I enjoy my vampires tongue-in-cheek

I am a huge baby when it comes to horror movies, haunted houses, spooky noise cassettes, people saying "boo" and basically anything else that could be considered remotely scary. Which made me wonder if I was in my right mind to sit through the upcoming movie Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant (released October 23). One can clearly tell from previews that this movie is effin weird, and it lives up to that expectation while also being really effin funny and thankfully not all that effin scary. The lighthearted tone and campy humor make this movie refreshing and bearable for total self-proclaimed wimps like myself. Finally I think I'm catching onto this whole vampire craze!

The "plot" of the movie centers around a high school boy played by Robert-Pattinson-in-training Chris Massoglia (he's only 17 so I'll withhold my smutty thoughts) who makes a deal with an aging vampire/freak show performer (John C. Reilly) to become half-vampire and serve as his personal assistant in exchange for saving his miscreant best friend from a deadly mythical spider bite. Kinda Twilight meets The Devil Wears Prada. There's also something about a war and destiny and falling in puppy-love with Monkey-Girl (complete with highly inappropriate and disturbing tail popping up metaphors). Confused? It really doesn't matter. This movie is written for pre-Twilight fans and aging sci-fi perverts so the intellectual level is pretty low, you'll catch on.

What the movie lacks in compelling or intelligible plot, it makes up for in characters, humor, and overall coolness. Standouts include Evra The Snake Boy who's so over this freak show thing and just wants to be an angsty emo singer, and Salma Hayek as the sexy bearded lady (hey, she has amazing eye makeup and bags John C. Reilly, that has to count for something). One of the "Little People" has a Dobby The House Elf-like endearing quality that makes me melt, but from what I've read on Cirque du Freak message boards this is a gross misrepresentation of the Little People (this was originally a book series yo!).

But now that I've been to Cirque du Freak message boards I may as well just get some D&D cards and a hooded snuggie and forget about any chance of a normal social life.