me like the mature thing to do, but Tenley is sooooo scared because Michelle "locked her in the bathroom" and made her cry, a lot. Does being on Team Michelle in this situation make me a crazy person by association?

9:33pm - Krisily (?) wants to vote out the strong, "smart" guys like Jesse K and Dave. Natalie tells Dave this because they're "good friends" (she totes wants her Jesse B cake and wants to eat Dave too), and thus possibly turns the guys against Krisily. Meanwhile Elizabeth is totally in love with Jesse K and trying to talk him into some plan that involved them not talking to trick everyone into keeping them in the house.

9:42pm - Every person must individually cast a vote to kick off a member of the opposite sex. I strongly prefer this to them having to come to a team consensus. But Elizabeth is totally trying to rally the girls against the love of her life Jesse K now. Wtf?

9:45pm - Craig M just straight up lied to Michelle and told her he didn't vote for her. He totally did.

9:57pm - Juan and Michelle are auffed. A little crazy and a lot of drama just exited, and that's a shame this early in the game. Team Michelle!