Live Blogging: Bachelor Pad

Usually I enjoy a fine glass of 3 Buck Chuck Cab Sav while writing these live blogs, but judging from the previews Bachelor Pad doesn't warrant that kind of class. So Bud Light it is. So excited for this debacle!

8:02pm - Season preview time! Omg if Wes and Gia get together hell will probably freeze over. Homeboy deserves zero happiness.

8:04pm - Wes on crazy Michelle: "If you hook up with her you probably have to worry about her chopping your thang off in the middle of the night." Okay, that quote totally made me like him again...almost.

8:07pm - Omg if Tenley giggles one more time... Yay for Jesse B lookin totally bangable! Back off Natalie.

8:08pm - It's hilarious that Gwen from season 2's age is "??". Actually she looks great. Maybe...37?

8:10pm - So apparently Nikki and Juan dated or banged or something like that. Why is that awkward? Haven't they all banged each other already? If not they will by the end of episode 2.

8:15pm - Elizabeth as a blonde = thumbs down. Not everyone can be blonde and fabulous biotch!

8:20pm - Craig M is totally channeling R-Pats with his hair. Plus I can see his nips through his shirt. And obvi The Weatherman is not haps.

8:27pm - So Chris Harrison tears the kids away from their mimosas for a second to explain the rules. There will be challenges, and the winner gets a rose. They can give that rose to someone and ask them out on a date. Then each week the guys must vote off a girl and the girls must vote off a guy. Or something like that. Oh yah, and Melissa Rycroft is here.

8:28pm - They're all staying in the same room in bunkbeds. That's pretty awesome.

8:30pm - The girls get together and decide they want to get rid of Craig M first. I fully support that decision, but somehow feel it's not going to be quite that easy...

8:35pm - Ohhhhh the winner of the challenge gets to go on 3 dates! Wrap it up kids. The first challenge is Twister...creative.

8:37pm - Omg Tenley mixed up her left and right feet and was eliminated from Twister. Priceless.

8:39pm - Apparently no one knows their left from their right. Pathetic.

8:40pm - Jessie (girl) also doesn't know her left from her right and Craig M wins. Are we sure they're not fixing this shit?

8:42pm - Ugh okay it's not 3 dates it's 1 date with 3 people. And then Craig gives one girl a rose at the end of the date and makes her safe from elimination. My brain is starting to hurt from the rules of this show and that's not right. Craig and Jessie made a pact they they'd choose each other no matter who won so she's in. Now it looks like the rest of the girls are gonna slut it up to get chosen for the date even though Craig is slimy.

8:51pm - Sex noisesssssss!

8:56pm - Back from the commercial, and the investigation begins: who hooked up last night? Everyone seems to think it's Michelle and Craig, but Michelle is on the deny campaign.

8:58pm - Craig's choices for his date are Jessie, Gwen (nice move inviting the old hot chick, Craig), and Elizabeth (so Craig can win her over since she's leading the anti-Craig campaign).

9:02pm - Craig and the ladies are on a beach date...but nothing interesting is happening other than Elizabeth being a manipulative lil slut.

9:08pm - Natalie is like totally obsessed with Jesse B. That's disappointing. Sadly I think he's actually genuinely reciprocating and not just using her for booty or votes.

9:11pm - So Melissa Rycroft appears and says Craig needs to give out his rose now, and then that girl is the only one who continues on the date where they get a private concert...a totally new date concept for The Bachelor. He chooses Jessie, and Elizabeth and Gwen get in the limo to go back to the house. The concert is by someone no one's ever heard of, who turns out to be the former lead singer of The Calling. Meanwhile in the limo, Elizabeth is team pissed about not getting the rose from a guy she doesn't even like. Great person.

9:20pm - Jesse K and Elizabeth kinda had a thing before this, but he's totally "dumping" her ass because apparently it's not smart to be attached to anyone in this game. Aka, he wants to be able to hook up with other chicks.

9:22pm - Elizabeth is totally bawling. This is awesome.

9:25pm - Michelle is still (rightfully?) mad that Tenley told people she bumped uglies with Craig, so she goes into the bathroom to talk to Tenley about it. This actually seems to me like the mature thing to do, but Tenley is sooooo scared because Michelle "locked her in the bathroom" and made her cry, a lot. Does being on Team Michelle in this situation make me a crazy person by association?

9:33pm - Krisily (?) wants to vote out the strong, "smart" guys like Jesse K and Dave. Natalie tells Dave this because they're "good friends" (she totes wants her Jesse B cake and wants to eat Dave too), and thus possibly turns the guys against Krisily. Meanwhile Elizabeth is totally in love with Jesse K and trying to talk him into some plan that involved them not talking to trick everyone into keeping them in the house.

9:42pm - Every person must individually cast a vote to kick off a member of the opposite sex. I strongly prefer this to them having to come to a team consensus. But Elizabeth is totally trying to rally the girls against the love of her life Jesse K now. Wtf?

9:45pm - Craig M just straight up lied to Michelle and told her he didn't vote for her. He totally did.

9:57pm - Juan and Michelle are auffed. A little crazy and a lot of drama just exited, and that's a shame this early in the game. Team Michelle!