Poise is like Herpes: Miss USA 2010

Tonight was the Celebrity Apprentice Reunion The Miss USA pageant brought to you by The Donald and friends. Miss Michigan Rima Fakih won the title and was my favorite for most of the pageant. She is gorgeous and one fierce biotch as proven by her dramatic swimwear walk, graceful recovery from a noticeable stumble, and poses for daysssss. I also was rooting for Rima, who is Lebanese American, because I don't believe we've ever seen a major national pageant queen of Middle-Eastern descent. However, perhaps that factor undeservedly propelled Rima to the title among a final five that was rounded out by blonde white girls. In my opinion, Rima blew it in the final question when she giggily claimed that of course health insurance should cover birth control pills because they're a "controlled substance", "can be costly", and even threw in a thought provoking "hi Mom". Several of the other ladies bombed their questions as well, and at that point the title should have easily gone to Miss Oklahoma who eloquently spoke on behalf of states' rights to make and enforce their own laws. Or it just should have been ME!

Now a few other moments that made this hot mess fun to watch:

"You can't buy poise. It's like Herpes: you either have it or you don't." - Joan Rivers during her backstage color commentary. Sounds like some white trash version of The Countess LuAnn de Lessepes's new song.

One contestant who was wearing a red evening gown with the midriff cut out described her dress as "red, sexy, and flowy...just like me." So you see yourself like a period?

Miss Virginia described her evening gown as "sophisticated in the front". The dress had a high neckline, but a slit right down the middle completely revealing her breasts. But I'll forgive this lack of judgment because she had the best hair in the competition.

Doing a choreographed dance to country music is awkward.

Host Curtis Stone blatantly wanting to sleep with basically every contestant. And his co-host Some Broadcast Chick constantly making awkward jokes about it. But it's okay because basically every contestant wanted to sleep with him too (and why wouldn't they?). One contestant even offered to cook her famous grilled cheese sandwich for him the morning after they you-know-what...